Yesterday's post was about remembering my childhood relationship with food. I started at a young age, sneaking and stealing food, usually sugar of some sort. I would binge on sugary foods, till I felt sick and could eat no more. I used this bingeing to distance myself from feelings of sadness and fear. But this overeating , even from such a young age, made me feel helpless and hopeless and afraid of food and what it can do to my body.
So today's blog is dedicated to creating a new relationship with food. A relationship based on trust and a belief that I can eat what I want, when I want. I no longer need to use food to mask my emotions. I now feel safe feeling my emotions. I no longer need to use food to comfort me, as I find healthy ways to comfort myself.
I hope to raise my own children (when I have them) in such a way, that they feel comfortable eating what they want, when they want. I believe that this attitude is the key for finding a healthy balance of eating and puts the belief of power back into oneself.
It is empowering to trust in your bodies innate wisdom. It is empowering to feel that you may eat what you want, when you want, without being terrified that you will be harming yourself in some way.
I have always feared that if I eat what I want when I want it, I will eat terribly unhealthy food and copious amounts of it, doing myself harm. I now am seeing past this fear, and recognizing that fear is all that was!
I look forward to finding the balance and providing a healthy example for others, especially children. I look forward to raising children who believe that their relationship with food is healthy, and providing them with the tools to honour and trust their bodies.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
POST 13
When I was a little girl, I started stealing 1 kilo bags of brown sugar from my mums pantry, which I would eat with a spoon, while hiding under my bed.
Sometimes I would hide the bag of sugar in the closet in a spare room, and sneak mouthfulls throughout the day.
The sneaking of sugar became something that distacted me and gave me little comforts throughout the day. I would be playing outside on the swingset and then find myself thinking about my secret bag of sugar. It made me feel good to know that I had something I could depend on. Something that was sweet and good.
I would hide, and take mouthfull after mouthfull of brown sugar. It stopped tasting very good after the first few spoonfulls, but I really liked how the repetition of eating gave me something to focus on and numbed my feelings.
This secret binging became a distraction for me. I would be able to distance myself from all my bad feelings...feeling scared, and hurt and alone, and even feeling like a really bad person...these emotions could all be blocked out by eating copious amounts of sugar.
But the flipside to this experience was that I felt awful sneaking and stealing the sugar and I felt sick as well from eating so much junk. Especially when I wasnt even hungry.
I remember being in grade 2 or 3 and discovering a freezer full of sweet treats like nanaimo bars, peppermint and chocolate squares, peanut and marshmellow squares and brownies. There were many boxes full of these sugary eats, and they were as I said, all frozen.
I still recall clear as day, how I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be eating these desserts, as they were for a school event of some sort. But the familiar feelings of hiding and sneaking and stealing overcame me and I gave myself permission to try 'just a couple' of the desserts.
At first bite, despite being frozen, they were pretty good. I dropped the freezer lid, and left the room. But I couldn't stop thinking about the treats. The idea of eating them began to consume me. It distracted me from anything else I was doing. I had to go back for more!
So I snuck back into the freezer room, and ate a few more. Then I started really focusing on the eating, and I ate almost an entire box in one go. I ate till I was so sick that I couldn't stand another bite.
All that afternoon, I felt like a had a bad secret. I felt like a bad person because I had stolen all that food that was meant for someone else. I knew my mum was going to be angry and think bad of me for what I had done. I was terrified that any minute I was going to be found out.
But at the same time, I somehow welcomed the distraction, knowing that I had a secret stash of goodies that I could gobble down, at any given moment. That made me feel comforted somehow.
Throughout the next few days, I contiued to revisit the freezer and in no time at all, I had consumed the entire freezer full of desserts. I had never felt more sick, nor more disgust with myself for doing such a bad thing. I felt helpless and hopeless and out of control.
So as you can see, my relationship with food has been a mixed bag of lollies, right from the start!
I have allowed so many of my negative emotions about myself be triggered by how I and what I eat, from a very young age. I have also used food as a comfort and as a distraction from my emotions.
So today is dedicated to the child I was, who did the best she could at the time! I now give myself permission to release her old habits and replace them with newfound Food Freedom, and a love and respect for myself and my body. I now embrace a healthy relationship with food, and I enjoy eating what I want, when I want.
Sometimes I would hide the bag of sugar in the closet in a spare room, and sneak mouthfulls throughout the day.
The sneaking of sugar became something that distacted me and gave me little comforts throughout the day. I would be playing outside on the swingset and then find myself thinking about my secret bag of sugar. It made me feel good to know that I had something I could depend on. Something that was sweet and good.
I would hide, and take mouthfull after mouthfull of brown sugar. It stopped tasting very good after the first few spoonfulls, but I really liked how the repetition of eating gave me something to focus on and numbed my feelings.
This secret binging became a distraction for me. I would be able to distance myself from all my bad feelings...feeling scared, and hurt and alone, and even feeling like a really bad person...these emotions could all be blocked out by eating copious amounts of sugar.
But the flipside to this experience was that I felt awful sneaking and stealing the sugar and I felt sick as well from eating so much junk. Especially when I wasnt even hungry.
I remember being in grade 2 or 3 and discovering a freezer full of sweet treats like nanaimo bars, peppermint and chocolate squares, peanut and marshmellow squares and brownies. There were many boxes full of these sugary eats, and they were as I said, all frozen.
I still recall clear as day, how I knew on some level that I wasn't supposed to be eating these desserts, as they were for a school event of some sort. But the familiar feelings of hiding and sneaking and stealing overcame me and I gave myself permission to try 'just a couple' of the desserts.
At first bite, despite being frozen, they were pretty good. I dropped the freezer lid, and left the room. But I couldn't stop thinking about the treats. The idea of eating them began to consume me. It distracted me from anything else I was doing. I had to go back for more!
So I snuck back into the freezer room, and ate a few more. Then I started really focusing on the eating, and I ate almost an entire box in one go. I ate till I was so sick that I couldn't stand another bite.
All that afternoon, I felt like a had a bad secret. I felt like a bad person because I had stolen all that food that was meant for someone else. I knew my mum was going to be angry and think bad of me for what I had done. I was terrified that any minute I was going to be found out.
But at the same time, I somehow welcomed the distraction, knowing that I had a secret stash of goodies that I could gobble down, at any given moment. That made me feel comforted somehow.
Throughout the next few days, I contiued to revisit the freezer and in no time at all, I had consumed the entire freezer full of desserts. I had never felt more sick, nor more disgust with myself for doing such a bad thing. I felt helpless and hopeless and out of control.
So as you can see, my relationship with food has been a mixed bag of lollies, right from the start!
I have allowed so many of my negative emotions about myself be triggered by how I and what I eat, from a very young age. I have also used food as a comfort and as a distraction from my emotions.
So today is dedicated to the child I was, who did the best she could at the time! I now give myself permission to release her old habits and replace them with newfound Food Freedom, and a love and respect for myself and my body. I now embrace a healthy relationship with food, and I enjoy eating what I want, when I want.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
POST 12
Today, on day 12 of my journey from a fear of food and what it can do to my figure, I am once again focusing on food freedom.
I am yet again, reminding myself that it is ok to eat what I want, when I want. That my body, in its innate wisdom, will steer me towards what it needs. I just need to trust in the process of choosing to give my body back her power. Instead of putting my power in external factors like calorie counting, dieting and over excersizing in relation to fear.
I feel scared today. And sad that my thighs are rubbing, that my tummy sticks out and that so many of my gorgeous clothes aren't fitting.
I felt really tempted today, to make a drastic change. I thought about restricting my food intake and envisioned long runs on the beach as my solution to feeling better about myself.
Instead, here I am writing this blog. Yet again, having spent another day eating what I wanted when I wanted it.
I think I can say that I'm proud of myself for facing my fear and not backing down.
I don't know much, but one of my experiences has been that when I face the very thing I am afraid of, I always come out ontop. I always learn something new about myself and I always feel that I've grown somehow from the experience.
So here's to another day of not having all the answers, and feeling fear but facing it head on as opposed to turning away and falling into old, familiar and comfortable habits that have a proven track record of failing me in the end anyway(such as my dieting and over excersizing.)
Please wish me luck and send me some lovin'!
I am yet again, reminding myself that it is ok to eat what I want, when I want. That my body, in its innate wisdom, will steer me towards what it needs. I just need to trust in the process of choosing to give my body back her power. Instead of putting my power in external factors like calorie counting, dieting and over excersizing in relation to fear.
I feel scared today. And sad that my thighs are rubbing, that my tummy sticks out and that so many of my gorgeous clothes aren't fitting.
I felt really tempted today, to make a drastic change. I thought about restricting my food intake and envisioned long runs on the beach as my solution to feeling better about myself.
Instead, here I am writing this blog. Yet again, having spent another day eating what I wanted when I wanted it.
I think I can say that I'm proud of myself for facing my fear and not backing down.
I don't know much, but one of my experiences has been that when I face the very thing I am afraid of, I always come out ontop. I always learn something new about myself and I always feel that I've grown somehow from the experience.
So here's to another day of not having all the answers, and feeling fear but facing it head on as opposed to turning away and falling into old, familiar and comfortable habits that have a proven track record of failing me in the end anyway(such as my dieting and over excersizing.)
Please wish me luck and send me some lovin'!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
POST 11
My journey to food freedom, and away from a fear of food, has been stimulated and inspired by so many people I've met and experiences I've had.
For the last year, I have been spending a few hours a week selling clothing to women and girls in a fashion boutique.
It has been a major eye opener, to bear witness to all the unique individuals who have come into the shop, and hear from them, how they feel about their bodies.
A remarkable moment came for me, when a woman of about 40 came in to buy a dress for a wedding. She was an extra small and most of our dresses were much too big for her. But I gave her a little black number that I thought would hug her small frame and look fabulous. And it did! But she didnt think so. All she was able to focus on was that her butt was too big!
It was at that very moment that I had an epiphany:
If this gorgous woman who is tall, and long and lean and much more toned and fit than I, can't see her own beauty, then what hope to I have?
It was like someone held a mirror up to me and showed me how my current state of mind was no different from this womans. My own ideals about needing to be as close to 'perfect' as possible in order to feel happy with myself were certainly reflected back to me when I served this woman.
About 98% off all women I serve, from 15 years of age, to 80, really talk about what they don't like about there bodies. I started noticing that not many people come in and obviously are loving themselves and how they look.
In my own life, how I feel about how I look, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. Our appearances are most certainly extensions of how we see ourselves and percieve ourselves in the world.
If I am trying on clothes, or in recent days, a bikini, and all I can see are my 'flaws' like cellulite, veins and skin rolls, instead of drawing my attention to how healthy I look and how sexy my ample boosoms are, then I don't think I'm feeling much love for myself. And I want to feel love for me!
So todays blog is dedicated to my customers in awe and respect of their own journeys with self acceptance and love! For me, I have discovered that self-acceptance starts with allowing myself to eat what I want when I want, and to accept how I look and feel, with joy and love. Not an easy task, but one worth its 'weight' in gold!
I send love to all the women in my life, who remind me everyday, how important it is to love ourselves first and foremost. By bearing witness to such beautiful and captivating women who stuggle with their own feelings of self love, it allows me to feel that I am not alone.
When I see women who are so beautiful and sexy and vibrant, and I hear them worry about if their butt is too big or tummy too rounded, and all I can see is how amazing they look, I realize that we are all in this together!
I feel honoured to be a woman today!
For the last year, I have been spending a few hours a week selling clothing to women and girls in a fashion boutique.
It has been a major eye opener, to bear witness to all the unique individuals who have come into the shop, and hear from them, how they feel about their bodies.
A remarkable moment came for me, when a woman of about 40 came in to buy a dress for a wedding. She was an extra small and most of our dresses were much too big for her. But I gave her a little black number that I thought would hug her small frame and look fabulous. And it did! But she didnt think so. All she was able to focus on was that her butt was too big!
It was at that very moment that I had an epiphany:
If this gorgous woman who is tall, and long and lean and much more toned and fit than I, can't see her own beauty, then what hope to I have?
It was like someone held a mirror up to me and showed me how my current state of mind was no different from this womans. My own ideals about needing to be as close to 'perfect' as possible in order to feel happy with myself were certainly reflected back to me when I served this woman.
About 98% off all women I serve, from 15 years of age, to 80, really talk about what they don't like about there bodies. I started noticing that not many people come in and obviously are loving themselves and how they look.
In my own life, how I feel about how I look, is a reflection of how I feel about myself. Our appearances are most certainly extensions of how we see ourselves and percieve ourselves in the world.
If I am trying on clothes, or in recent days, a bikini, and all I can see are my 'flaws' like cellulite, veins and skin rolls, instead of drawing my attention to how healthy I look and how sexy my ample boosoms are, then I don't think I'm feeling much love for myself. And I want to feel love for me!
So todays blog is dedicated to my customers in awe and respect of their own journeys with self acceptance and love! For me, I have discovered that self-acceptance starts with allowing myself to eat what I want when I want, and to accept how I look and feel, with joy and love. Not an easy task, but one worth its 'weight' in gold!
I send love to all the women in my life, who remind me everyday, how important it is to love ourselves first and foremost. By bearing witness to such beautiful and captivating women who stuggle with their own feelings of self love, it allows me to feel that I am not alone.
When I see women who are so beautiful and sexy and vibrant, and I hear them worry about if their butt is too big or tummy too rounded, and all I can see is how amazing they look, I realize that we are all in this together!
I feel honoured to be a woman today!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
POST 10
Wow, I'm now into the double digits of my Food Freedom journey!!!
I don't feel heaps different, apart from sudden moments of indescribable peace and joy for my body and my life. I feel relief that I am feeling ok with my body and my relationship to food...
Unfortuneatly, these moments are still fleeting and peppered with moments of total fear and helplessness.
Bikini season is fast arriving and I'm feeling really contrasting emotions when I look in the mirror. The majority of feelings are of joy and love for my sensual, womanly, healthy body.
But then a little voice in my head says, "Are you crazy? Look at the size of your butt! And all that cellulite! C'mon, you can not seriously accept the shape you are in with joy and love, you're totally flawed right now!"
But the weird thing is, I do love myself, even when having to reveal my 'imperfect' body in public. I do feel sexy and glamourous and beautifully vibrant!
I'm still eating what I want, when I want, despite not being able to hide how my body is looking right now. How's that for courage?
Today, I'm applauding myself and all us women out there, who choose to decide for THEMSELVES how to love and accept their total selves, flaws and all!!!
I'm applauding all women for being such beautifull and glorious demonstrations of what it is to be a woman!!
I feel that if I can continue to take the time to celebrate my Goddess within, just as I am today, than I am paving the way for others to do the same.
Lets take our power back from the media and break the rules...love yourself today: the fat, the cellulite, the wrinkles, the grey hair, the veins, and as much of the entire package as you can!
No ones perfect so lets celebrate our health and laugh at the bits that make us feel less than...like hair on my nipples! Yes my nipples...If I can look down at the black hair on all the bits of my body, like my toes and nipples, chin and stomach( just to name a few...the list is much larger, trust me) and not let it make me feel like I'm unworthy of love, then so can you! I think its really about attitude and how you view yourself, flaws and all. I may not enjoy having all this hair and cellulite, but I'm not allowing it to make me feel helpless, hopeless or unlovable either!
I think for me anyway, this journey of living in Food Freedom, is a gateway to transforming my attitude towards not just my body, but all of me!!!
I've always used food and my fear of it, as a way to keep me in check and my body under control!
But by focusing on eating what I want, when I want, I am opening up a whole new universe, and learning secrets to loving myself!
One question I am asking myself is:
Where does the balance lie, between accepting myself as I am, and making changes to feel better?
Answer pending...
I don't feel heaps different, apart from sudden moments of indescribable peace and joy for my body and my life. I feel relief that I am feeling ok with my body and my relationship to food...
Unfortuneatly, these moments are still fleeting and peppered with moments of total fear and helplessness.
Bikini season is fast arriving and I'm feeling really contrasting emotions when I look in the mirror. The majority of feelings are of joy and love for my sensual, womanly, healthy body.
But then a little voice in my head says, "Are you crazy? Look at the size of your butt! And all that cellulite! C'mon, you can not seriously accept the shape you are in with joy and love, you're totally flawed right now!"
But the weird thing is, I do love myself, even when having to reveal my 'imperfect' body in public. I do feel sexy and glamourous and beautifully vibrant!
I'm still eating what I want, when I want, despite not being able to hide how my body is looking right now. How's that for courage?
Today, I'm applauding myself and all us women out there, who choose to decide for THEMSELVES how to love and accept their total selves, flaws and all!!!
I'm applauding all women for being such beautifull and glorious demonstrations of what it is to be a woman!!
I feel that if I can continue to take the time to celebrate my Goddess within, just as I am today, than I am paving the way for others to do the same.
Lets take our power back from the media and break the rules...love yourself today: the fat, the cellulite, the wrinkles, the grey hair, the veins, and as much of the entire package as you can!
No ones perfect so lets celebrate our health and laugh at the bits that make us feel less than...like hair on my nipples! Yes my nipples...If I can look down at the black hair on all the bits of my body, like my toes and nipples, chin and stomach( just to name a few...the list is much larger, trust me) and not let it make me feel like I'm unworthy of love, then so can you! I think its really about attitude and how you view yourself, flaws and all. I may not enjoy having all this hair and cellulite, but I'm not allowing it to make me feel helpless, hopeless or unlovable either!
I think for me anyway, this journey of living in Food Freedom, is a gateway to transforming my attitude towards not just my body, but all of me!!!
I've always used food and my fear of it, as a way to keep me in check and my body under control!
But by focusing on eating what I want, when I want, I am opening up a whole new universe, and learning secrets to loving myself!
One question I am asking myself is:
Where does the balance lie, between accepting myself as I am, and making changes to feel better?
Answer pending...
Friday, September 24, 2010
POST 9
I woke up unsure about what to write about today.
I'm feeling quite steady emotionally on this food freedom quest of mine, to eat what I want, when I want with joy and ease. As opposed to fear and exhaustion. No more having to try to squeeze in a run after a long day, not because I want to but because I feel I have to, to stay slim. No more being terrified of what I'm putting in my mouth, and how it will effect my figure.
I keep thinking about how amazing this body is of mine, anatomically speaking. It really has an ancient wisdom, to keep me fit, vibrant, energized, mobile,strong and healthy. I think my feelings and emotions around food, and being afraid of it and what it can do to my body, only impedes my sense of well being and happiness.
I think my body, in its inate wisdom, can handle procesing the food I eat, without me having to panic. I'm pretty sure that my body is awesome and that I just need to let it do its thing, without trying to force it to do things that it doesn't really want to do.
And one of the things I find I've been FORCING myself to do is run.
I figure that differs for everyone...some of us need to, and get alot of goodness from running, for example.
After a long stint with drug abuse, on my step towards recovery, I felt overcome by the need to, among other things, run. And boy, what a differernce that made for me. Running put me back into my body and brought me back to a place of health and appreciation for it.
But nowadays, running is no longer a safe harbour for me, but has become something that my body doesn't want to do right now. Running became something that I had to do to feel ok about myself. It became something I made myself do in response to my fear of food and what it can do to my body.
Right now, all my body craves is lazy afternoons in the sun, yoga, bellydancing. No running and no gym. It just doens't wanna!
So today is dedicated to honouring my body and those fabulous experiences that it craves!
Hooray for yoga, hooray for bellydancing, and hooray for mrs.sunshine!!!!
I give thanks and apprecation for these things being in my life!
I'm feeling quite steady emotionally on this food freedom quest of mine, to eat what I want, when I want with joy and ease. As opposed to fear and exhaustion. No more having to try to squeeze in a run after a long day, not because I want to but because I feel I have to, to stay slim. No more being terrified of what I'm putting in my mouth, and how it will effect my figure.
I keep thinking about how amazing this body is of mine, anatomically speaking. It really has an ancient wisdom, to keep me fit, vibrant, energized, mobile,strong and healthy. I think my feelings and emotions around food, and being afraid of it and what it can do to my body, only impedes my sense of well being and happiness.
I think my body, in its inate wisdom, can handle procesing the food I eat, without me having to panic. I'm pretty sure that my body is awesome and that I just need to let it do its thing, without trying to force it to do things that it doesn't really want to do.
And one of the things I find I've been FORCING myself to do is run.
I figure that differs for everyone...some of us need to, and get alot of goodness from running, for example.
After a long stint with drug abuse, on my step towards recovery, I felt overcome by the need to, among other things, run. And boy, what a differernce that made for me. Running put me back into my body and brought me back to a place of health and appreciation for it.
But nowadays, running is no longer a safe harbour for me, but has become something that my body doesn't want to do right now. Running became something that I had to do to feel ok about myself. It became something I made myself do in response to my fear of food and what it can do to my body.
Right now, all my body craves is lazy afternoons in the sun, yoga, bellydancing. No running and no gym. It just doens't wanna!
So today is dedicated to honouring my body and those fabulous experiences that it craves!
Hooray for yoga, hooray for bellydancing, and hooray for mrs.sunshine!!!!
I give thanks and apprecation for these things being in my life!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
POST 8
Today I woke up thinking about these two beautiful young girls I saw at the beach last week.
They were probably about 8 years old, and were running around the sand in their bikinis, playing ball games with eachother and some friends.
They were so cute! They had hot pink bikinis on and wore matching hot pink headbands. But what I really loved about them was the vivacious way they ran around with no concern for how they looked. They were too busy having fun!
They appeared so EFFORTLESSLY confident and content in their bodies. I remember feeling that way myself, but it seems like a long time ago. Although many times over the years, I have experienced moments of joy and appreciation for my body, it has always been AFTER alot of effort was invested in either excersize or a strict eating plan. It's been a long time since I've been content with my body in an effortless way.
I became self concious about my own body at about 10 or 11 years old. I remember worrying about what clothes I wore and if people would think I looked good or not. I worried that my butt was too big and that my legs were too short. I don't recall thinking to myself how lucky I was to have such a healthy body, as I do now. I just remember feeling really self concious and aware of what others may or may not think about what I wore and how I wore it.
Fashion was really important to me, even then. I had moments of fun where I put together an outfit that I thought was cool, so I felt cool. But I spent hours and hours trying different outfits on to make sure I got it right. But again, I felt alot of stress about whether or not people would think I looked good.
So today, I am dedicating my blog to those two beautiful beach girls! May we all experience such confidence and joy with our bodies! And may our joy be effortless!!!
Hip Hip Hooray!!! I feel beautiful today!!!
They were probably about 8 years old, and were running around the sand in their bikinis, playing ball games with eachother and some friends.
They were so cute! They had hot pink bikinis on and wore matching hot pink headbands. But what I really loved about them was the vivacious way they ran around with no concern for how they looked. They were too busy having fun!
They appeared so EFFORTLESSLY confident and content in their bodies. I remember feeling that way myself, but it seems like a long time ago. Although many times over the years, I have experienced moments of joy and appreciation for my body, it has always been AFTER alot of effort was invested in either excersize or a strict eating plan. It's been a long time since I've been content with my body in an effortless way.
I became self concious about my own body at about 10 or 11 years old. I remember worrying about what clothes I wore and if people would think I looked good or not. I worried that my butt was too big and that my legs were too short. I don't recall thinking to myself how lucky I was to have such a healthy body, as I do now. I just remember feeling really self concious and aware of what others may or may not think about what I wore and how I wore it.
Fashion was really important to me, even then. I had moments of fun where I put together an outfit that I thought was cool, so I felt cool. But I spent hours and hours trying different outfits on to make sure I got it right. But again, I felt alot of stress about whether or not people would think I looked good.
So today, I am dedicating my blog to those two beautiful beach girls! May we all experience such confidence and joy with our bodies! And may our joy be effortless!!!
Hip Hip Hooray!!! I feel beautiful today!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
POST 7
A funny thing has happened these last few days...
I have found that by letting go of the fear around food and its affects on my body, I have felt lighter and happier inside myself.
I have also found that mentally and emotionally, I have created space for my deeper fears to rise to the surface.
By not being busy or consumed by my daily worries and calculations of how much excersize I need in relation to how much food I've eaten, or what I shouldn't eat because I've eaten too much already, blah blah blah...
I have found that a connection to a deeper fear has risen.
I realized that when I eat, I try to eat and drink enough to make my belly really, really full. I also noticed that I eat even when I'm not hungry.
I asked myself why I would do this, because it is quite uncomfortable to have such a full belly. It puffs out and kinda hurts a wee bit too. And I do this everymeal of everyday.
When I took the time to ponder, I felt a connection to my mother and then to her mother. My gramma Hoogenboom was in the Netherlands during the second world war. She went for years without enough food to eat. I believe that energetically and emotionally, we pass down these effects from trauma to our family members, be it via behaviours and or actions we do.
I realize that when I get the chance to eat, I go nuts because I'm afraid of when I will get to eat again.
Having a full belly gives me a certain comfort...but the emotion it is comforting is one of fear.
I relate a full belly to safety and comfort. Whenever I travel, as my companions can atest, I must eat all the time, snacking to keep my belly full, and my emotions at bay.
One time, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico. We took a day trip out to a town and were planning to stay the night. I had never been there before. As it turns out, we had not taken enough money to afford food, apart from a can of coke and a bag of chips. We did stay the night and it was the longest night of my life!!!
I freaked out! I felt so scared that I didnt have enough to fill my belly. I felt so vulnerable and helpless, like a little girl. I ended up with a migraine and went to bed to sleep away my pain and fear. Not fun...but I really learned alot about myself that night.
I'm afraid to feel my hungry belly.
My full belly is comfort.
My full belly is security.
My full belly is safety.
My full belly is distraction.
My empty belly is terrifying.
My empty belly makes me scared of the unknown.(what if I dont get to eat soon?)
I feel weak and scared when I'm hungry.
I eat when I'm full which makes me feel helpless and weak because I can't stop.
I eat to distract and comfort myself, and to give my INTERNAL feelings of being weak and helpless, an EXTERNAL motivation..."You are so weak for eating this second sandwhich when you are already stuffed as it is"...I feel weak inside and helpless when I'm not intouch with my inner self. Eating too much is just a cause and effect to this helplessness.
When I overeat I feel angry at myself because it hurts my tummy and its wasteful. And I'm sad because I'm not enjoying myself or the food I'm eating. It feels like an empty habit. I feel like a robot when I eat when I'm already full.
Wow, and this has all come out of deciding to eat what I want, when I want...crazy!
Lets see what insight tomorrow brings!
I have found that by letting go of the fear around food and its affects on my body, I have felt lighter and happier inside myself.
I have also found that mentally and emotionally, I have created space for my deeper fears to rise to the surface.
By not being busy or consumed by my daily worries and calculations of how much excersize I need in relation to how much food I've eaten, or what I shouldn't eat because I've eaten too much already, blah blah blah...
I have found that a connection to a deeper fear has risen.
I realized that when I eat, I try to eat and drink enough to make my belly really, really full. I also noticed that I eat even when I'm not hungry.
I asked myself why I would do this, because it is quite uncomfortable to have such a full belly. It puffs out and kinda hurts a wee bit too. And I do this everymeal of everyday.
When I took the time to ponder, I felt a connection to my mother and then to her mother. My gramma Hoogenboom was in the Netherlands during the second world war. She went for years without enough food to eat. I believe that energetically and emotionally, we pass down these effects from trauma to our family members, be it via behaviours and or actions we do.
I realize that when I get the chance to eat, I go nuts because I'm afraid of when I will get to eat again.
Having a full belly gives me a certain comfort...but the emotion it is comforting is one of fear.
I relate a full belly to safety and comfort. Whenever I travel, as my companions can atest, I must eat all the time, snacking to keep my belly full, and my emotions at bay.
One time, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico. We took a day trip out to a town and were planning to stay the night. I had never been there before. As it turns out, we had not taken enough money to afford food, apart from a can of coke and a bag of chips. We did stay the night and it was the longest night of my life!!!
I freaked out! I felt so scared that I didnt have enough to fill my belly. I felt so vulnerable and helpless, like a little girl. I ended up with a migraine and went to bed to sleep away my pain and fear. Not fun...but I really learned alot about myself that night.
I'm afraid to feel my hungry belly.
My full belly is comfort.
My full belly is security.
My full belly is safety.
My full belly is distraction.
My empty belly is terrifying.
My empty belly makes me scared of the unknown.(what if I dont get to eat soon?)
I feel weak and scared when I'm hungry.
I eat when I'm full which makes me feel helpless and weak because I can't stop.
I eat to distract and comfort myself, and to give my INTERNAL feelings of being weak and helpless, an EXTERNAL motivation..."You are so weak for eating this second sandwhich when you are already stuffed as it is"...I feel weak inside and helpless when I'm not intouch with my inner self. Eating too much is just a cause and effect to this helplessness.
When I overeat I feel angry at myself because it hurts my tummy and its wasteful. And I'm sad because I'm not enjoying myself or the food I'm eating. It feels like an empty habit. I feel like a robot when I eat when I'm already full.
Wow, and this has all come out of deciding to eat what I want, when I want...crazy!
Lets see what insight tomorrow brings!
POST 6
How is changing my fearful relationship to food, like trying to dump a crappy boyfriend?
You know its the best thing for you, but it can take hours or even years of contemplating to make the final decision and make a change. And even though he was no good for you and made you feel crappy about yourself, it was somehow comforting hanging around with him. Even though you know that you deserve better!
I've had both a crappy relationship with a man, and with food! I know what I'm talking about...
I had a boyfriend at one stage who got pissed off at me while we were driving somewhere. He was driving the car and pulled over and yelled at me to "get the beep out!" Did I mention that it was my car?
He did alot worse than that, let me tell you, and I stuck around for the punishment. He actually dumped me in the end after having sex with a girl we knew. I felt really crappy and helpless and hopeless around him. But yet, I was afraid of not having him in my life. Afraid I'd never find a guy that I liked as much as him. I know this reads like a badly written soap opera, but it's my truth. I was young and in hindsight, this ex of mine taught me alot about what not to look for in a partner so for that, I thank him.
Speaking in the neighbourhood of crappy relationships, my partnership with food has been just as bad. I've always been afraid of it, but didn't know if it could be any different. I've felt helpless and hopeless towards food, feeling as though I have no say in how it effects me and my body, and therefore my life.
I have felt like what I've wanted doesn't matter and that I was at the mercy of food and calories and all that fun stuff.
So I guess what I'm asking myself now is, why stay in this crappy relationship with food?
Why not change it?
So I am.
One day at a time, I am no longer telling myself that food is my enemy. When I have a scary thought, that I am out of control with eating or that I will never be a comfortable and healthy size that makes me happy, I just push that thought away and replace it with:
I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. It is safe to trust in food. It is safe to allow my body to do what it wants when it wants. My body is sacred and I honour it by allowing it to move where and how it wants.
You know its the best thing for you, but it can take hours or even years of contemplating to make the final decision and make a change. And even though he was no good for you and made you feel crappy about yourself, it was somehow comforting hanging around with him. Even though you know that you deserve better!
I've had both a crappy relationship with a man, and with food! I know what I'm talking about...
I had a boyfriend at one stage who got pissed off at me while we were driving somewhere. He was driving the car and pulled over and yelled at me to "get the beep out!" Did I mention that it was my car?
He did alot worse than that, let me tell you, and I stuck around for the punishment. He actually dumped me in the end after having sex with a girl we knew. I felt really crappy and helpless and hopeless around him. But yet, I was afraid of not having him in my life. Afraid I'd never find a guy that I liked as much as him. I know this reads like a badly written soap opera, but it's my truth. I was young and in hindsight, this ex of mine taught me alot about what not to look for in a partner so for that, I thank him.
Speaking in the neighbourhood of crappy relationships, my partnership with food has been just as bad. I've always been afraid of it, but didn't know if it could be any different. I've felt helpless and hopeless towards food, feeling as though I have no say in how it effects me and my body, and therefore my life.
I have felt like what I've wanted doesn't matter and that I was at the mercy of food and calories and all that fun stuff.
So I guess what I'm asking myself now is, why stay in this crappy relationship with food?
Why not change it?
So I am.
One day at a time, I am no longer telling myself that food is my enemy. When I have a scary thought, that I am out of control with eating or that I will never be a comfortable and healthy size that makes me happy, I just push that thought away and replace it with:
I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. It is safe to trust in food. It is safe to allow my body to do what it wants when it wants. My body is sacred and I honour it by allowing it to move where and how it wants.
POST 5
I was away for the weekend but diligently wrote out my post for the day...
Today I felt nothing but joy and relaxation as I ate whatever I felt like, without getting stressed.
I allowed myself to spend the day with friends relaxing and hanging out in the sunshine.
It wasn't until the evening, that I got out of the shower and caught sight of my naked, dimply thighs and butt in a mirror, that my emotions took a quick turn for the worst...
I was shocked at my reflection! What a shock to see my physical body in this current shape. It reminds me of the last time I "let myself go". I was working a full-time job in the corporate world and it took alot out of me. I rarely excersized, but I was always aware and worried about my diet and lifestyle and the effects I believed both would have on my figure.
How do I feel today, being the biggest I've been in about 5 years?
I feel scared and out of control! And perhaps crazy to let my body look like this,especially approaching summer, when I will be living in a bikini in public, at our local beaches.
Scared that my intention to face my fear of food and turn it into food freedom is a bad idea. Scared that this won't work, and I will forever be fighting for my figure and afraid of food. Scared that this experiment will end up making me feel worse than when I began and I will be back to the drawing board again, trying to find out how to keep my weight in check and my diet under control.
But thats what I've always done, and it clearly doesn't work...
I will get totally freaked out about my body getting flabbier and my clothes not fitting and then my fear will drive me to start excersizing like a mad woman. I will feel sad that I gave up but relieved when my boobs get smaller and my thighs stop rubbing together.
I will lose the weight and look better. But I won't feel any better. I will feel helpless that I have to go to so much effort and spend so much time excersizing when I don't feel like it.
And then I will grow physically tired and will take a break from my gym workouts or fitness training sessions, and take time out to sit on the couch and recover. And the weight I lost will come back.
I will be no better off then where I am today.
So, I'm sticking with this new outlook on food-food freedom. The freedom to eat what I want, when I want.
I'm choosing to relax and enjoy food freedom. To breaths, and relax into my body. to take time just to hang out with it, and get to know it. As opposed to rushing off to the gym for a session or to the beach for a run.
I give myself renewed courage, by reminding myself:
The sooner I face my fear of food, the sooner I reclaim my power.
Things always get worse before they get better, to test ones dedication to a committment. This will get easier.
Today I felt nothing but joy and relaxation as I ate whatever I felt like, without getting stressed.
I allowed myself to spend the day with friends relaxing and hanging out in the sunshine.
It wasn't until the evening, that I got out of the shower and caught sight of my naked, dimply thighs and butt in a mirror, that my emotions took a quick turn for the worst...
I was shocked at my reflection! What a shock to see my physical body in this current shape. It reminds me of the last time I "let myself go". I was working a full-time job in the corporate world and it took alot out of me. I rarely excersized, but I was always aware and worried about my diet and lifestyle and the effects I believed both would have on my figure.
How do I feel today, being the biggest I've been in about 5 years?
I feel scared and out of control! And perhaps crazy to let my body look like this,especially approaching summer, when I will be living in a bikini in public, at our local beaches.
Scared that my intention to face my fear of food and turn it into food freedom is a bad idea. Scared that this won't work, and I will forever be fighting for my figure and afraid of food. Scared that this experiment will end up making me feel worse than when I began and I will be back to the drawing board again, trying to find out how to keep my weight in check and my diet under control.
But thats what I've always done, and it clearly doesn't work...
I will get totally freaked out about my body getting flabbier and my clothes not fitting and then my fear will drive me to start excersizing like a mad woman. I will feel sad that I gave up but relieved when my boobs get smaller and my thighs stop rubbing together.
I will lose the weight and look better. But I won't feel any better. I will feel helpless that I have to go to so much effort and spend so much time excersizing when I don't feel like it.
And then I will grow physically tired and will take a break from my gym workouts or fitness training sessions, and take time out to sit on the couch and recover. And the weight I lost will come back.
I will be no better off then where I am today.
So, I'm sticking with this new outlook on food-food freedom. The freedom to eat what I want, when I want.
I'm choosing to relax and enjoy food freedom. To breaths, and relax into my body. to take time just to hang out with it, and get to know it. As opposed to rushing off to the gym for a session or to the beach for a run.
I give myself renewed courage, by reminding myself:
The sooner I face my fear of food, the sooner I reclaim my power.
Things always get worse before they get better, to test ones dedication to a committment. This will get easier.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
POST 4
My fourth day on this food freedom journey, and my intention today is to honour my mums own journey to food freedom...her's is a great one!
Since I can remember, my mother had been on a diet or at the very least, a quest to lose weight. And as the years passed, the amount that she felt she needed to lose increased, along with her weight.
For many years, I often felt that her feelings about her weight issues monopolized our conversations and were extremely repetative. When she spoke about how she was trying to lose the weight, or what she was or was not eating, it made me feel really, really tired. Maybe I was picking up her own feelings about being exhausted with the relationship she was having with food. I can't really speak about her own motivations or views towards food, but I know how I felt about her journey, and how it made me feel about mine.
Helpless to help her, and determined to not go down the same road. I saw how she struggled with food and her weight and it scared me. I didn't want to struggle with being overweight, so instead I tried anything to stay small. Little did I realize that whether you are big or small, if you are afraid of food and what it does to you, then you are on the same journey.
But things have taken a drastic change for my mumster...in the last few years she has taken a good hard look at her life, and decided that the focus she now wanted to place her attention on, was loving herself.
She had decided that for too long now, she had placed her attention, and daresay her power, to be happy on external factors, like her weight.
She vowed to stop focusing on losing the weight, to instead work at addressing core issues like self-acceptance and self appreciation.
Now think about this for just a moment please...my mum would classify herself as obese. Her current weight does effect her energy levels and health abilities. She is very concious of how she is perceived by others and is a very fashionable, and stylish women who takes care with her appearance. Now after years and years of her fight with food, she has decided to honour who she is, and not punish herself anymore by believing that she has to be a certain size in order to love herself.
I think of myself in that situation and I can't imagine how much courage and self-determination it must take to look in the mirror and see a round, puffy face, and say, "I love and accept myself."
To not be able to find the style of clothes that I'd like to wear in my size.
To feel self-concious bumping into people I haven't seen for years.
Todays blog is in honour of an incredible woman who inspires me to no end, for her strength and courage in her quest for food freedom and her amazing ability to put her focus on loving herself.
Mum, I am so proud of you and you inspire me to be a better woman everyday. I love you!
Since I can remember, my mother had been on a diet or at the very least, a quest to lose weight. And as the years passed, the amount that she felt she needed to lose increased, along with her weight.
For many years, I often felt that her feelings about her weight issues monopolized our conversations and were extremely repetative. When she spoke about how she was trying to lose the weight, or what she was or was not eating, it made me feel really, really tired. Maybe I was picking up her own feelings about being exhausted with the relationship she was having with food. I can't really speak about her own motivations or views towards food, but I know how I felt about her journey, and how it made me feel about mine.
Helpless to help her, and determined to not go down the same road. I saw how she struggled with food and her weight and it scared me. I didn't want to struggle with being overweight, so instead I tried anything to stay small. Little did I realize that whether you are big or small, if you are afraid of food and what it does to you, then you are on the same journey.
But things have taken a drastic change for my mumster...in the last few years she has taken a good hard look at her life, and decided that the focus she now wanted to place her attention on, was loving herself.
She had decided that for too long now, she had placed her attention, and daresay her power, to be happy on external factors, like her weight.
She vowed to stop focusing on losing the weight, to instead work at addressing core issues like self-acceptance and self appreciation.
Now think about this for just a moment please...my mum would classify herself as obese. Her current weight does effect her energy levels and health abilities. She is very concious of how she is perceived by others and is a very fashionable, and stylish women who takes care with her appearance. Now after years and years of her fight with food, she has decided to honour who she is, and not punish herself anymore by believing that she has to be a certain size in order to love herself.
I think of myself in that situation and I can't imagine how much courage and self-determination it must take to look in the mirror and see a round, puffy face, and say, "I love and accept myself."
To not be able to find the style of clothes that I'd like to wear in my size.
To feel self-concious bumping into people I haven't seen for years.
Todays blog is in honour of an incredible woman who inspires me to no end, for her strength and courage in her quest for food freedom and her amazing ability to put her focus on loving herself.
Mum, I am so proud of you and you inspire me to be a better woman everyday. I love you!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
POST 3
I've woken up this morning feeling really strong and happy, despite having eaten an entire large cheese pizza last night. I was super hungry and enjoyed every bite!
Normally after doing such a 'naughty' thing, I would be stressing out today, trying to figure out how not to eat many calories, or fit time in for a major fat burning excersize session.
I would feel that I've really put my body over the edge with all the grease and dairy and bread, oh my! But lately, I've been studying anatomy and physiology of the human body and I am really finding a true amazement in what our bodies do for us. That's not to say that I think it would be a healthy thing to eat a large pizza everyday, but as a 'sometime food', I think its pretty awesome.
So today, in respect for my journey with food freedom, I am savouring a day of being present in my body, feeling sexy as I am, and eating what I feel like, when I feel like.
How am I going to accomplish this, you ask, when for 25 years now, I have been terrified of food and my relationship to it?
I am taking one step at a time.
I am really listening to my thoughts, and recognizing that my food freedom starts in my head and my emotions.
I am realizing that my thoughts effect how I feel and how I feel effects my body and really, my life.
So all I'm doing at this stage is, making sure my thoughts about food and my bodies relationship to it, are positive ones.
I've been saying:
"I am sexy and loveable just as I am now."
"It is safe to trust my bodies wisdom."
"It is safe to enjoy food freedom."
"It is safe to eat what I want, when I want."
This last one is not my original thought but the one that has given me the most permission to enjoy and trust in food freedom.
Back in the 90's, my mum was reading this really great book by Geneen Roth, called "Feeding the Hungry Heart." I remember reading her words, about "eating what you want, when you want it" and that terrified and made me sad all at the same time.
I remember thinking that she was right. In fact, feeling deep inside me, that she had just given me the key to setting myself free from a fear of food, and fear of my bodies use of food.
But her words made me so sad as well, because I felt even then, how unbalanced and tired my fear of food was making me.
And terrified, because I couldn't conceive of ever being strong enough to give up my fear and look it in the face long enough to try eating what I want, when I want.
It made me really sad, feeling that there was this opportunity to change how I was living and experiencing such a large part of my life, and yet...there was NO WAY I was going to try it! I was just too scared of what would happen if I let go of the control I had over myself and food. The outcome was just too scary for me.
I had too much invested in my idea that if I had a slim, hot body, my life would be awesome. I guess there was just too much at stake for me to change my behaviors of restricted food menus and excessive excersizing.
Nowadays, I feel more able to believe that its not the food I eat or the size of my body that is the issue, its the fear I have that is what I need to focus on.
Normally after doing such a 'naughty' thing, I would be stressing out today, trying to figure out how not to eat many calories, or fit time in for a major fat burning excersize session.
I would feel that I've really put my body over the edge with all the grease and dairy and bread, oh my! But lately, I've been studying anatomy and physiology of the human body and I am really finding a true amazement in what our bodies do for us. That's not to say that I think it would be a healthy thing to eat a large pizza everyday, but as a 'sometime food', I think its pretty awesome.
So today, in respect for my journey with food freedom, I am savouring a day of being present in my body, feeling sexy as I am, and eating what I feel like, when I feel like.
How am I going to accomplish this, you ask, when for 25 years now, I have been terrified of food and my relationship to it?
I am taking one step at a time.
I am really listening to my thoughts, and recognizing that my food freedom starts in my head and my emotions.
I am realizing that my thoughts effect how I feel and how I feel effects my body and really, my life.
So all I'm doing at this stage is, making sure my thoughts about food and my bodies relationship to it, are positive ones.
I've been saying:
"I am sexy and loveable just as I am now."
"It is safe to trust my bodies wisdom."
"It is safe to enjoy food freedom."
"It is safe to eat what I want, when I want."
This last one is not my original thought but the one that has given me the most permission to enjoy and trust in food freedom.
Back in the 90's, my mum was reading this really great book by Geneen Roth, called "Feeding the Hungry Heart." I remember reading her words, about "eating what you want, when you want it" and that terrified and made me sad all at the same time.
I remember thinking that she was right. In fact, feeling deep inside me, that she had just given me the key to setting myself free from a fear of food, and fear of my bodies use of food.
But her words made me so sad as well, because I felt even then, how unbalanced and tired my fear of food was making me.
And terrified, because I couldn't conceive of ever being strong enough to give up my fear and look it in the face long enough to try eating what I want, when I want.
It made me really sad, feeling that there was this opportunity to change how I was living and experiencing such a large part of my life, and yet...there was NO WAY I was going to try it! I was just too scared of what would happen if I let go of the control I had over myself and food. The outcome was just too scary for me.
I had too much invested in my idea that if I had a slim, hot body, my life would be awesome. I guess there was just too much at stake for me to change my behaviors of restricted food menus and excessive excersizing.
Nowadays, I feel more able to believe that its not the food I eat or the size of my body that is the issue, its the fear I have that is what I need to focus on.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
POST 2
I've woken up today feeling really positive about this experience.
I feel vulnerable to be putting my inner most thoughts and fears about food and my response to it, out there for all to see.
But I feel a sense of excitement too. I'm excited to think that this may be the beginning of a new way of life for me. And I love giving this fear a voice, because I know so many of us share it.
As I've said already, I am totally exhausted with all the worrying I've been doing for years now, about food. I've worried that if I eat too much, or too often, I will be out of control and will never stop eating. I'll lose my job, and my boyfriend will move out and onto another female that isn't so 'weak'.
I've always felt weak in my relationship to food. Weak because I've been terrified of it, and what it will do to me if I'm not careful. It will slowly expand me, so that my favorite skinny jeans no longer fit. Food will give me a pot belly that I can't suck in nor hide from the masses. Food will attack me if I ever take my eyes off it, or let my guard down for an instant. It will attack my thighs, and my butt cheeks, implanting itself on my body in the form of fat, for all to see...
As I've said before, when I write of my fears of physical expansion or going up sizes in my clothes, it is strictly evidence of my own LACK of self esteem, and believing that I am fabulous at any shape or size.
I would hate for someone to read this, and think that I am disgusted by people who aren't fit and toned...on the contrary, I love a woman who loves herself, whether she is a size 2 like a girlfriend of mine, Maryanne, who never even thinks about what she eats, she just eats what she feels like. She is very happy in her skin and that is her true beauty.
I am also enamored of a girlfriend of mine, Alarna, at about a size 14, she is the sexiest woman I know! She's sexy because she knows she is and that's what i'm talkin' about!!!
When I refer to having fat on my body or being a bigger size than I'd like, I am talking about my own fears of imperfection, not putting down anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest and put it out there, that we are all exhausted about trying to manage our lives, via our mouths and what we put in it. Granted there are those amazing women who don't play that game, but they are a minority. I would love to get us all there, one woman at a time!
As my sister in law says, "women have for too long now, been focused on shrinking themselves down."
Thats not my goal anymore!!
My goal is to let the reins go...let my idea of having to control what I eat in order to live a great life.
Let the idea go that if I was 10 pounds lighter, my life would be better because....
Cause guess what? I've been a 'perfect' size 8 and I still believed that I had to diet or excersize more to maintain it, and I still felt insecure about my body, and fearful of the food I was putting in it.
Is that crazy or what?
So I'm taking back my power by believing in food freedom, that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and allow my bodies natural intuition to kick in.
I'm not going to act on fear and make myself run after a big meal.
Instead, I'm going to focus only on activities that bring me joy. Like bellydancing, and yoga.
(Note to readers, I'm sure that for alot of you, jogging and different sports bring you joy at this time. I'm only refering to what my body wants to do and my own personal motivation for exersizing. For example, I often make myself jog because of a fear of the food I ate and what it will do to me, as opposed to doing what I really wanted to do...which was maybe go to bed, or have a lay on the beach, doing some easy stretches.
My point is that I wasn't into jogging and was doing it out of a fear of food. I think that for many people, jogging brings such joy and empowerment and freedom, so go you!)
I'm not going to judge myself because most of my clothes are too darn tight and won't fit.
Instead, I'm focusing on reminding myself that my body has the freedom to move into different shapes if it feels the need and as my sacred vessel, I will accomodate its fluctuation with trust and humour. And buy a larger size of hot new clothes if needed!!!
I feel vulnerable to be putting my inner most thoughts and fears about food and my response to it, out there for all to see.
But I feel a sense of excitement too. I'm excited to think that this may be the beginning of a new way of life for me. And I love giving this fear a voice, because I know so many of us share it.
As I've said already, I am totally exhausted with all the worrying I've been doing for years now, about food. I've worried that if I eat too much, or too often, I will be out of control and will never stop eating. I'll lose my job, and my boyfriend will move out and onto another female that isn't so 'weak'.
I've always felt weak in my relationship to food. Weak because I've been terrified of it, and what it will do to me if I'm not careful. It will slowly expand me, so that my favorite skinny jeans no longer fit. Food will give me a pot belly that I can't suck in nor hide from the masses. Food will attack me if I ever take my eyes off it, or let my guard down for an instant. It will attack my thighs, and my butt cheeks, implanting itself on my body in the form of fat, for all to see...
As I've said before, when I write of my fears of physical expansion or going up sizes in my clothes, it is strictly evidence of my own LACK of self esteem, and believing that I am fabulous at any shape or size.
I would hate for someone to read this, and think that I am disgusted by people who aren't fit and toned...on the contrary, I love a woman who loves herself, whether she is a size 2 like a girlfriend of mine, Maryanne, who never even thinks about what she eats, she just eats what she feels like. She is very happy in her skin and that is her true beauty.
I am also enamored of a girlfriend of mine, Alarna, at about a size 14, she is the sexiest woman I know! She's sexy because she knows she is and that's what i'm talkin' about!!!
When I refer to having fat on my body or being a bigger size than I'd like, I am talking about my own fears of imperfection, not putting down anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest and put it out there, that we are all exhausted about trying to manage our lives, via our mouths and what we put in it. Granted there are those amazing women who don't play that game, but they are a minority. I would love to get us all there, one woman at a time!
As my sister in law says, "women have for too long now, been focused on shrinking themselves down."
Thats not my goal anymore!!
My goal is to let the reins go...let my idea of having to control what I eat in order to live a great life.
Let the idea go that if I was 10 pounds lighter, my life would be better because....
Cause guess what? I've been a 'perfect' size 8 and I still believed that I had to diet or excersize more to maintain it, and I still felt insecure about my body, and fearful of the food I was putting in it.
Is that crazy or what?
So I'm taking back my power by believing in food freedom, that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and allow my bodies natural intuition to kick in.
I'm not going to act on fear and make myself run after a big meal.
Instead, I'm going to focus only on activities that bring me joy. Like bellydancing, and yoga.
(Note to readers, I'm sure that for alot of you, jogging and different sports bring you joy at this time. I'm only refering to what my body wants to do and my own personal motivation for exersizing. For example, I often make myself jog because of a fear of the food I ate and what it will do to me, as opposed to doing what I really wanted to do...which was maybe go to bed, or have a lay on the beach, doing some easy stretches.
My point is that I wasn't into jogging and was doing it out of a fear of food. I think that for many people, jogging brings such joy and empowerment and freedom, so go you!)
I'm not going to judge myself because most of my clothes are too darn tight and won't fit.
Instead, I'm focusing on reminding myself that my body has the freedom to move into different shapes if it feels the need and as my sacred vessel, I will accomodate its fluctuation with trust and humour. And buy a larger size of hot new clothes if needed!!!
POST 1
well so far, this day feels like any other...
I woke up and gently squeezed my right inner thigh with my left hand. Something I do every morning, to see how much fat is there. It's the first thing I do, before my eyes are open or I'm even totally concious.
I say this to point out my preoccupation with my weight, and hence food. Because for me, one is the key to the others door...
When I refer to feeling fat, or having fat on me, it is with no insult intended. I use these terms strictly for descriptive purpose. When I refer to feeling fat, it is to bring attention to my own insecurities...I am trying to address my own non-acceptance of my beautiful body, at any shape or size, short, tall, fat, or thin. And in doing so, I hope to offer hope for others who are trying to do the same.
So this is my goal at present:
To eat what I want, when I want.
To remind myself that it is safe to eat.
To trust that my body knows what to do with the food that I consume.
To trust in this process.
I woke up and gently squeezed my right inner thigh with my left hand. Something I do every morning, to see how much fat is there. It's the first thing I do, before my eyes are open or I'm even totally concious.
I say this to point out my preoccupation with my weight, and hence food. Because for me, one is the key to the others door...
When I refer to feeling fat, or having fat on me, it is with no insult intended. I use these terms strictly for descriptive purpose. When I refer to feeling fat, it is to bring attention to my own insecurities...I am trying to address my own non-acceptance of my beautiful body, at any shape or size, short, tall, fat, or thin. And in doing so, I hope to offer hope for others who are trying to do the same.
So this is my goal at present:
To eat what I want, when I want.
To remind myself that it is safe to eat.
To trust that my body knows what to do with the food that I consume.
To trust in this process.
Day One of my Free from Food Fear:
Well, here goes nothing...
I have been motivated by a fear of food for too long now! I am thirty-five next month and I am still absolutely terrified that if I don't excersize daily, or only eat certain foods, my body will be "out of control" and I will grow and grow and grow.
My constant focus and worries about food and what, how and when I consume it are so totally and completely exhausting!!!
I've decided to give it all up, the fear of food that is. Hence, I have decided to stop dieting and over excersizing!
I 've decided to face my fears and do what I have been so terrified of :
I'm going to stop feeling helpless and afraid of my relationship with food, and in turn, my body.
I've decided to embrace a trust in myself and my body, believing that it is safe to trust.
I am just writing the words at this time, and don't really feel confident or courageous in regards to this endevour....all I feel is the same old fear I recognize I've held since about 12 years old, when I started to think that my body was something that I had to be afraid of and control. And the key to that fear lay in my relationship with food.
Ive always been aware of what I eat, going from one extreme to another, whether it be super healthy eating, fasting, dieting, or bingeing.
But this fear of food has really run its toll. I really don't want to do it anymore and I figure that the alternative is worth a shot. Afterall, I feel crappy being this scared all the time about food. I need a break.
So I'm writing this blog to record my feelings on this journey, I figure it will help me stay motivated.
I have been motivated by a fear of food for too long now! I am thirty-five next month and I am still absolutely terrified that if I don't excersize daily, or only eat certain foods, my body will be "out of control" and I will grow and grow and grow.
My constant focus and worries about food and what, how and when I consume it are so totally and completely exhausting!!!
I've decided to give it all up, the fear of food that is. Hence, I have decided to stop dieting and over excersizing!
I 've decided to face my fears and do what I have been so terrified of :
I'm going to stop feeling helpless and afraid of my relationship with food, and in turn, my body.
I've decided to embrace a trust in myself and my body, believing that it is safe to trust.
I am just writing the words at this time, and don't really feel confident or courageous in regards to this endevour....all I feel is the same old fear I recognize I've held since about 12 years old, when I started to think that my body was something that I had to be afraid of and control. And the key to that fear lay in my relationship with food.
Ive always been aware of what I eat, going from one extreme to another, whether it be super healthy eating, fasting, dieting, or bingeing.
But this fear of food has really run its toll. I really don't want to do it anymore and I figure that the alternative is worth a shot. Afterall, I feel crappy being this scared all the time about food. I need a break.
So I'm writing this blog to record my feelings on this journey, I figure it will help me stay motivated.
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