POST 5

I was away for the weekend but diligently wrote out my post for the day...
Today I felt nothing but joy and relaxation as I ate whatever I felt like, without getting stressed.

I allowed myself to spend the day with friends relaxing and hanging out in the sunshine. 

It wasn't until the evening, that I got out of the shower and caught sight of my naked, dimply thighs and butt in a mirror, that my emotions took a quick turn for the worst...

I was shocked at my reflection!  What a shock to see my physical body in this current shape.  It reminds me of the last time I "let myself go".  I was working a full-time job in the corporate world and it took alot out of me.  I rarely excersized, but I was always aware and worried about my diet and lifestyle and the effects I believed both would have on my figure.

How do I feel today, being the biggest I've been in about 5 years?

I feel scared and out of control!  And perhaps crazy to let my body look like this,especially approaching summer, when I will be living in a bikini in public, at our local beaches.

Scared that my intention to face my fear of food and turn it into food freedom is a bad idea.  Scared that this won't work, and I will forever be fighting for my figure and afraid of food.  Scared that this experiment will end up making me feel worse than when I began and I will be back to the drawing board again, trying to find out how to keep my weight in check and my diet under control.

But thats what I've always done, and it clearly doesn't work...

I will get totally freaked out about my body getting flabbier and my clothes not fitting and then my fear will drive me to start excersizing like a mad woman.  I will feel sad that I gave up but relieved when my boobs get smaller and my thighs stop rubbing together.

I will lose the weight and look better. But I won't feel any better. I will feel helpless that I have to go to so much effort and spend so much time excersizing when I don't feel like it.

And then I will grow physically tired and will take a break from my gym workouts or fitness training sessions, and take time out to sit on the couch and recover.  And the weight I lost will come back.

I will be no better off then where I am today.

So, I'm sticking with this new outlook on food-food freedom.  The freedom to eat what I want, when I want.
I'm choosing to relax and enjoy food freedom.  To breaths, and relax into my body.  to take time just to hang out with it, and get to know it.  As opposed to rushing off to the gym for a session or to the beach for a run.

I give myself renewed courage, by reminding myself:

The sooner I face my fear of food, the sooner I reclaim my power.

Things always get worse before they get better, to test ones dedication to a committment.  This will get easier.