POST 7

A funny thing has happened these last few days...

I have found that by letting go of the fear around food and its affects on my body, I have felt lighter and happier inside myself.

I have also found that mentally and emotionally, I have created space for my deeper fears to rise to the surface.

By not being busy or consumed by my daily worries and calculations of how much excersize I need in relation to how much food I've eaten, or what I shouldn't eat because I've eaten too much already, blah blah blah...

I have found that a connection to a deeper fear has risen. 

I realized that when I eat, I try to eat and drink enough to make my belly really, really full.  I also noticed that I eat even when I'm not hungry.

I asked myself why I would do this, because it is quite uncomfortable to have such a full belly.  It puffs out and kinda hurts a wee bit too.  And I do this everymeal of everyday.

When I took the time to ponder, I felt a connection to my mother and then to her mother.  My gramma Hoogenboom was in the Netherlands during the second world war.  She went for years without enough food to eat.  I believe that energetically and emotionally, we pass down these effects from trauma to our family members, be it via behaviours and or actions we do.

I realize that when I get the chance to eat, I go nuts because I'm afraid of when I will get to eat again.

Having a full belly gives me a certain comfort...but the emotion it is comforting is one of fear. 

I relate a full belly to safety and comfort.  Whenever I travel, as my companions can atest, I must eat all the time, snacking to keep my belly full, and my emotions at bay.

One time, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico. We took a day trip out to a town and were planning to stay the night.  I had never been there before.  As it turns out, we had not taken enough money to afford food, apart from a can of coke and a bag of chips.  We did stay the night and it was the longest night of my life!!!

I freaked out!  I felt so scared that I didnt have enough to fill my belly.  I felt so vulnerable and helpless, like a little girl.  I ended up with a migraine and went to bed to sleep away my pain and fear.  Not fun...but I really learned alot about myself that night.

I'm afraid to feel my hungry belly.
My full belly is comfort.
My full belly is security.
My full belly is safety.
My full belly is distraction.
My empty belly is terrifying.
My empty belly makes me scared of the unknown.(what if I dont get to eat soon?)
I feel weak and scared when I'm hungry.
I eat when I'm full which makes me feel helpless and weak because I can't stop.

I eat to distract and comfort myself, and to give my INTERNAL feelings of being weak and helpless, an EXTERNAL motivation..."You are so weak for eating this second sandwhich when you are already stuffed as it is"...I feel weak inside and helpless when I'm not intouch with my inner self.  Eating too much is just a cause and effect to this helplessness.

When I overeat I feel angry at myself because it hurts my tummy and its wasteful. And I'm sad because I'm not enjoying myself or the food I'm eating. It feels like an empty habit. I feel like a robot when I eat when I'm already full.

Wow, and this has all come out of deciding to eat what I want, when I want...crazy!

Lets see what insight tomorrow brings!