POST 20

I have been feeling really scared and emotional on this journey so far...from being afraid of food, and what it does to my body-towards experiencing food freedom and facing my fears.

Each day has been an emotional roller-coaster...but despite the scary climbs up the tract and the sharp drop down at warp speeds, I am not getting off this ride!!!

I feel like I just want to get my body back...that if I do what I've always done and focus on my figure and keeping it slim and trim, than all my unhappiness will go away.  That I will be ok if I look ok.
But deep inside, I know that's not how it really works.  I have been a size 8, a gorgeous unstoppable and sexy size 8...and guess what?  I was terrified all the time that I would eat too much of the wrong thing and put on weight.  I was focused on excersizing every day as much as possible so that I would keep my body just as it was, but hoped to perhaps lose a little more weight off my butt in the process.

I wasn't even secure in myself at that stage.  I remember still worrying about people looking at my butt while I was walking along the beach in my bikini.  I was still covering up the parts of me that I didn't think were worthy of my appreciation and love.

So today, yet again, I am focusing my attention on loving myself as I am..  I am focusing on facing my fear of carrying fat on my body and what that means to me.

Wish me luck, as I venture in this unknown territory!!! woop woop!!!