POST 41

Wow, its been a month since I've written anything on my blog...I have felt so busy with school and 'stuff' that I just stopped taking the time to write.

But here I am again...

I have been feeling a little afraid again, about my choice to eat what i want, when I want, when I am hungry.  I am still not excersizing to loose weight and I'm not restricting my food intake so I have been feeling a little helpless lately.

It seems with my busy schedule that the more tired I get, the more food I consume.

I am still so confused and challenged by the idea of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

I've been thinking that its really hard for me to stop eating a plate of food say, at a restaurant, which i have ordered and paid for, if there is still more food on the plate.

And at home, if I've opened a package of anything, I feel compelled to go into automatic pilot while eating, and I don't stop till its ALL GONE!!! Even if I'm stuffed to the gills to do that.

So todays blog is just admitting that I do really have a struggle with food intake and that relationship with over eating results in me gaining weight.

And I am choosing to not mask the results of my relationship to food by forcing my weight down through all sorts of unhealthy manners like overexcersizing  and dieting.

Sigh...wish me luck....

So today is dedicated to honouring once again, exactly where I'm at with peace and acceptance and self love!!!

POST 40

The other day I had the privilege of dancing as a beginner in a belly dancing concert.  I felt sexy and tuned into the Goddess energy as I shook and swayed my round, soft belly.

I watched a solo dancer who came on after me.

She was a 'bigger' girl with a luscious, soft, overflowing tummy and hips...and she was POWERFULLY SEXY!

When she danced, the entire auditorium sat mesmerized.

And it made me wonder, does this sexy woman feel sexy out in the 'real world'? Does she feel sexy when she's out shopping? When she's out on  a night on the town with friends?

Does the love and appreciation for her body permeate outside of her dancing?

In belly dancing, our rounded bodies are acceptable and preferred to that of a flat, muscular tummy.  The roundness shapes the moves and the style of dance we do. 

But obviously in western society, this is not wildly accepted as the norm.  This girl would probably have to shop in plus size shops and would be challenged to find role models similar to her shape in our fashion magazines. 

I couldn't help but ponder all this, as I watched her dance.  She was so amazing and confident.

I couldn't help but hope that she is one of those women, who actually do have an inner confidence that permeates her entire life.  I would love to believe that she is someone who chooses to love herself exactly as she is, inspiring the rest of us.

So today's blog is for her...

Thank you for reminding me that sexy belays shape, but lives in confidence!

Hip hip hooray, you are beautiful today!!

POST 39

Today I have been thinking about a way to put my journey into food freedom into simpler terms...

I realize that in the past, whilst over-exersizing and dieting to maintain a certain weight, I was focused on being loved by others.

Now that I am no longer adopting those principles, but am enjoying food freedom, I am motivated by Self Love.

Wow.  Thats pretty powerful stuff.

Today I am in awe of the power of Love for My Self...its the best kind!

Woop woop hooray, I'm in love with myself today!!!

POST 38

Well its been over a week since I've written in this blog. 

I have been barrelled over with work and school committments.  But although I have wanted to commit to writing on this blog daily, there have been really repetative days, where I feel nothing much has changed as far as my food freedom journey is concerned.

I am still eating what I want when I want. I am still refusing to look at food as something that I have to treat as a threat.  I am still refusing to excersize to lose fat.

But I am still eating when I am already full.  I am eating when I'm bored and scared and tired.  I am eating even when I'm already full because it just tastes so good and I feel it would be a shame to stop.

I went way outside my comfort zone the other night.  I drove to an area of Sydney that I've never been before to attend an info night for a school and program I am considering attending in the new year.

During the discussion lead by the schools founder, I found myself reacting with a migraine.  I made it through the session, thanked the team leader, and raced to my car to try and make it home to bed before the headache could get any worse.

On the drive home, all I could think about was how awul I felt, and how much I wanted to eat something.  I felt that food would be a distraction from my pain.
Food would be a distraction from my pain!!! Doesn't it say it all, right there?

As I drove on, the pain in my head moved into my tummy and I felt as though I were going to vomit.  Yet I still craved the comfort of putting some food in my mouth, as a way of feeling better.  Finally, I could fight my urge no longer, and I ate some nuts I had in my bag.  No sooner did I eat the nuts, then I had to pull over and vomit.

What I learned from this experience is that I crave food as a way to distract myself from my pain.  Its almost as though I want to eat despite myself and how I feel.  I certainly know that the nuts I ate on the way home made me physically sick because the state I was in, yet my emotions and thoughts were all about eating them to feel better.

There exists a major disconnect in side me and I am prepared to work through it.

Todays blog is dedicated to working through my pain, and coming out the other side all the better for it!!!

Hip hip hooray, I'm courageous today!!!

POST 37

Today I feel incredibly tired from being really busy with work and school and social commitments.

I also feel really thankful that I'm not adding to my stress levels by feeling that I must fit in some major exercising as well...

In the past years, I would make sure that I was exercising for at least an hour daily or a few times a week, to burn calories and stay slim.  I would usually drag my tired butt off to the gym to sweat all over a cardio machine.  Sure I felt great once I was doing it, but I was bored, bored, bored.

I was making myself go because I believed that only burning off major calories would allow me to stay slim and trim.

So I would 'workout' for a few months until I got so burnt out from all the energy I was investing in the exercising, I would stop, cold turkey and take a break from it all.  I would then make up for lost time by sitting on the couch, watching DVD's and eating chips...one of my favourite past times without a doubt.

What I was finding was that I was in a real roller coaster ride...training and exercising really diligently than getting so exhausted, I needed a break. And subsequently, my weight would follow suit...staying down while exercising but ballooning out when I took a break.

Nowadays, since starting this blog, I am not forcing myself to exercise unless it is something that I find fun, or I need to do for my health.  I am taking weekly belly dancing lessons which I love and look forward to and they have the added bonus of stretching out tight muscles, getting my heart rate up and creating greater flexibility and strength in my body.  I also feel sexy doing it which is an awesome plus!

For health, I walk in nature to clear my head, get regular weekly massages and follow a stretching plan which I've put together to address some postural weaknesses and tight muscles I have. I find the stretching boring and sometimes hard work, but I need to do it for health reasons so I do.

Apart from that, my time is my own.

So today, I feel especially grateful for having the free time and self appreciation that a focus on food freedom has brought me, as opposed to feeling afraid that if I don't exercise today, all hell will break loose....

And in my experience, it doesn't...

I have yet to increase in size, but my life is certainly increasing in happiness and joy!

woop woop!
hip hip hooray, today's a great day!

POST 36

I recall a few years ago when a friend of mine had me thinking about the power of healthy eating, not just on our bodies, but on our emotions as well.

His name was Garrett. We were hanging out as his girlfriend Melanie, is a good friend of mine. 

Garrett was really cool and I liked him straight away because he was funny and genuine and was quite extroverted.  We enjoyed some deep and meaningful conversations about life in general.

Garrett had Turrets Syndrome and one of the ways that he discovered he was able to keep it under control, was by eating raw, healthy foods.

When he ate healthy, his symptons were minimized and he also found that his emotions were much more postitive and balanced.  He told me that when he would eat any junkfood, his Turrets would rear up and his emotions would drop into a funk as well.

I remember being really effected by this idea, as I had never really thought that the crappy, processed food I ate at times, could effect my emotional state.

After that, I started experimenting. The results for me were that when I consume alot of chocolate and or processed candy or sweets, I do experience a drop in my positive emotional state.  After eating alot of sugar, I tend to feel a bit down and depressed. I also feel that way after drinking soda pop/soft drink. 
When I eat chips and savoury junkfood, I don't get the same drop in my emotions as I do with sugar.  This never ceases to interest me.  I even find that if I eat sugar just before bed, I have nightmares.

I've asked other people if they react the same, but it seems everyone is a little different although quite a few people do seem to get a drop in the emotions from excess sugar.

Just food for thought....

POST 35

I feel like I'm running out of things to talk about within my food freedom journey.
I feel as though it has, at the moment, become really repetitious for me. 
This is where i'm at:
I am still surprised to find that my weight isn't really fluctuating, but nor am I getting any slimmer by eating what I want, when I want and not excersizing.
I am still choosing to focus on my physical health versus my physical size.
I still can't fit into any of my jeans.
I still have cellulite.
I feel blessed to having somewhat silence the voice in my head that was telling me I "had to go to the gym or take a long run"  everyday.
I feel blessed to have so much more time to spend laying in the sun, or reading a book, or stretching on the beach .
I feel like I'm adjusting to this journey, with less fear than in the first few weeks, and thats a relief!
Looking forward to creating even healthier habits on this journey while enjoying food freedom!

POST 34

Today on my journey of food freedom, away from a fear of food and what it can do to my body, I don't really have anything specific to write.

Things seem to be pretty steady for me right now.  I'm having moments where I stop eating when I am full, and I continue to eat what I want, when I want it without guilt.

I also still manage to keep eating when I am full too. Like the other night, my friend Deedra was visiting from Canada, so all day I didn't really think about food much beacause I was having so much fun with her.  But then we settled in to watch a movie and munch on some junk food. 

Deedra fell asleep with a case of jetlag, and I ate my own bowl of chips and then hers too. I was certainly not hungry when I ate her bowl, but I felt at the time, "that I couldnt stop".  Why was this the case?

I ate so much beyond feeling full, that I then felt sick!

What emotions was I trying to avoid, I wonder?

I think I was feeling anxious about having a friend in my house, that I hadn't seen in years.  Anxious that she wouldn't find my house, or me, up to scratch.

And although I know instinctively that my friend Deedra is not like that at all, I couldn't help but be afraid of criticism anyway.

I felt unsettled for that first day, wanting to have 'everything  perfect'...

Funny how my habits of overeating often have nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with my emotions...

So todays blog is dedicated to releasing my need to please and/or be perfect!!!!
And to trust that I'm ok just as I am.
It is safe to be me!
Hip Hip Hooray, its safe to be ME today!!!!!!

POST 33

I had an a-huh moment, the other day...

Lately I've been wearing short tops that show off my belly.  Not so interesting in itself until it dawned on me that even though I'm currently wearing size 12 clothing, I feel really good in my body and feel proud to show off my size.  Yet, just a few months ago, when I was a size 10 with a much smaller body and a trimmed tummy, I didn't feel 'good enough' to show it off...

I was still thinking in terms of how I 'should look' and comparing myself to models in the mags and to other women and girls I would see.

Now I'm not doing that, I'm just loving Me!!!

That really makes me think that its truly not my size that counts, but my attitude that really makes a difference!!!!!

a-huhhhhh.....

POST 32

Today I went to see a sports masseuse.

He was shocked at how tight all my muscles were and I was shocked at how much it hurt to have him work on me.

It really hit home for me, the impact  all the years and hours of running and lifting weights and over excersizing, have had on my body.

I realize now the importance of taking this time out to really get to know where my body is at and what it needs to be healthy.

Certainly a balance lifestyle is part of the key to health. But its finding that balance is what I struggle with. 
In the past, my focus on excersizing was to lose weight, and firm up.

To do that, I would run for hours on hard pavement and uneven ground. I would run on hot summer afternoons and freezing cold winter mornings in the snow.  I would work out with weights, for hours a day.  I could, at one stage, squat more than alot of the guys at my local gym. 

I was really proud of that, and proud that I was making my muscles bigger, and tighter. And proud that my body was slim and trim.

I rarely stretched nor did I balance out those excersizes with yoga or any relax classes. 

Now years later, I'm noticing things about my body that are a possible result of that excersize regimen:

I have a shortened left leg; I have an anterior tilt which means in plain terms, my spine tilts forward; I have tight calves, thighs and glutes and I experience back pain every so often. When I try to stretch or do yoga, I struggle to hold a posture because my muscles are so tight!

And to think that my physical issues today are related to a motivation to lose weight and be thin.

Nowadays, my focus is on loving myself and giving myself what I need to be healthy and happy.
Obviously, excersize is a part of that healthy lifestyle, but I am now choosing participation in experiences that I enjoy and feel good to my body.

I now choose excersize, not based on how many calories they burn, but on how fun they are to do!

So today's blog is dedicated to finding out how to enjoy our bodies and to be motivated by love for them, not what we want to change about them! 

I'm sure with that in mind, I'm off to a good start in getting my body into a healthy place.

POST 31

I've been thinking about the psychology behind my motivation for writing this blog.

I am aknowledging that I am no longer running away from "the fat man"....the man inside my head that warns me to stay two steps ahead of him because if he catches me, he'll turn me into a ball of fat.

For years, I literally ran kilometres a day, trying to outrun the 'man'.

But it became so gosh darn tiring, running from this man....running from a part of myself in fact.

And it didn't work trying to stay one step ahead, because eventually I grew weary and needed to take a rest.

And then I stopped running, just for a moment.

But when I stopped running, I got so consumed with fear about the fat man catching up to me, and what would happen to my life, if he did? I became horrified with the thought of becoming unlovable and unacceptable...and unworthy of love. And I believed that going up a size in my clothes was an unloveable thing for me to do.

Who will love me if I'm fat, I wonder? And how will I love myself, if no one loves me?

And I know the emotion of feeling unlovable, and I know how bad it is. How awful you feel when there is something about you that you feel is bad or stupid or just plain wrong...

You feel helpless and vulnerable, and sad, and alone.

So of course, it makes sense that I run to avoid feeling these feelings again. And I'm wise to want to avoid that pain.

But it's wrong to believe that running a million miles from my fears of being unlovable will make them go away.

And its courageous to turn instead, and face my fears. It's a move based on faith and self love, that I decide to stop running and choose to stand my ground and address my fear.

And when I do face my fears, they tend to after time, fade a little. And in the place where they once lived, a stronger thought rings true...

That I am no longer a little girl who needs to be scared of something as trivial as a buddha belly, or a cottage cheese thigh...

I am all that, and much much more!

I embrace fat.
I embrace imperfections.
I embrace my health.
I embrace my lazy days and freedom to spend it anywhere other than the gym.
I embrace this wise woman inside me, who reminds me that I'm an adult now and I can CHOOSE to love all of me.  I can choose to believe and act on the belief, that all of me is loveable and acceptable.

POST 30

Today I've been thinking about how I, and many other people, eat for taste not hunger.

It makes sense to me, that I have such a hard time only eating enough food to feel full, when the food I'm eating tastes so darn good!

Why eat a bowl of salt and vinegar chips, when I can eat an entire bag?

Mouth ulcers...thats why...my bodies way of subtly informing me that I've eaten enough for one day.

Funny how my body tells me when I've had enough, whether it be hives from eating handfulls of almonds even though their something I'm allergic to. Or jelly-belly sickness in Mexico from eating a jello I bought off a boy on an 18 hour busride...some things don't agree with me...and my body knows!

So why is it so darn tough to listen to this body of mine, when she tells me to stop eating when I am full? Or to not eat something in the first place when I know it makes me feel crappy...icecream, I'm talking to you here...

I think part of the problem is that food tastes so darn yummy!  The other day, I felt full, but I kept eating a yummy breaky I threw together.  I asked myself why I still wanted to eat, and I answered,"because it tastes so good!"

Wrong answer!  If i'm eating when I'm full because something tastes good, I am not honouring my body.  But when food tastes this good, its hard to put my body first!  I want to put my taste buds first! I want yumminess and sweetness, and saltiness and- can't stop I'm eating fabulousness...Why eat half a bag of chips when I can eat the whole darn bag?

Mouth ulcers...that's why...my bodies way of telling me I've had enough for one day.

So todays post is in recognition that sometimes a lesson learned may be a long time coming...and old habits die hard, especially while there are still chocolates and chips on a shelf at a grocery store.

Here's to learning to how to eat for hunger, not taste.  Wish me luck! So far I need it!

POST 29

The other day, I wrote in an entry, how I felt time really assists one in adjusting to changes in ones life.

When I first decided to stop excersizing specifically to lose weight and chose to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted eat, as opposed to being on an eating 'plan' to stay slim and trim....I was terrified that I was going to end up obese.  I was truly worried for my health and well being at that time.

In the beginning of this journey about a month ago, I imagined that there was no way in hell I wasn't going to get bigger and bigger in size the longer I chose to eat what I want, when I wanted it.

But today it donned on me, that even though I've thrown all eating plans out the window and am not excersizing (to lose weight) apart from some dance classes, a little walking and some relaxation yoga...I haven't become huge.

Sure, I've got a budda belly and some thigh fat...but gosh, I feel good.  I feel fit and healthy and am able to do anything physical I feel like.  Now that is living!!!!

And it seems that time, as it passes, helps me adjust to this new way of thinking.  Time is helping me relax and encourages me not to worry about tomorrow, but focus on enjoying today.

Thinking about time got me thinking about a little story...

Growing up in my house, we always had a scale in the bathroom.  Mum was pretty consistant with using it. I never had a relationship with it until I hit highschool, or when I hit puberty at about 12.

That was about the time I started worrying that maybe I wasn't the 'right size'.  I started wondering if I looked the way I was supposed to.  Did I look normal? Was I ok? All of these questions started running through my head.

I started weighing myself, thinking that was a way I could gage if my size was acceptable.  It was around that time that interestingly enough, I started collecting fashion magazines like Vogue and my favourite, Elle.

As the years passed, I continued to use my mums scale. 

I distinctly remember always feeling bad about myself after I got off it. I never felt small enough to accept myself as beautiful...

I started to dread the idea of any guy picking me up while horsing around...afraid he'd find out how huge and heavy I was...I was terrified that he'd discover my secret and wouldn't like me anymore...and I was convinced that if a guy found out how heavy I was, he would tell the entire school and I would be so ashamed that I was so 'unfeminine'.

Years went by, and I was now into my 20s.  It was around this time that I remember weighing myself and the number was really low...surprisingly low...but instead of feeling good about weighing so little, I convinced myself that the scale was out and the number was wrong.

It was at that moment, that I began observing my thoughts and thinking how crazy was I to let these numbers on a metal contraption determine how I was going to feel about myself. 

I was so used to feeling bad about myself, even a positive number on the scale didn't lift my mood.  I still chose to feel bad.  I still chose to feel unacceptable to myself.

I decided then and there to quit the scales and to no longer weigh myself. 

It's been about 13 years now and I have no idea how much I weigh because I have never again looked at my weight on a scale.  If I have been weighed at the doctors, I ask that they don't tell me the amount, and I look away as I'm weighed.

This small step towards freedom has taken TIME...in the early years of my withdrawal, I was so often tempted to take a quick peek...I would tell myself, just have a quick look to see if you're ok.  "You're looking really slim and you hardly have any cellulite so weigh yourself, and you'll get to feel proud of how slim you are." 

But I never fell for it...and over time, the need turned into desire,and finally the desire too, slipped away.

Now when women talk about how much they weigh with sadness, I can't relate to that self judgement because I really have no idea.  And I feel lucky to be away from that feeling because I know it doesn't feel nice.

And time helped me sort that one out...so today's entry is dedicated to all of us who want to find new ways of loving ourselves and enjoying the freedom it brings...

And to time, for giving us the helping hand we sometimes need.

Hip hip hooray, it gets easier each day!

POST 28

Well, today finds me once again, enjoying eating what I want, when I want it, but feeling challenged in the area of only eating enough to feel full.

I am tired from school, work and social committments, and find that I head, not to the bed for a nap, but to the pantry for a pick-me-up snack.

And to top it all off, most of my old bottoms like skirts, shorts and pants are not fitting. 
In fact, just the other day, when racing off to doubles tennis with brad and our friends, I couldnt fit anything but for a pair of brad's boardies. Now that was depressing!!!!! And they were a perfect fit, not loose at all...in the PAST none of brads shorts would fit me so that's a double yowie owie...

Needless to say, that really got me down...I started wondering if the beautiful and vivacious creature that I was seeing in the mirror, was just a figment of my imagination? I mean, sure when I look in the mirror I see the cellulite and the fat rolls, but more importantly, I see how sexy and curvy I look.  I feel like a real woman!!

But being the same size as my man, that really got to me! I thought about it for about 48 hours, wondering if my body weight is out of control or something...

So how did I deal with those emotions you ask?  Did I quickly decide to jump on a diet or head to the gym?  Did I jump on the bandwagon of self-loathing and fear?

No I did not!

So how did I get through that, and still come out feeling beautiful and blessed and lovely?

I mentally brushed the thoughts away that made me feel bad about myself. 

I chose to deliberately focus on the positive body image ideas I have about myself like how lucky I am to be so healthy.

I focused on feeling appreciative that I haven't needed to go to the hospital for anything in 5 years and have not needed to see a doctor in over a year.  I'm on no medications and suffer from no ailments! I think that makes me one heck of a lucky girl!

And then I got to thinking that if a pair of my boyfriends shorts fit me and feel comfy on, as opposed to squeezing into something uncomfortable of my own, than why not wear them with joy?

Afterall, my body has taken care of me this long, so I need to return the favour and make her feel good too.

So once again readers, this journey towards food freedom and a positive relationship with my body is not a light an easy one...but it can be if I continue to make it so using my power of focus and positive thought.
Yip yip yippee, I'm not afraid to be meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

POST 27

As I have said before, I am finding food freedom in my life, by eating what I want, when I want it, but only when I'm actually hungry. 

That last bit, about eating only when I'm hungry, that's the tough one for me.

I started the habit of turning to food for comfort at such a young age, that I now have years of experience of turning to food and eating for many other reasons than feeling hungry.

I have a difficult time even recognizing when I am full.  I get confused and find myself so focused on how good it tastes that I want to keep eating, regardless of if I am even still hungry.

Lately, I find that I seem to be adjusting to this routine.  I am starting to feel a certain peace come over me.  The fearful thoughts and worries about my weight and what food can do to it (if I don't excersize like mad, or stick to a strict eating plan) are slowly dissipating with time...

I know from experience that time can go a long way in  healing a broken heart, but I never really thought about its ability to create change in ones life.  I'm finding that if I do something long enough and over and over, time seems to help me along.

I feel that I am adjusting to my beliefs in food freedom, and am beginning to trust this process.

I no longer feel that I am dangling over a cliff, with the possibility of falling to my death, screaming.

I am starting to feel safe and content with my relationship with food.

Obviously, I am still struggling at times to only eat when I am hungry and I still get tempted to substitute the food I feel like, for something that I know will be less calories...

But I'm getting there,and the road is feeling alot less bumpy.

So today, I want to convey that this journey, at this time, is getting easier.

Woop woop, and hip hip hooray, this journey is easy today!!!!

POST 26

As I mentioned in my last post, I was at a conference this past weekend.

Not knowing anyone, and being in a new situation, I was out of my comfort zone and on top of that, I ran out of money, so I couldn't eat anything for an entire day.  That sucked. 

But I got through it and I realized how much of a crutch food is for me....

I also became really aware at the conference, how lucky I am to be housed in a healthy body.

It was physically tough sticking out 2 full days of sitting on a hard, plastic chair listening to speakers. 

I recall looking at those around me, and seeing that alot of people were really struggling to sit that way for so long.

I specifically caught sight of a woman near me.  She was really uncomfortable and kept sighing and shifting her weight about.  She looked like she was feeling less than fabulous.

I really took that in.  I thought how blessed I am to have such a healthy body and how it really is my job to keep it as flexible and mobile as possible....

I realize how I want to be able to tackle the challenges that life brings me, with joy and comfort, not pain.

And experiencing food freedom and sustaining a healthy approach to food through eating what I want when I want it, when I am hungy, is a key to that physical health and wellbeing.

So today's blog is dedicated to that beautiful woman at the conference, who strugged to get comfortable in her own skin, the way I struggle to get comfortable with food.

May our journey's both follow a road of peace and joy...

POST 25

This weekend, I attended a conference in the city.

I drove the 2 hour drive alone, knowing that I would most likely not know another soul at this 2 day event.  And I was right. Not only did I not know anyone, but it was alot of information that was way above my head. 

I felt really outside of my comfort zone pretty much the whole time.  All of my senses were really active and I didn't have much time to think about food on the first day of the conference.

On the second day, if you can believe it, my debit card wasnt working so I was unable to buy any food all day.  Into the afternoon, I was pretty hungry, but again, because there was so much going on around me, I didnt notice too much.

It really made me realize that when I try new things, and step outside my comfort zone, food isn't such a priority to me.  In my everyday life, food is my favorite way to treat myself and make myself feel good..."Oh it's friday night so I'm gong to buy a big bag of chips to celebrate"...."I've got to pay some bills at the mall so I'm going to make it fun by treating myself to a chai latte." and on and on.

I also found, how well I can function on very little food.  That is a real eye opener for me as I have such a hard time with not eating when I am full.  I actually find it difficult to connect with the feeling of my tummy being full...I tend to keep eating till I feel sick and then use the sickness as a gage for being full.

But this weekend, my tummy was hungry, but I still got through the day.  That makes me feel empowered, to know that I can be outside my comfort zone, without access to food, and still be ok.

If you read my past blogs, you will know how much comfort and safety I derive from a full belly so this is a big realization for me.

Hip hip hooray, I'm learning today!

POST 24

Have I ever told you about my fixation with stealing food and/or money to buy food?

I started stealing 1 kilo bags of brown sugar from my mums kitchen pantry.  I would eat this sugar with a spoon, while hiding either under my bed, or in the linen press.

After a little while, mum must have started hiding the sugar somewhere I couldn't find it, so I started stealing the Flinstone multi-vitamins mum was making us kids take each morning.  They were kinda sweet and tangy, so I started sneaking the whole container full.   Pretty much in one go.

Mum soon changed her mind about giving us the vitamins, and hence, my dealer was no more.  I had to get creative.  The next time we were visiting my Gramma, I snuck into her pantry and stole jello packets.  Once we got back home, I would run out to the bushes along our driveway, and inhale the sweet red jello powder.  In one go, of course.

But we weren't over at Gramma's often enough for her to be my supplier, so I had to think outside the box.  Mum was pretty strict about not allowing much junk food in the house.  Apart from chips on friday nights, there wasn't alot to choose from in the pantry or the fridge.  And all I got in my lunchbox each day was a peanut butter sandwhich, an apple and a granola bar.

It was around this time that I started bringing my treasured and most awesome sticker collection to school.  I started off small, trading the best of my scratch and sniffs (bubblegum flavour), garfield, smurfs and packman  stickers to other kids for their sugary snacks. This went on until I was down to my crappy stickers and the 'my little pony' one that I couldn't bear to part with.

I then expanded my entrepeneur skills to include theft.  I began stealing chocolate bars and candy from the other kids lunchboxes.  Unfortuneatly I got caught red handed and had to spend a week of lunches standing in front of the office with my nose pressed to the wall.  And no lunch!

I can't recall how I discovered it but mum had a stash of money, all coins, in a metal tin, hidden in the den.  It was church collection money, as mum was the sunday school teacher at that time.  I started stealing a couple coins at first.  I used this money to pay the big kids at school, who were able to leave the school grounds at lunch, to buy me candy from the convenience store.

That lasted only a short while, before they got the shits with me always pestering them, and told me to f-off.

I was taking just a few coins each day, waiting to see if mum noticed.  But she never did.  I started carrying a secret coin purse with me when we would do the groceries.  I would spend all my energy trying to figure out a way to sneak away while mum was waiting at the deli for some cold cuts.  I would make some excuse and race over to the candy isle, and then over to the cashier to pay.  All the while, I was terrified that mum or my brother and sister would see me and the jig would be up. They never did catch me, so I would pay for my goods and stash them inside my underwear until I got home.   Then I would eat them while hiding under my bed, or out behind the garage in the field.

I started getting brave, if not greedy, and I was taking dollars at a time now.  This went on for ages, even though my sister seemed to grow more suspicious everyday.  My sister was noticing that I had money whenever we'd go out.  She was suspicious because she got the same allowance as me, so she couldn't understand where all the money was coming from. I started to feel so guilty and scared but I couldn't stop stealing the money or buying the candy.  I was a full on addict!

Can you believe, I don't actually recall how my cover got blown?  I'll have to ask my sister and mum and I'll let you know.

My point in today's blog is, I have a complicated relationship with food my whole life. 

So today is dedicated to the gorgeous, if not resourceful, child that I was, and adult that I now am.  I take time to laugh and find humour in the crazy ways I tried to meet my emotional needs with food.  I now also honour that I no longer need to do that. Hooray hooray, today is a new day!!!!  Life is good!

POST 23

I have been feeling a little lost and afraid, worried that my decision to eat what I want, when I want is going to cause me to put weight on...afraid that I will grow so large, none of my awesome clothes will fit.  So large, that I won't be able to go to the public beaches in my bikini without feeling crappy.  So large, that I will lose the confidence and self appreciation I hold so dear.

And then...

I head over to my friend Jenni's house and she hands me a book called, "Women Food and God", by Geneen Roth.  I've read Geneen's work before, as I've mentioned, so I tucked it into my bag without further thought, and proceed to forget all about it.

Cut to a few days later and I'm visiting my fabulous sister-in-law.  She is an author and a book-nut.  And what book do you think she recommends to me? You guessed it, "Women Food and God". 

Now I may be a little slow on the uptake, as I rarely get a joke without it being explained to me, but I certainly take heed when the universe speaks. And she was speaking!  So following two suggestions from loved ones, I began to read this book.

Amazing!!!! Absolutely spot on and awesome!!!

Without going into too much detail, Geneen was able to explain to me, some of my own behaviors and attitudes about food.  Because she has been there herself. 

Geneen talked about the first step towards freeing oneself in regards to food, is to eat what you want, when you want it.  But she went on to say that one must also put an effort info eating only when you are hungry.  Not when you are bored, or scared, or tired.  Eat only when you are hungry. 

Now that was a huge wakeup call for me.  If you've been following my blog, you are familiar with my habits of eating ESPECIALLY when I am tired, bored and scared.  You may recall when I've written about eating 1 kilo bags of brown sugar with a spoon, as a child.  You may recall when I wrote about eating an entire freezers contents of frozen sugary treats, as I kid.  You would know by now, how difficult it is for me to eat only when I am hungry and to stop when I am full.

So to read Geneen's words that "if you eat what you want, when you want it, when you are NOT hungry, you are bingeing", I felt a sense of deep and profound awareness that she was right.

I have written about my own history of following very strict food plans, where I fasted and/or didn't eat much at all. I have also admitted to other times, eating so much at every meal that my tummy hurts and I stop putting food in my mouth only when I feel sick.

I've begun this journey with food freedom, and insisted that I eat what I want, when I want, as a road towards a trust in my body and the food I eat.  I wanted to throw away my ever-changing rule book about what foods were 'allowed' and 'safe'.

But what I have been noticing on this journey, is that I was still eating till I felt sick. I was still eating when I was bored studying for my massage therapy exam, even though I'd already eaten a massive lunch a few minutes earlier.  I'm still eating when I'm exhausted and all I can think of is to go to bed.  Instead, I head to the kitchen and eat.

It seems that in throwing away my rule book, I'd lost sight of a very important guideline for enjoying food freedom: 

Eat as much as I want, when I want, when I am actually HUNGRY.

So peeps, wish me luck in my endevour to devour food only when I am (actually) hungry! Woop Woop!

POST 22

It's been a week since I've written in the blog! I've been that snowed down with committments that I couldn't find the time or energy to write.

But I've had so many thoughts about my current journey, into food freedom and away from a fear of food.

I was feeling a little stuck in my emotions.

  I knew that continueing to eat what I wanted, when I wanted was the right thing for me to do, to learn that I can trust my body and the food I choose to put in it.  But at the same time, I was still aware that I was eating when I was full.  I eat when I'm tired, or bored or worried about something.  If I have a day off and I spend it around the house, I'm constantly opening the fridge for food.

I didn't know what to do about all the snacking or how to come from a place where I didn't need to.  But I was refusing to stop eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, regardless, because that is the opposite of what I have ALWAYS done!

I have always felt really bad about myself for eating any foods that I didn't think were 'safe' foods.  My safe list, as my family will tell you, changed every day of every week of every year....it never stayed the same!  It changed according to what new article I'd read that told me I would lose weight. It also changed depending on who I spoke to that had lost weight, and how they did it.

I was constantly influenced by the world around me.  I was always searching for the answer to all my weight 'problems'.  (I now realize I was looking for an answer to all my SELF ESTEEM problems, but that's for another days discussion.)

And because I was always looking for the solution, I was readily jumping on every eating plan you can imagine.

Because it was suggested in a health food book, I once fasted on water for a day and a half, until I started seeing stars, having dizzy spells, and behaving irrationally.  I think my boyfriend was really scared I was going to kill him in his sleep!

Another time, I tried fasting on lemon and cucumber juice with shots of olive oil, because I read it was a good way to detox.  It tasted as awful as it sounds.

I also lived on cabbage soup for a week, when my roomate at the time told me she lost heaps of weight from doing the same thing.

Once, because I found out that I was going to be in my underwear in a play and god forbid, I had cellulite, I fasted for 10 days, drinking only water and lemon until 5 pm, then eating a regular dinner. But it worked! I lost weight and felt good about my body for the show. ( Little did I realize the damage I was doing to my psyche though.)

I have spent weeks only eating raw, organic almonds.  Nothing else.  I ate so many almonds over such a short period of time, that I became allergic...If I eat too many now, my tongue swells up painfully.

I have been on an eating plan where I only allowed  myself alkaline foods, so I ate spinach and goat cheese fetta for weeks straight.

After seeing an acqaintance shrinking down to half her body weight from drinking only protein shakes, I did the same, and refused to injest any solid foods for weeks.  Boy did I poo!

I have eating only salad every night for weeks, after reading an article on Jennifer Aniston, who insisted that she keeps her weight down by having a salad once a day.

I have drunk only juice till noon, because it gave me a flat stomach,and because I read that it would make me skinny. It worked and I was skinny, but I was unhappy as well. I didn't feel safe knowing that my skinny-ness was dependant on such a strict rule.  It stressed me out, worrying about how long I could stick with it or keep it up.

I have refused to eat anything after 8 pm because I figured it was like a mini fast, until morning, at which time I wouldn't eat until after 10am...basically, I'd hold off eating as long as I could to extend my fasting time.

So as you can see, I have a long history in NOT eating what I want, when I want, so no wonder I feel scared and afraid and out of control!!!!!

Today's blog entry is dedicated to the value of feeling out of control, as a road towards healing and change.

POST 21

Yesterday my sweet little nieces came over for a visit.  I'd just gotten home from the beach and I was wearing only a bikini...
The seven year old kept staring at my belly and breasts, robust and round as they are...next thing I knew, she was patting my belly. It was funny although I knew that I should be embarassed but on some level, I felt that it was only natural for her to be drawn to my soft, round belly, after all- it's at her eye level!

But then a minute later, her little sister, the 4 year old, comes up to me and says, "You have a fat belly!"  I was embarrassed that attention had been given to it, yet again, I still felt it was quite funny! I looked down at my belly and rubbed it, like a buddha, and laughed at my nieces reaction.

It made me realize that I am not so worried about how I'm percieved, in regards to 'imperfections' and all...but more to the point, I get caught up in how I think I should react: embarrassed, ashamed, and compelled to cover up.

But I didn't feel like that.  I felt sexy and natural, having just spent 2 hours lying in the sand dunes in the afternoon sun, at my local beach.  Having watched the waves crash on the sand below and pondered how healthy my beautiful body is.

Why is how we 'think' we should feel so important and often so varied to how we 'actually' feel?

POST 20

I have been feeling really scared and emotional on this journey so far...from being afraid of food, and what it does to my body-towards experiencing food freedom and facing my fears.

Each day has been an emotional roller-coaster...but despite the scary climbs up the tract and the sharp drop down at warp speeds, I am not getting off this ride!!!

I feel like I just want to get my body back...that if I do what I've always done and focus on my figure and keeping it slim and trim, than all my unhappiness will go away.  That I will be ok if I look ok.
But deep inside, I know that's not how it really works.  I have been a size 8, a gorgeous unstoppable and sexy size 8...and guess what?  I was terrified all the time that I would eat too much of the wrong thing and put on weight.  I was focused on excersizing every day as much as possible so that I would keep my body just as it was, but hoped to perhaps lose a little more weight off my butt in the process.

I wasn't even secure in myself at that stage.  I remember still worrying about people looking at my butt while I was walking along the beach in my bikini.  I was still covering up the parts of me that I didn't think were worthy of my appreciation and love.

So today, yet again, I am focusing my attention on loving myself as I am..  I am focusing on facing my fear of carrying fat on my body and what that means to me.

Wish me luck, as I venture in this unknown territory!!! woop woop!!!

POST 19

I've been toying with this idea about allowing myself to trust that the food I eat will have a loving and healthy relationship with my body.

I am pondering alot about my fears of food and what it does to my body.

I've been thinking...doesn't fear in general cause a certain amount of stress on the body?

If you think about all the times I engage with food, every meal, every snack and every drink...if I'm afraid of food, then thats a heck of alot of fearful thoughts I've been having.

I've been thinking that not only can food way me down, but the fear around food can way me down too!
Emotionally heavy thoughts like helplessness and hopelessness and fear and shame, and judgement too...they are all really heavy thoughts to be carrying around.

If I am sustaining a fear of food and what it can do to my body/size, I'm sure that adds weight to my emotional body.

Isn't that a comical thought...that my fear of food and the weight it can put on me, may be creating a heaviness in other areas of my life...like my psyche, emotions, and spirit...

POST 18

I was just trying to sign into my blog, when lo and behold I stumbled upon another womans blog.  She too, is writing about her journey towards food freedom!!! I was so excited to read her personal accounts of a journey towards food freedom.  Very cool! Check her out on my homepage.

I've had a few busy days and have felt there was not much to write about.  I am still having positive moments of self acceptance and love, when I look in the mirror and feel beautiful and precious.

But at the same time, I am still bouncing back into feelings of fear about my eating habits and what they can do to my body.

Because its bikini season here, all the new designs have landed in stores.  I took about an hour the other day, to once again, try on lots of different designs.  Looking at myself in the mirror has felt really confusing...I see fat and cellulite but I also see beautiful skin and sexy curves.  I am quite bottom heavy at the moment and I find that really hard to look at.

But I believe that if I allow the feelings of dissapointment about my body to be the emotions that I connect to, then I will only be feeding my fear of food further.  So instead, I am focusing on the happy thoughts of  self love and acceptance.

I look healthy and sensual.  I look like I enjoy all that life has to offer.  I look strong and confident.  I look curvy and sexy.  I feel feminin and luschious.  I feel I am nurtering myself as I look in the mirror and feel love.

I've been feeling some truly deep thoughts and emotions about my body, fear, freedom, food, and self love...but they are still too confusing to get out into words.

But one thing I'd like to say is that I believe at this point in time, that there is so much more that affects our body size and shape, than just the food we eat, the calories we consume, and the calories we burn.

I am starting to experiment with the crazy notion that loving my body can actually change its shape.  The idea that loving my body will create a new type of emotion that can allow emotional shifts to occur, which in turn will change habits and effect how my body looks and feels. 

I 'm starting to feel that its not the food or the calories I need worry about, but the fears themselves. And thats what I want to deal with, on my journey with food freedom.

POST 17

Yesterday, it was my boyfriends birthday.  We celebrated by, among other things, eating lots of junkfood, including a yummy birthday cake.

I enjoyed a piece and was stuffed, with no room to spare in my tummy.  Yet there I was, cutting off more cake and wolfing it down.  I ate a couple more pieces until I felt really sick.

It was bedtime and my tummy was now hurting me, being so swollen with too much food.

As I looked down at my sore, swollen tummy, I began to feel really bad about myself.   I started having thoughts like "You are such a weakling.  You always eat to much.  You can never stop when you are ful."

I started feeling like I was spiralling into more bad feelings about myself, so I decided to sit down on the floor, on a cushion cross legged and spend some time tuning itno how I was feeling about myself.

I took a few deep breaths to become centered and then I observed my thoughts and what I was telling myself.  I discovered that I was saying really mean things to myself and putting myself down.

So it was at that moment, I decided to change what I was thinking.  I decided to tell myself that I loved myself, no matter what.  That I loved the parts of me that choose to eat too much, even when I'm already full.   I choose to accept all the parts of me.

I came out of that mini-meditation and self reflection, feeling much better emotionally.

And I reminded myself that I can eat what I want, when I want it, trusting that by giving myself freedom in regards to food I eat, I will eventually find a place of balance. 

But in order to get there, I need to love myself during the journey.  And I need to love all of me, not just the parts that eat healthy food.

So today is Loving Leanna Day! Hip Hip Hooray, I love Leanna today!!!

POST 16

Today I awoke, thinking that although I am eating what I want, when I want it, I'm still not fitting into alot of my clothes.  I've still got a larger-than-I-would-like body and loads of cellutlite on my butt.

Although eating what I want, when I want, has not given me the type of  body  I've desired for so long, it has actually given me something much greater:

I feel ok.  I feel acceptance for who I am and what I look like today.  I feel relief that I don't have to do anything to change my weight.  I don't have to make myself run, or go to the gym.  I don't have to diet or force myself to eat a certain way. 

I'm feeling so much freedom and relief, as though I've jumped off a running wheel....one which cost me alot of energy, yet never got me anywhere.

So today, I'm celebrating a life worth enjoying.  I'm honoring the me that wants to eat too much cake on my birthday, and the me who loves herbal tea and sunflower seeds for breakfast.

I'm honoring the me that loves myself even when I eat too much, knowing that all the parts of me AND all my choices, are ok. 

Hip Hip Hooray, I'm ok today!

POST 15

Today I am thinking about how much easier life would be, if only I can continue to trust my relationship to food.

And I imagine that if I truly trusted my body and felt safe eating what I want, when I want, I would feel strong, and secure in myself. 

I wouldn't look outside of myself for answers in regards to diets and excersize. I would decide what my body wants and needs by looking inside myself.

I got to thinking about this the other day when I pulled out the Body and Soul section of the Sunday Telegraph.  One article that really caught my eye featured interviews with people who had lost weight.  It was titled, "What I ate to lose weight".

In the past, I would have been pouring over that article, trying to get a heads up on my own weight issues.  But this day in particular, I found it sad and unnecessary.

I'm wondering, isn't there a much easier way to maintain a healthy weight that is appropriate for me? 

I have spend so much time and energy reading articles, and looking for that one food to eat, or not eat, that will allow me to remain at my ideal weight.  But I'm now feeling that I can give myself the answers simply by eating what I want, when I want it.

After all, what is right for Joe Blow, may not be right for me.  I am honouring my body and my own uniqueness. 

I trust that I have the answers inside me!

POST 14

Yesterday's post was about remembering my childhood relationship with food.  I started at a young age, sneaking and stealing food, usually sugar of some sort.  I would binge on sugary foods, till I felt sick and could eat no more.  I used this bingeing to distance myself from feelings of sadness and fear.  But this overeating , even from such a young age, made me feel helpless and hopeless and afraid of food and what it can do to my body.

So today's blog is dedicated to creating a new relationship with food.  A relationship based on trust and a belief that I can eat what I want, when I want.  I no longer need to use food to mask my emotions.  I now feel safe feeling my emotions. I no longer need to use food to comfort me, as I find healthy ways to comfort myself.

I hope to raise my own children (when I have them) in such a way, that they feel comfortable eating what they want, when they want.  I believe that this attitude is the key for finding a healthy balance of eating and puts the belief of power back into oneself.

It is empowering to trust in your bodies innate wisdom. It is empowering to feel that you may eat what you want, when you want, without being terrified that you will be harming yourself  in some way. 

I have always feared that if I eat what I want when I want it, I will eat terribly unhealthy food and copious amounts of it, doing myself harm.  I now am seeing past this fear, and recognizing that fear is all that was!

I look forward to finding the balance and providing a healthy example for others, especially children.  I look forward to raising children who believe that their relationship with food is healthy, and providing them with the tools to honour and trust their bodies.

Wish me luck!

POST 13

When I was a little girl, I started stealing 1 kilo bags of brown sugar from my mums pantry, which I would eat with a spoon, while hiding under my bed.

Sometimes I would hide the bag of sugar in the closet in a spare room, and sneak mouthfulls throughout the day. 

The sneaking of sugar became something that distacted me and gave me little comforts throughout the day.  I would be playing outside on the swingset and then find myself thinking about my secret bag of sugar.  It made me feel good to know that I had something I could depend on.  Something that was sweet and good.

I would hide, and take mouthfull after mouthfull of brown sugar.  It stopped tasting very good after the first few spoonfulls, but I really liked how the repetition of eating gave me something to focus on and numbed my feelings.

This secret binging became a distraction for me.  I would be able to distance myself from all my bad feelings...feeling scared, and hurt and alone, and even feeling like a really bad person...these emotions could all be blocked out by eating copious amounts of sugar.

But the flipside to this experience was that I felt awful sneaking and stealing the sugar and I felt sick as well from eating so much junk.  Especially when I wasnt even hungry. 

I remember being in grade 2 or 3 and discovering a freezer full of sweet treats like nanaimo bars, peppermint and chocolate squares, peanut and marshmellow squares and  brownies.  There were many boxes full of these sugary eats, and they were as I said, all frozen.

I still recall clear as day, how I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be eating these desserts, as they were for a school event of some sort.  But the familiar feelings of hiding and sneaking and stealing overcame me and I gave myself permission to try 'just a couple' of the desserts.

At first bite, despite being frozen, they were pretty good.  I dropped the freezer lid, and left the room.  But I couldn't stop thinking about the treats.  The idea of eating them began to consume me.  It distracted me from anything else I was doing.  I had to go back for more!

So I snuck back into the freezer room, and ate a few more.  Then I started really focusing on the eating, and I ate almost an entire box in one go.  I ate till I was so sick that I couldn't stand another bite.

All that afternoon, I felt like a had a bad secret. I felt like a bad person because I had stolen all that food that was meant for someone else.  I knew my mum was going to be angry and think bad of me for what I had done.  I was terrified that any minute I was going to be found out.

But at the same time,  I somehow welcomed the distraction, knowing that I had a secret stash of goodies that I could gobble down, at any given moment.  That made me feel comforted somehow.

Throughout the next few days, I contiued to revisit the freezer and in no time at all, I had consumed the entire freezer full of desserts.  I had never felt more sick, nor more disgust with myself for doing such a bad thing.  I felt helpless and hopeless and out of control.

So as you can see, my relationship with food has been a mixed bag of lollies, right from the start!

I have allowed so many of my negative emotions about myself be triggered by how I and what I eat, from a very young age.  I have also used food as a comfort and as a distraction from my emotions.

So today is dedicated to the child I was, who did the best she could at the time! I now give myself permission to release her old habits and replace them with newfound Food Freedom, and a love and respect for myself and my body.  I now embrace a healthy relationship with food, and I enjoy eating what I want, when I want.

POST 12

Today, on day 12 of my journey from a fear of food and what it can do to my figure, I am once again focusing on food freedom.

I am yet again, reminding myself that it is ok to eat what I want, when I want.  That my body, in its innate wisdom, will steer me towards what it needs.  I just need to trust in the process of choosing to give my body back her power.  Instead of putting my power in external factors like calorie counting, dieting and over excersizing in relation to fear.

I feel scared today. And sad that my thighs are rubbing, that my tummy sticks out and that so many of my gorgeous clothes aren't fitting.

I felt really tempted today, to make a drastic change.  I thought about restricting my food intake and envisioned long runs on the beach as my solution to feeling better about myself.

Instead, here I am writing this blog.  Yet again, having spent another day eating what I wanted when I wanted it.

I think I can say that I'm proud of myself for facing my fear and not backing down.

I don't know much, but one of my experiences has been that when I face the very thing I am afraid of, I always come out ontop.  I always learn something new about myself and I always feel that I've grown somehow from the experience.

So here's to another day of not having all the answers, and feeling fear but facing it head on as opposed to turning away and falling into old, familiar and comfortable habits that have a proven track record of failing me in the end anyway(such as my dieting and over excersizing.)

Please wish me luck and send me some lovin'!

POST 11

My journey to food freedom, and away from a fear of food, has been stimulated and inspired by so many people I've met and experiences I've had. 

For the last year, I have been spending a few hours a week selling clothing to women and girls in a fashion boutique.

It has been a major eye opener, to bear witness to all the unique individuals who have come into the shop, and hear from them, how they feel about their bodies.

A remarkable moment came for me, when a woman of about 40 came in to buy a dress for a wedding.  She was an extra small and most of our dresses were much too big for her.  But I gave her a little black number that I thought would hug her small frame and look fabulous.  And it did!  But she didnt think so. All she was able to focus on was that her butt was too big!

It was at that very moment that I had an epiphany:

If this gorgous woman who is tall, and long and lean and much more toned and fit than I, can't see her own beauty, then what hope to I have?

It was like someone held a mirror up to me and showed me how my current state of mind was no different from this womans. My own ideals about needing to be as close to 'perfect' as possible in order to feel happy with myself were certainly reflected back to me when I served this woman.

About 98% off all women I serve, from 15 years of age, to 80, really talk about what they don't like about there bodies.  I started noticing that not many people come in and obviously are loving themselves and how they look.

In my own life, how I feel about how I look, is a reflection of how I feel about myself.  Our appearances are most certainly  extensions of how we see ourselves and percieve ourselves in the world.

If I am trying on clothes, or in recent days, a bikini, and all I can see are my 'flaws' like cellulite, veins and skin rolls, instead of drawing my attention to how healthy I look and how sexy my ample boosoms are, then I don't think I'm feeling much love for myself.  And I want to feel love for me!

So todays blog is dedicated to my customers in awe and respect of their own journeys with self acceptance and love! For me, I have discovered that self-acceptance starts with allowing myself to eat what I want when I want, and to accept how I look and feel, with joy and love.  Not an easy task, but one worth its 'weight' in gold!

I send love to all the women in my life, who remind me everyday, how important it is to love ourselves first and foremost.  By bearing witness to such beautiful and captivating women who stuggle with their own feelings of self love, it allows me to feel that I am not alone.

When I see women who are so beautiful and sexy and vibrant, and I hear them worry about if their butt is too big or tummy too rounded, and all I can see is how amazing they look, I realize that we are all in this together!

I feel honoured to be a woman today!

POST 10

Wow, I'm now into the double digits of my Food Freedom journey!!!

I don't feel heaps different, apart from sudden moments of indescribable peace and joy for my body and my life.  I feel relief that I am feeling ok with my body and my relationship to food...

Unfortuneatly, these moments are still fleeting and peppered with moments of total fear and helplessness.

Bikini season is fast arriving and I'm feeling really contrasting emotions when I look in the mirror.  The majority of feelings are of joy and love for my sensual, womanly, healthy body.

But then a little voice in my head says, "Are you crazy? Look at the size of your butt! And all that cellulite! C'mon, you can not seriously accept the shape you are in with joy and love, you're totally flawed right now!"

But the weird thing is, I do love myself, even when having to reveal my 'imperfect' body in public.  I do feel sexy and glamourous and beautifully vibrant! 

I'm still eating what I want, when I want, despite not being able to hide how my body is looking right now.  How's that for courage?

Today, I'm applauding myself and all us women out there, who choose to decide for THEMSELVES how to love and accept their total selves, flaws and all!!!

I'm applauding all women for being such beautifull and glorious demonstrations of what it is to be a woman!!
I feel that if I can continue to take the time to celebrate my Goddess within, just as I am today, than I am paving the way for others to do the same.

Lets take our power back from the media and break the rules...love yourself today: the fat, the cellulite, the wrinkles, the grey hair, the veins, and as much of the entire package as you can! 

No ones perfect so lets celebrate our health and laugh at the bits that make us feel less than...like hair on my nipples! Yes my nipples...If I can look down at the black hair on all the bits of  my body, like my toes and nipples, chin and stomach( just to name a few...the list is much larger, trust me) and not let it make me feel like I'm unworthy of love, then so can you! I think its really about attitude and how you view yourself, flaws and all.  I may not enjoy having all this hair and cellulite, but I'm not allowing it to make me feel helpless, hopeless or unlovable either!

I think for me anyway, this journey of living in Food Freedom, is a gateway to transforming my attitude towards not just my body, but all of me!!!

I've always used food and my fear of it, as a way to keep me in check and my body under control!
But by focusing on eating what I want, when I want, I am opening up a whole new universe, and learning secrets to loving myself!

One question I am asking myself is:

Where does the balance lie, between accepting myself as I am, and making changes to feel better?

Answer pending...

POST 9

I woke up unsure about what to write about today.

I'm feeling quite steady emotionally on this food freedom quest of mine, to eat what I want, when I want with joy and ease.  As opposed to fear and exhaustion.  No more having to try to squeeze in a run after a long day, not because I want to but because I feel I have to, to stay slim. No more being terrified of what I'm putting in my mouth, and how it will effect my figure.

I keep thinking about how amazing this body is of mine, anatomically speaking.  It really has an ancient wisdom, to keep me fit, vibrant, energized, mobile,strong and healthy.  I think my feelings and emotions around food, and being afraid of it and what it can do to my body, only impedes my sense of well being and happiness. 

I think my body, in its inate wisdom, can handle procesing the food I eat, without me having to panic.  I'm pretty sure that my body is awesome and that I just need to let it do its thing, without trying to force it to do things that it doesn't really want to do.

And one of  the things I find I've been FORCING myself to do is run.

I figure that differs for everyone...some of us need to, and get alot of goodness from running, for example. 

After a long stint with drug abuse, on my step towards recovery, I felt overcome by the need to, among other things, run.  And boy, what a differernce that made for me.  Running put me back into my body and brought me back to a place of health and appreciation for it.

But nowadays, running is no longer a safe harbour for me, but has become something that my body doesn't want to do right now. Running became something that I had to do to feel ok about myself.  It became something I made myself do in response to my fear of food and what it can do to my body.

Right now, all my body craves is lazy afternoons in the sun, yoga, bellydancing.  No running and no gym. It just doens't wanna!

So today is dedicated to honouring my body and those fabulous experiences that it craves!
Hooray for yoga, hooray for bellydancing, and hooray for mrs.sunshine!!!!
I give thanks and apprecation for these things being in my life!

POST 8

Today I woke up thinking about these two beautiful young girls I saw at the beach last week.

They were probably about 8 years old, and were running around the sand in their bikinis, playing ball games with eachother and some friends.

They were so cute! They had hot pink bikinis on and wore matching hot pink headbands.  But what I really loved about them was the vivacious way they ran around with no concern for how they looked.  They were too busy having fun!

They appeared so EFFORTLESSLY confident and content in their bodies.  I remember feeling that way myself, but it seems like a long time ago.  Although many times over the years, I have experienced moments of joy and appreciation for my body, it has always been AFTER alot of effort was invested in either excersize or a strict eating plan. It's been a long time since I've been content with my body in an effortless way.

I became self concious about my own body at about 10 or 11 years old.  I remember worrying about what clothes I wore and if people would think I looked good or not.  I worried that my butt was too big and that my legs were too short.  I don't recall thinking to myself how lucky I was to have such a healthy body, as I do now.  I just remember feeling really self concious and aware of what others may or may not think about what I wore and how I wore it. 

Fashion was really important to me, even then.  I had moments of fun where I put together an outfit that I thought was cool, so I felt cool. But I spent hours and hours trying different outfits on to make sure I got it right. But again, I felt alot of stress about whether or not people would think I looked good.

So today, I am dedicating my blog to those two beautiful beach girls!  May we all experience such confidence and joy with our bodies! And may our joy be effortless!!! 

Hip Hip Hooray!!!  I feel beautiful today!!!

POST 7

A funny thing has happened these last few days...

I have found that by letting go of the fear around food and its affects on my body, I have felt lighter and happier inside myself.

I have also found that mentally and emotionally, I have created space for my deeper fears to rise to the surface.

By not being busy or consumed by my daily worries and calculations of how much excersize I need in relation to how much food I've eaten, or what I shouldn't eat because I've eaten too much already, blah blah blah...

I have found that a connection to a deeper fear has risen. 

I realized that when I eat, I try to eat and drink enough to make my belly really, really full.  I also noticed that I eat even when I'm not hungry.

I asked myself why I would do this, because it is quite uncomfortable to have such a full belly.  It puffs out and kinda hurts a wee bit too.  And I do this everymeal of everyday.

When I took the time to ponder, I felt a connection to my mother and then to her mother.  My gramma Hoogenboom was in the Netherlands during the second world war.  She went for years without enough food to eat.  I believe that energetically and emotionally, we pass down these effects from trauma to our family members, be it via behaviours and or actions we do.

I realize that when I get the chance to eat, I go nuts because I'm afraid of when I will get to eat again.

Having a full belly gives me a certain comfort...but the emotion it is comforting is one of fear. 

I relate a full belly to safety and comfort.  Whenever I travel, as my companions can atest, I must eat all the time, snacking to keep my belly full, and my emotions at bay.

One time, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico. We took a day trip out to a town and were planning to stay the night.  I had never been there before.  As it turns out, we had not taken enough money to afford food, apart from a can of coke and a bag of chips.  We did stay the night and it was the longest night of my life!!!

I freaked out!  I felt so scared that I didnt have enough to fill my belly.  I felt so vulnerable and helpless, like a little girl.  I ended up with a migraine and went to bed to sleep away my pain and fear.  Not fun...but I really learned alot about myself that night.

I'm afraid to feel my hungry belly.
My full belly is comfort.
My full belly is security.
My full belly is safety.
My full belly is distraction.
My empty belly is terrifying.
My empty belly makes me scared of the unknown.(what if I dont get to eat soon?)
I feel weak and scared when I'm hungry.
I eat when I'm full which makes me feel helpless and weak because I can't stop.

I eat to distract and comfort myself, and to give my INTERNAL feelings of being weak and helpless, an EXTERNAL motivation..."You are so weak for eating this second sandwhich when you are already stuffed as it is"...I feel weak inside and helpless when I'm not intouch with my inner self.  Eating too much is just a cause and effect to this helplessness.

When I overeat I feel angry at myself because it hurts my tummy and its wasteful. And I'm sad because I'm not enjoying myself or the food I'm eating. It feels like an empty habit. I feel like a robot when I eat when I'm already full.

Wow, and this has all come out of deciding to eat what I want, when I want...crazy!

Lets see what insight tomorrow brings!

POST 6

How is changing my fearful relationship to food, like trying to dump a crappy boyfriend?

You know its the best thing for you, but it can take hours or even years of contemplating to make the final decision and make a change.  And even though he was no good for you and made you feel crappy about yourself, it was somehow comforting hanging around with him.  Even though you know that you deserve better!

I've had both a crappy relationship with a man, and with food! I know what I'm talking about...

I had a boyfriend at one stage who got pissed off at me while we were driving somewhere.  He was driving the car and pulled over and yelled at me to "get the beep out!"  Did I mention that it was my car?

He did alot worse than that, let me tell you, and I stuck around for the punishment. He actually dumped me in the end after having sex with a girl we knew. I felt really crappy and helpless and hopeless around him. But yet, I was afraid of not having him in my life.  Afraid I'd never find a guy that I liked as much as him.  I know this reads like a badly written soap opera, but it's my truth. I was young and in hindsight, this ex of mine taught me alot about what not to look for in a partner so for that, I thank him.

Speaking in the neighbourhood of crappy relationships, my partnership with food has been just as bad.  I've always been afraid of it, but didn't know if it could be any different.  I've felt helpless and hopeless towards food, feeling as though I have no say in how it effects me and my body, and therefore my life.

I have felt like what I've wanted doesn't matter and that I was at the mercy of food and calories and all that fun stuff.

So I guess what I'm asking myself now is, why stay in this crappy relationship with food?
Why not change it?
So I am.

One day at a time, I am no longer telling myself that food is my enemy.  When I have a scary thought, that I am out of control with eating or that I will never be a comfortable and healthy size that makes me happy, I just push that thought away and replace it with:

I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.  It is safe to trust in food. It is safe to allow my body to do what it wants when it wants.  My body is sacred and I honour it by allowing it to move where and how it wants.

POST 5

I was away for the weekend but diligently wrote out my post for the day...
Today I felt nothing but joy and relaxation as I ate whatever I felt like, without getting stressed.

I allowed myself to spend the day with friends relaxing and hanging out in the sunshine. 

It wasn't until the evening, that I got out of the shower and caught sight of my naked, dimply thighs and butt in a mirror, that my emotions took a quick turn for the worst...

I was shocked at my reflection!  What a shock to see my physical body in this current shape.  It reminds me of the last time I "let myself go".  I was working a full-time job in the corporate world and it took alot out of me.  I rarely excersized, but I was always aware and worried about my diet and lifestyle and the effects I believed both would have on my figure.

How do I feel today, being the biggest I've been in about 5 years?

I feel scared and out of control!  And perhaps crazy to let my body look like this,especially approaching summer, when I will be living in a bikini in public, at our local beaches.

Scared that my intention to face my fear of food and turn it into food freedom is a bad idea.  Scared that this won't work, and I will forever be fighting for my figure and afraid of food.  Scared that this experiment will end up making me feel worse than when I began and I will be back to the drawing board again, trying to find out how to keep my weight in check and my diet under control.

But thats what I've always done, and it clearly doesn't work...

I will get totally freaked out about my body getting flabbier and my clothes not fitting and then my fear will drive me to start excersizing like a mad woman.  I will feel sad that I gave up but relieved when my boobs get smaller and my thighs stop rubbing together.

I will lose the weight and look better. But I won't feel any better. I will feel helpless that I have to go to so much effort and spend so much time excersizing when I don't feel like it.

And then I will grow physically tired and will take a break from my gym workouts or fitness training sessions, and take time out to sit on the couch and recover.  And the weight I lost will come back.

I will be no better off then where I am today.

So, I'm sticking with this new outlook on food-food freedom.  The freedom to eat what I want, when I want.
I'm choosing to relax and enjoy food freedom.  To breaths, and relax into my body.  to take time just to hang out with it, and get to know it.  As opposed to rushing off to the gym for a session or to the beach for a run.

I give myself renewed courage, by reminding myself:

The sooner I face my fear of food, the sooner I reclaim my power.

Things always get worse before they get better, to test ones dedication to a committment.  This will get easier.

POST 4

My fourth day on this food freedom journey, and my intention today is to honour my mums own journey to food freedom...her's is a great one!

Since I can remember, my mother had been on a diet or at the very least, a quest to lose weight.  And as the years passed, the amount that she felt she needed to lose increased, along with her weight.

For many years, I often felt that her feelings about her weight issues monopolized our conversations and were extremely repetative.  When she spoke about how she was trying to lose the weight, or what she was or was not eating, it made me feel really, really tired. Maybe I was picking up her own feelings about being exhausted with the relationship she was having with food.  I can't really speak about her own motivations or views towards food, but I know how I felt about her journey, and how it made me feel about mine.

Helpless to help her, and determined to not go down the same road.  I saw how she struggled with food and her weight and it scared me. I didn't want to struggle with being overweight, so instead I tried anything to stay small. Little did I realize that whether you are big or small, if you are afraid of food and what it does to you, then you are on the same journey.

But things have taken a drastic change for my mumster...in the last few years she has taken a good hard look at her life, and decided that the focus she now wanted to place her attention on, was loving herself.

She had decided that for too long now, she had placed her attention, and daresay her power, to be happy on external factors, like her weight. 

She vowed to stop focusing on  losing the weight, to instead work at addressing core issues like self-acceptance and self appreciation. 

Now think about this for just a moment please...my mum would classify herself as obese. Her current weight does effect her energy levels and health abilities.  She is very concious of how she is perceived by others and is a very fashionable, and stylish women who takes care with her appearance.  Now after years and years of her fight with food, she has decided to honour who she is, and not punish herself anymore by believing that she has to be a certain size in order to love herself. 

I think of myself in that situation and I can't imagine how much courage and self-determination it must take to look in the mirror and see a round, puffy face, and say, "I love and accept myself." 

To not be able to find the style of clothes that I'd like to wear in my size.

To feel self-concious bumping into people I haven't seen for years.

Todays blog is in honour of an incredible woman who inspires me to no end, for her strength and courage in her quest for food freedom and her amazing ability to put her focus on loving herself.

Mum, I am so proud of you and you inspire me to be a better woman everyday. I love you!

POST 3

I've woken up this morning feeling really strong and happy, despite having eaten an entire large cheese pizza last night.  I was super hungry and enjoyed every bite!

Normally after doing such a 'naughty' thing, I would be stressing out today, trying to figure out how not to eat many calories, or fit time in for a major fat burning excersize session.

I would feel that I've really put my body over the edge with all the grease and dairy and bread, oh my!   But lately, I've been studying anatomy and physiology of the human body and I am really finding a true amazement in what our bodies do for us.  That's not to say that I think it would be a healthy thing to eat a large pizza everyday, but as a 'sometime food', I think its pretty awesome.

So today, in respect for my journey with food freedom, I am savouring a day of being present in my body, feeling sexy as I am, and eating what I feel like, when I feel like.

How am I going to accomplish this, you ask, when for 25 years now, I have been terrified of food and my relationship to it?

I am taking one step at a time.

I am really listening to my thoughts, and recognizing that my food freedom starts in my head and my emotions.

I am realizing that my thoughts effect how I feel and how I feel effects my body and really, my life.
So all I'm doing at this stage is, making sure my thoughts about food and my bodies relationship to it, are positive ones.

I've been saying:
"I am sexy and loveable just as I am now."
"It is safe to trust my bodies wisdom."
"It is safe to enjoy food freedom."
"It is safe to eat what I want, when I want."

This last one is not my original thought but the one that has given me the most permission to enjoy and trust in food freedom.

Back in the 90's, my mum was reading this really great book by Geneen Roth, called "Feeding the Hungry Heart."  I remember reading her words, about "eating what you want, when you want it" and that terrified and made me sad all at the same time.

I remember thinking that she was right. In fact, feeling deep inside me, that she had just given me the key to setting myself free from a fear of food, and fear of my bodies use of food.

But her words made me so sad as well, because I felt even then, how unbalanced and tired my fear of food was making me.

And terrified, because I couldn't conceive of ever being strong enough to give up my fear and look it in the face long enough to try eating what I want, when I want.

It made me really sad, feeling that there was this opportunity to change how I was living and experiencing such a large part of my life, and yet...there was NO WAY I was going to try it!  I was just too scared of what would happen if I let go of the control I had over myself and food. The outcome was just too scary for me. 

I had too much invested in my idea that if I had a slim, hot body, my life would be awesome. I guess there was just too much at stake for me to change my behaviors of restricted food menus and excessive excersizing.

Nowadays, I feel more able to believe that its not the food I eat or the size of my body that is the issue, its the fear I have that is what I need to focus on.

POST 2

I've woken up today feeling really positive about this experience.

I feel vulnerable to be putting my inner most thoughts and fears about food and my response to it, out there for all to see.

But I feel a sense of  excitement too.  I'm excited to think that this may be the beginning of a new way of life for me. And I love giving this fear a voice, because I know so many of us share it.

As I've said already, I am totally exhausted with all the worrying I've been doing for years now, about food.  I've worried that if I eat too much,  or too often, I will be out of control and will never stop eating.  I'll lose my job, and my boyfriend will move out and onto another female that isn't so 'weak'.

I've always felt weak in my relationship to food.  Weak because I've been terrified of it, and what it will do to me if I'm not careful.  It will slowly expand me, so that my favorite skinny jeans no longer fit.  Food will give me a pot belly that I can't suck in nor hide from the masses.  Food will attack me if I ever take my eyes off it, or let my guard down for an instant. It will attack my thighs, and my butt cheeks, implanting itself on my body in the form of fat, for all to see...

As I've said before, when I write of my fears of physical expansion or going up sizes in my clothes, it is strictly evidence of my own LACK of self esteem, and believing that I am fabulous at any shape or size.

I would hate for someone to read this, and think that I am disgusted by people who aren't fit and toned...on the contrary, I love a woman who loves herself, whether she is a size 2 like a girlfriend of mine, Maryanne, who never even thinks about what she eats, she just eats what she feels like. She is very happy in her skin and that is her true beauty.

I am also enamored of a girlfriend of mine, Alarna, at about a size 14, she is the sexiest woman I know! She's sexy because she knows she is and that's what i'm talkin' about!!!

When I refer to having fat on my body or being a bigger size than I'd like, I am talking about my own fears of imperfection, not putting down anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest and put it out there, that we are all exhausted about trying to manage our lives, via our mouths and what we put in it.  Granted there are those amazing women who don't play that game, but they are a minority. I would love to get us all there, one woman at a time!

As my sister in law says, "women have for too long now, been focused on shrinking themselves down."

Thats not my goal anymore!!

My goal is to let the reins go...let my idea of having to control what I eat in order to live a great life.

Let the idea go that if I was 10 pounds lighter, my life would be better because....

Cause guess what? I've been a 'perfect' size 8 and I still believed that I had to diet or excersize more to maintain it, and I still felt insecure about my body, and fearful of the food I was putting in it.

Is that crazy or what?

So I'm taking back my power by believing in food freedom, that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want  and allow my bodies natural intuition to kick in.

I'm not going to act on fear and make myself run after a big meal.
Instead, I'm going to focus only on activities that bring me joy. Like bellydancing, and yoga.

(Note to readers, I'm sure that for alot of you, jogging and different sports bring you joy at this time. I'm only refering to what my body wants to do and my own personal motivation for exersizing. For example, I often make myself jog because of a fear of the food I ate and what it will do to me, as opposed to doing what I really wanted to do...which was maybe go to bed, or have a lay on the beach, doing some easy stretches.
My point is that I wasn't into jogging and was doing it out of a fear of food. I think that for many people, jogging brings such joy and empowerment and freedom, so go you!)

I'm not going to judge myself because most of my clothes are too darn tight and won't fit.
Instead, I'm focusing on reminding myself that my body has the freedom to move into different shapes if it feels the need and as my sacred vessel, I will accomodate its fluctuation with trust and humour. And buy a larger size of hot new clothes if needed!!!

POST 1

well so far, this day feels like any other...

I woke up and gently squeezed my right inner thigh with my left hand. Something I do every morning, to see  how much fat is there. It's the first thing I do, before my eyes are open or I'm even totally concious.

I say this to point out my preoccupation with my weight, and hence food. Because for me, one is the key to the others door...

When I refer to feeling fat, or having fat on me, it is with no insult intended. I use these terms strictly for descriptive purpose.  When I refer to feeling fat, it is to bring attention to my own insecurities...I am trying to address my own non-acceptance of my beautiful body, at any shape or size, short, tall, fat, or thin.  And in doing so, I hope to offer hope for others who are trying to do the same.

So this is my goal at present:

To eat what I want, when I want.
To remind myself that it is safe to eat.
To trust that my body knows what to do with the food that I consume.
To trust in this process.

Day One of my Free from Food Fear:

Well, here goes nothing...

I have been motivated by a fear of food for too long now! I am thirty-five next month and I am still absolutely terrified that if I don't excersize daily, or only eat certain foods, my body will be "out of control" and I will grow and grow and grow.

My constant focus and worries about food and what, how and when I consume it are so totally and completely exhausting!!!

I've decided to give it all up, the fear of food that is.  Hence, I have decided to stop dieting and over excersizing!

I 've decided to face my fears and do what I have been so terrified of :

 I'm going to stop feeling helpless and afraid of my relationship with food, and in turn, my body.

I've decided to embrace a trust in myself and my body, believing that it is safe to trust.

I am just writing the words at this time, and don't really feel confident or courageous in regards to this endevour....all I feel is the same old fear I recognize I've held since about 12 years old, when I started to think that my body was something that I had to be afraid of and control. And the key to that fear lay in my relationship with food.

Ive always been aware of what I eat, going from one extreme to another, whether it be super healthy eating, fasting, dieting, or bingeing.

But this fear of food has really run its toll.  I really don't want to do it anymore and I figure that the alternative is worth a shot. Afterall, I feel crappy being this scared all the time about food.  I need a break.

So I'm writing this blog to record my feelings on this journey, I figure it will help me stay motivated.