POST 2

I've woken up today feeling really positive about this experience.

I feel vulnerable to be putting my inner most thoughts and fears about food and my response to it, out there for all to see.

But I feel a sense of  excitement too.  I'm excited to think that this may be the beginning of a new way of life for me. And I love giving this fear a voice, because I know so many of us share it.

As I've said already, I am totally exhausted with all the worrying I've been doing for years now, about food.  I've worried that if I eat too much,  or too often, I will be out of control and will never stop eating.  I'll lose my job, and my boyfriend will move out and onto another female that isn't so 'weak'.

I've always felt weak in my relationship to food.  Weak because I've been terrified of it, and what it will do to me if I'm not careful.  It will slowly expand me, so that my favorite skinny jeans no longer fit.  Food will give me a pot belly that I can't suck in nor hide from the masses.  Food will attack me if I ever take my eyes off it, or let my guard down for an instant. It will attack my thighs, and my butt cheeks, implanting itself on my body in the form of fat, for all to see...

As I've said before, when I write of my fears of physical expansion or going up sizes in my clothes, it is strictly evidence of my own LACK of self esteem, and believing that I am fabulous at any shape or size.

I would hate for someone to read this, and think that I am disgusted by people who aren't fit and toned...on the contrary, I love a woman who loves herself, whether she is a size 2 like a girlfriend of mine, Maryanne, who never even thinks about what she eats, she just eats what she feels like. She is very happy in her skin and that is her true beauty.

I am also enamored of a girlfriend of mine, Alarna, at about a size 14, she is the sexiest woman I know! She's sexy because she knows she is and that's what i'm talkin' about!!!

When I refer to having fat on my body or being a bigger size than I'd like, I am talking about my own fears of imperfection, not putting down anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest and put it out there, that we are all exhausted about trying to manage our lives, via our mouths and what we put in it.  Granted there are those amazing women who don't play that game, but they are a minority. I would love to get us all there, one woman at a time!

As my sister in law says, "women have for too long now, been focused on shrinking themselves down."

Thats not my goal anymore!!

My goal is to let the reins go...let my idea of having to control what I eat in order to live a great life.

Let the idea go that if I was 10 pounds lighter, my life would be better because....

Cause guess what? I've been a 'perfect' size 8 and I still believed that I had to diet or excersize more to maintain it, and I still felt insecure about my body, and fearful of the food I was putting in it.

Is that crazy or what?

So I'm taking back my power by believing in food freedom, that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want  and allow my bodies natural intuition to kick in.

I'm not going to act on fear and make myself run after a big meal.
Instead, I'm going to focus only on activities that bring me joy. Like bellydancing, and yoga.

(Note to readers, I'm sure that for alot of you, jogging and different sports bring you joy at this time. I'm only refering to what my body wants to do and my own personal motivation for exersizing. For example, I often make myself jog because of a fear of the food I ate and what it will do to me, as opposed to doing what I really wanted to do...which was maybe go to bed, or have a lay on the beach, doing some easy stretches.
My point is that I wasn't into jogging and was doing it out of a fear of food. I think that for many people, jogging brings such joy and empowerment and freedom, so go you!)

I'm not going to judge myself because most of my clothes are too darn tight and won't fit.
Instead, I'm focusing on reminding myself that my body has the freedom to move into different shapes if it feels the need and as my sacred vessel, I will accomodate its fluctuation with trust and humour. And buy a larger size of hot new clothes if needed!!!