When I was a little girl, I started stealing 1 kilo bags of brown sugar from my mums pantry, which I would eat with a spoon, while hiding under my bed.
Sometimes I would hide the bag of sugar in the closet in a spare room, and sneak mouthfulls throughout the day.
The sneaking of sugar became something that distacted me and gave me little comforts throughout the day. I would be playing outside on the swingset and then find myself thinking about my secret bag of sugar. It made me feel good to know that I had something I could depend on. Something that was sweet and good.
I would hide, and take mouthfull after mouthfull of brown sugar. It stopped tasting very good after the first few spoonfulls, but I really liked how the repetition of eating gave me something to focus on and numbed my feelings.
This secret binging became a distraction for me. I would be able to distance myself from all my bad feelings...feeling scared, and hurt and alone, and even feeling like a really bad person...these emotions could all be blocked out by eating copious amounts of sugar.
But the flipside to this experience was that I felt awful sneaking and stealing the sugar and I felt sick as well from eating so much junk. Especially when I wasnt even hungry.
I remember being in grade 2 or 3 and discovering a freezer full of sweet treats like nanaimo bars, peppermint and chocolate squares, peanut and marshmellow squares and brownies. There were many boxes full of these sugary eats, and they were as I said, all frozen.
I still recall clear as day, how I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be eating these desserts, as they were for a school event of some sort. But the familiar feelings of hiding and sneaking and stealing overcame me and I gave myself permission to try 'just a couple' of the desserts.
At first bite, despite being frozen, they were pretty good. I dropped the freezer lid, and left the room. But I couldn't stop thinking about the treats. The idea of eating them began to consume me. It distracted me from anything else I was doing. I had to go back for more!
So I snuck back into the freezer room, and ate a few more. Then I started really focusing on the eating, and I ate almost an entire box in one go. I ate till I was so sick that I couldn't stand another bite.
All that afternoon, I felt like a had a bad secret. I felt like a bad person because I had stolen all that food that was meant for someone else. I knew my mum was going to be angry and think bad of me for what I had done. I was terrified that any minute I was going to be found out.
But at the same time, I somehow welcomed the distraction, knowing that I had a secret stash of goodies that I could gobble down, at any given moment. That made me feel comforted somehow.
Throughout the next few days, I contiued to revisit the freezer and in no time at all, I had consumed the entire freezer full of desserts. I had never felt more sick, nor more disgust with myself for doing such a bad thing. I felt helpless and hopeless and out of control.
So as you can see, my relationship with food has been a mixed bag of lollies, right from the start!
I have allowed so many of my negative emotions about myself be triggered by how I and what I eat, from a very young age. I have also used food as a comfort and as a distraction from my emotions.
So today is dedicated to the child I was, who did the best she could at the time! I now give myself permission to release her old habits and replace them with newfound Food Freedom, and a love and respect for myself and my body. I now embrace a healthy relationship with food, and I enjoy eating what I want, when I want.
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