POST 22

It's been a week since I've written in the blog! I've been that snowed down with committments that I couldn't find the time or energy to write.

But I've had so many thoughts about my current journey, into food freedom and away from a fear of food.

I was feeling a little stuck in my emotions.

  I knew that continueing to eat what I wanted, when I wanted was the right thing for me to do, to learn that I can trust my body and the food I choose to put in it.  But at the same time, I was still aware that I was eating when I was full.  I eat when I'm tired, or bored or worried about something.  If I have a day off and I spend it around the house, I'm constantly opening the fridge for food.

I didn't know what to do about all the snacking or how to come from a place where I didn't need to.  But I was refusing to stop eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, regardless, because that is the opposite of what I have ALWAYS done!

I have always felt really bad about myself for eating any foods that I didn't think were 'safe' foods.  My safe list, as my family will tell you, changed every day of every week of every year....it never stayed the same!  It changed according to what new article I'd read that told me I would lose weight. It also changed depending on who I spoke to that had lost weight, and how they did it.

I was constantly influenced by the world around me.  I was always searching for the answer to all my weight 'problems'.  (I now realize I was looking for an answer to all my SELF ESTEEM problems, but that's for another days discussion.)

And because I was always looking for the solution, I was readily jumping on every eating plan you can imagine.

Because it was suggested in a health food book, I once fasted on water for a day and a half, until I started seeing stars, having dizzy spells, and behaving irrationally.  I think my boyfriend was really scared I was going to kill him in his sleep!

Another time, I tried fasting on lemon and cucumber juice with shots of olive oil, because I read it was a good way to detox.  It tasted as awful as it sounds.

I also lived on cabbage soup for a week, when my roomate at the time told me she lost heaps of weight from doing the same thing.

Once, because I found out that I was going to be in my underwear in a play and god forbid, I had cellulite, I fasted for 10 days, drinking only water and lemon until 5 pm, then eating a regular dinner. But it worked! I lost weight and felt good about my body for the show. ( Little did I realize the damage I was doing to my psyche though.)

I have spent weeks only eating raw, organic almonds.  Nothing else.  I ate so many almonds over such a short period of time, that I became allergic...If I eat too many now, my tongue swells up painfully.

I have been on an eating plan where I only allowed  myself alkaline foods, so I ate spinach and goat cheese fetta for weeks straight.

After seeing an acqaintance shrinking down to half her body weight from drinking only protein shakes, I did the same, and refused to injest any solid foods for weeks.  Boy did I poo!

I have eating only salad every night for weeks, after reading an article on Jennifer Aniston, who insisted that she keeps her weight down by having a salad once a day.

I have drunk only juice till noon, because it gave me a flat stomach,and because I read that it would make me skinny. It worked and I was skinny, but I was unhappy as well. I didn't feel safe knowing that my skinny-ness was dependant on such a strict rule.  It stressed me out, worrying about how long I could stick with it or keep it up.

I have refused to eat anything after 8 pm because I figured it was like a mini fast, until morning, at which time I wouldn't eat until after 10am...basically, I'd hold off eating as long as I could to extend my fasting time.

So as you can see, I have a long history in NOT eating what I want, when I want, so no wonder I feel scared and afraid and out of control!!!!!

Today's blog entry is dedicated to the value of feeling out of control, as a road towards healing and change.