POST 28

Well, today finds me once again, enjoying eating what I want, when I want it, but feeling challenged in the area of only eating enough to feel full.

I am tired from school, work and social committments, and find that I head, not to the bed for a nap, but to the pantry for a pick-me-up snack.

And to top it all off, most of my old bottoms like skirts, shorts and pants are not fitting. 
In fact, just the other day, when racing off to doubles tennis with brad and our friends, I couldnt fit anything but for a pair of brad's boardies. Now that was depressing!!!!! And they were a perfect fit, not loose at all...in the PAST none of brads shorts would fit me so that's a double yowie owie...

Needless to say, that really got me down...I started wondering if the beautiful and vivacious creature that I was seeing in the mirror, was just a figment of my imagination? I mean, sure when I look in the mirror I see the cellulite and the fat rolls, but more importantly, I see how sexy and curvy I look.  I feel like a real woman!!

But being the same size as my man, that really got to me! I thought about it for about 48 hours, wondering if my body weight is out of control or something...

So how did I deal with those emotions you ask?  Did I quickly decide to jump on a diet or head to the gym?  Did I jump on the bandwagon of self-loathing and fear?

No I did not!

So how did I get through that, and still come out feeling beautiful and blessed and lovely?

I mentally brushed the thoughts away that made me feel bad about myself. 

I chose to deliberately focus on the positive body image ideas I have about myself like how lucky I am to be so healthy.

I focused on feeling appreciative that I haven't needed to go to the hospital for anything in 5 years and have not needed to see a doctor in over a year.  I'm on no medications and suffer from no ailments! I think that makes me one heck of a lucky girl!

And then I got to thinking that if a pair of my boyfriends shorts fit me and feel comfy on, as opposed to squeezing into something uncomfortable of my own, than why not wear them with joy?

Afterall, my body has taken care of me this long, so I need to return the favour and make her feel good too.

So once again readers, this journey towards food freedom and a positive relationship with my body is not a light an easy one...but it can be if I continue to make it so using my power of focus and positive thought.
Yip yip yippee, I'm not afraid to be meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

POST 27

As I have said before, I am finding food freedom in my life, by eating what I want, when I want it, but only when I'm actually hungry. 

That last bit, about eating only when I'm hungry, that's the tough one for me.

I started the habit of turning to food for comfort at such a young age, that I now have years of experience of turning to food and eating for many other reasons than feeling hungry.

I have a difficult time even recognizing when I am full.  I get confused and find myself so focused on how good it tastes that I want to keep eating, regardless of if I am even still hungry.

Lately, I find that I seem to be adjusting to this routine.  I am starting to feel a certain peace come over me.  The fearful thoughts and worries about my weight and what food can do to it (if I don't excersize like mad, or stick to a strict eating plan) are slowly dissipating with time...

I know from experience that time can go a long way in  healing a broken heart, but I never really thought about its ability to create change in ones life.  I'm finding that if I do something long enough and over and over, time seems to help me along.

I feel that I am adjusting to my beliefs in food freedom, and am beginning to trust this process.

I no longer feel that I am dangling over a cliff, with the possibility of falling to my death, screaming.

I am starting to feel safe and content with my relationship with food.

Obviously, I am still struggling at times to only eat when I am hungry and I still get tempted to substitute the food I feel like, for something that I know will be less calories...

But I'm getting there,and the road is feeling alot less bumpy.

So today, I want to convey that this journey, at this time, is getting easier.

Woop woop, and hip hip hooray, this journey is easy today!!!!

POST 26

As I mentioned in my last post, I was at a conference this past weekend.

Not knowing anyone, and being in a new situation, I was out of my comfort zone and on top of that, I ran out of money, so I couldn't eat anything for an entire day.  That sucked. 

But I got through it and I realized how much of a crutch food is for me....

I also became really aware at the conference, how lucky I am to be housed in a healthy body.

It was physically tough sticking out 2 full days of sitting on a hard, plastic chair listening to speakers. 

I recall looking at those around me, and seeing that alot of people were really struggling to sit that way for so long.

I specifically caught sight of a woman near me.  She was really uncomfortable and kept sighing and shifting her weight about.  She looked like she was feeling less than fabulous.

I really took that in.  I thought how blessed I am to have such a healthy body and how it really is my job to keep it as flexible and mobile as possible....

I realize how I want to be able to tackle the challenges that life brings me, with joy and comfort, not pain.

And experiencing food freedom and sustaining a healthy approach to food through eating what I want when I want it, when I am hungy, is a key to that physical health and wellbeing.

So today's blog is dedicated to that beautiful woman at the conference, who strugged to get comfortable in her own skin, the way I struggle to get comfortable with food.

May our journey's both follow a road of peace and joy...

POST 25

This weekend, I attended a conference in the city.

I drove the 2 hour drive alone, knowing that I would most likely not know another soul at this 2 day event.  And I was right. Not only did I not know anyone, but it was alot of information that was way above my head. 

I felt really outside of my comfort zone pretty much the whole time.  All of my senses were really active and I didn't have much time to think about food on the first day of the conference.

On the second day, if you can believe it, my debit card wasnt working so I was unable to buy any food all day.  Into the afternoon, I was pretty hungry, but again, because there was so much going on around me, I didnt notice too much.

It really made me realize that when I try new things, and step outside my comfort zone, food isn't such a priority to me.  In my everyday life, food is my favorite way to treat myself and make myself feel good..."Oh it's friday night so I'm gong to buy a big bag of chips to celebrate"...."I've got to pay some bills at the mall so I'm going to make it fun by treating myself to a chai latte." and on and on.

I also found, how well I can function on very little food.  That is a real eye opener for me as I have such a hard time with not eating when I am full.  I actually find it difficult to connect with the feeling of my tummy being full...I tend to keep eating till I feel sick and then use the sickness as a gage for being full.

But this weekend, my tummy was hungry, but I still got through the day.  That makes me feel empowered, to know that I can be outside my comfort zone, without access to food, and still be ok.

If you read my past blogs, you will know how much comfort and safety I derive from a full belly so this is a big realization for me.

Hip hip hooray, I'm learning today!

POST 24

Have I ever told you about my fixation with stealing food and/or money to buy food?

I started stealing 1 kilo bags of brown sugar from my mums kitchen pantry.  I would eat this sugar with a spoon, while hiding either under my bed, or in the linen press.

After a little while, mum must have started hiding the sugar somewhere I couldn't find it, so I started stealing the Flinstone multi-vitamins mum was making us kids take each morning.  They were kinda sweet and tangy, so I started sneaking the whole container full.   Pretty much in one go.

Mum soon changed her mind about giving us the vitamins, and hence, my dealer was no more.  I had to get creative.  The next time we were visiting my Gramma, I snuck into her pantry and stole jello packets.  Once we got back home, I would run out to the bushes along our driveway, and inhale the sweet red jello powder.  In one go, of course.

But we weren't over at Gramma's often enough for her to be my supplier, so I had to think outside the box.  Mum was pretty strict about not allowing much junk food in the house.  Apart from chips on friday nights, there wasn't alot to choose from in the pantry or the fridge.  And all I got in my lunchbox each day was a peanut butter sandwhich, an apple and a granola bar.

It was around this time that I started bringing my treasured and most awesome sticker collection to school.  I started off small, trading the best of my scratch and sniffs (bubblegum flavour), garfield, smurfs and packman  stickers to other kids for their sugary snacks. This went on until I was down to my crappy stickers and the 'my little pony' one that I couldn't bear to part with.

I then expanded my entrepeneur skills to include theft.  I began stealing chocolate bars and candy from the other kids lunchboxes.  Unfortuneatly I got caught red handed and had to spend a week of lunches standing in front of the office with my nose pressed to the wall.  And no lunch!

I can't recall how I discovered it but mum had a stash of money, all coins, in a metal tin, hidden in the den.  It was church collection money, as mum was the sunday school teacher at that time.  I started stealing a couple coins at first.  I used this money to pay the big kids at school, who were able to leave the school grounds at lunch, to buy me candy from the convenience store.

That lasted only a short while, before they got the shits with me always pestering them, and told me to f-off.

I was taking just a few coins each day, waiting to see if mum noticed.  But she never did.  I started carrying a secret coin purse with me when we would do the groceries.  I would spend all my energy trying to figure out a way to sneak away while mum was waiting at the deli for some cold cuts.  I would make some excuse and race over to the candy isle, and then over to the cashier to pay.  All the while, I was terrified that mum or my brother and sister would see me and the jig would be up. They never did catch me, so I would pay for my goods and stash them inside my underwear until I got home.   Then I would eat them while hiding under my bed, or out behind the garage in the field.

I started getting brave, if not greedy, and I was taking dollars at a time now.  This went on for ages, even though my sister seemed to grow more suspicious everyday.  My sister was noticing that I had money whenever we'd go out.  She was suspicious because she got the same allowance as me, so she couldn't understand where all the money was coming from. I started to feel so guilty and scared but I couldn't stop stealing the money or buying the candy.  I was a full on addict!

Can you believe, I don't actually recall how my cover got blown?  I'll have to ask my sister and mum and I'll let you know.

My point in today's blog is, I have a complicated relationship with food my whole life. 

So today is dedicated to the gorgeous, if not resourceful, child that I was, and adult that I now am.  I take time to laugh and find humour in the crazy ways I tried to meet my emotional needs with food.  I now also honour that I no longer need to do that. Hooray hooray, today is a new day!!!!  Life is good!

POST 23

I have been feeling a little lost and afraid, worried that my decision to eat what I want, when I want is going to cause me to put weight on...afraid that I will grow so large, none of my awesome clothes will fit.  So large, that I won't be able to go to the public beaches in my bikini without feeling crappy.  So large, that I will lose the confidence and self appreciation I hold so dear.

And then...

I head over to my friend Jenni's house and she hands me a book called, "Women Food and God", by Geneen Roth.  I've read Geneen's work before, as I've mentioned, so I tucked it into my bag without further thought, and proceed to forget all about it.

Cut to a few days later and I'm visiting my fabulous sister-in-law.  She is an author and a book-nut.  And what book do you think she recommends to me? You guessed it, "Women Food and God". 

Now I may be a little slow on the uptake, as I rarely get a joke without it being explained to me, but I certainly take heed when the universe speaks. And she was speaking!  So following two suggestions from loved ones, I began to read this book.

Amazing!!!! Absolutely spot on and awesome!!!

Without going into too much detail, Geneen was able to explain to me, some of my own behaviors and attitudes about food.  Because she has been there herself. 

Geneen talked about the first step towards freeing oneself in regards to food, is to eat what you want, when you want it.  But she went on to say that one must also put an effort info eating only when you are hungry.  Not when you are bored, or scared, or tired.  Eat only when you are hungry. 

Now that was a huge wakeup call for me.  If you've been following my blog, you are familiar with my habits of eating ESPECIALLY when I am tired, bored and scared.  You may recall when I've written about eating 1 kilo bags of brown sugar with a spoon, as a child.  You may recall when I wrote about eating an entire freezers contents of frozen sugary treats, as I kid.  You would know by now, how difficult it is for me to eat only when I am hungry and to stop when I am full.

So to read Geneen's words that "if you eat what you want, when you want it, when you are NOT hungry, you are bingeing", I felt a sense of deep and profound awareness that she was right.

I have written about my own history of following very strict food plans, where I fasted and/or didn't eat much at all. I have also admitted to other times, eating so much at every meal that my tummy hurts and I stop putting food in my mouth only when I feel sick.

I've begun this journey with food freedom, and insisted that I eat what I want, when I want, as a road towards a trust in my body and the food I eat.  I wanted to throw away my ever-changing rule book about what foods were 'allowed' and 'safe'.

But what I have been noticing on this journey, is that I was still eating till I felt sick. I was still eating when I was bored studying for my massage therapy exam, even though I'd already eaten a massive lunch a few minutes earlier.  I'm still eating when I'm exhausted and all I can think of is to go to bed.  Instead, I head to the kitchen and eat.

It seems that in throwing away my rule book, I'd lost sight of a very important guideline for enjoying food freedom: 

Eat as much as I want, when I want, when I am actually HUNGRY.

So peeps, wish me luck in my endevour to devour food only when I am (actually) hungry! Woop Woop!

POST 22

It's been a week since I've written in the blog! I've been that snowed down with committments that I couldn't find the time or energy to write.

But I've had so many thoughts about my current journey, into food freedom and away from a fear of food.

I was feeling a little stuck in my emotions.

  I knew that continueing to eat what I wanted, when I wanted was the right thing for me to do, to learn that I can trust my body and the food I choose to put in it.  But at the same time, I was still aware that I was eating when I was full.  I eat when I'm tired, or bored or worried about something.  If I have a day off and I spend it around the house, I'm constantly opening the fridge for food.

I didn't know what to do about all the snacking or how to come from a place where I didn't need to.  But I was refusing to stop eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, regardless, because that is the opposite of what I have ALWAYS done!

I have always felt really bad about myself for eating any foods that I didn't think were 'safe' foods.  My safe list, as my family will tell you, changed every day of every week of every year....it never stayed the same!  It changed according to what new article I'd read that told me I would lose weight. It also changed depending on who I spoke to that had lost weight, and how they did it.

I was constantly influenced by the world around me.  I was always searching for the answer to all my weight 'problems'.  (I now realize I was looking for an answer to all my SELF ESTEEM problems, but that's for another days discussion.)

And because I was always looking for the solution, I was readily jumping on every eating plan you can imagine.

Because it was suggested in a health food book, I once fasted on water for a day and a half, until I started seeing stars, having dizzy spells, and behaving irrationally.  I think my boyfriend was really scared I was going to kill him in his sleep!

Another time, I tried fasting on lemon and cucumber juice with shots of olive oil, because I read it was a good way to detox.  It tasted as awful as it sounds.

I also lived on cabbage soup for a week, when my roomate at the time told me she lost heaps of weight from doing the same thing.

Once, because I found out that I was going to be in my underwear in a play and god forbid, I had cellulite, I fasted for 10 days, drinking only water and lemon until 5 pm, then eating a regular dinner. But it worked! I lost weight and felt good about my body for the show. ( Little did I realize the damage I was doing to my psyche though.)

I have spent weeks only eating raw, organic almonds.  Nothing else.  I ate so many almonds over such a short period of time, that I became allergic...If I eat too many now, my tongue swells up painfully.

I have been on an eating plan where I only allowed  myself alkaline foods, so I ate spinach and goat cheese fetta for weeks straight.

After seeing an acqaintance shrinking down to half her body weight from drinking only protein shakes, I did the same, and refused to injest any solid foods for weeks.  Boy did I poo!

I have eating only salad every night for weeks, after reading an article on Jennifer Aniston, who insisted that she keeps her weight down by having a salad once a day.

I have drunk only juice till noon, because it gave me a flat stomach,and because I read that it would make me skinny. It worked and I was skinny, but I was unhappy as well. I didn't feel safe knowing that my skinny-ness was dependant on such a strict rule.  It stressed me out, worrying about how long I could stick with it or keep it up.

I have refused to eat anything after 8 pm because I figured it was like a mini fast, until morning, at which time I wouldn't eat until after 10am...basically, I'd hold off eating as long as I could to extend my fasting time.

So as you can see, I have a long history in NOT eating what I want, when I want, so no wonder I feel scared and afraid and out of control!!!!!

Today's blog entry is dedicated to the value of feeling out of control, as a road towards healing and change.

POST 21

Yesterday my sweet little nieces came over for a visit.  I'd just gotten home from the beach and I was wearing only a bikini...
The seven year old kept staring at my belly and breasts, robust and round as they are...next thing I knew, she was patting my belly. It was funny although I knew that I should be embarassed but on some level, I felt that it was only natural for her to be drawn to my soft, round belly, after all- it's at her eye level!

But then a minute later, her little sister, the 4 year old, comes up to me and says, "You have a fat belly!"  I was embarrassed that attention had been given to it, yet again, I still felt it was quite funny! I looked down at my belly and rubbed it, like a buddha, and laughed at my nieces reaction.

It made me realize that I am not so worried about how I'm percieved, in regards to 'imperfections' and all...but more to the point, I get caught up in how I think I should react: embarrassed, ashamed, and compelled to cover up.

But I didn't feel like that.  I felt sexy and natural, having just spent 2 hours lying in the sand dunes in the afternoon sun, at my local beach.  Having watched the waves crash on the sand below and pondered how healthy my beautiful body is.

Why is how we 'think' we should feel so important and often so varied to how we 'actually' feel?

POST 20

I have been feeling really scared and emotional on this journey so far...from being afraid of food, and what it does to my body-towards experiencing food freedom and facing my fears.

Each day has been an emotional roller-coaster...but despite the scary climbs up the tract and the sharp drop down at warp speeds, I am not getting off this ride!!!

I feel like I just want to get my body back...that if I do what I've always done and focus on my figure and keeping it slim and trim, than all my unhappiness will go away.  That I will be ok if I look ok.
But deep inside, I know that's not how it really works.  I have been a size 8, a gorgeous unstoppable and sexy size 8...and guess what?  I was terrified all the time that I would eat too much of the wrong thing and put on weight.  I was focused on excersizing every day as much as possible so that I would keep my body just as it was, but hoped to perhaps lose a little more weight off my butt in the process.

I wasn't even secure in myself at that stage.  I remember still worrying about people looking at my butt while I was walking along the beach in my bikini.  I was still covering up the parts of me that I didn't think were worthy of my appreciation and love.

So today, yet again, I am focusing my attention on loving myself as I am..  I am focusing on facing my fear of carrying fat on my body and what that means to me.

Wish me luck, as I venture in this unknown territory!!! woop woop!!!

POST 19

I've been toying with this idea about allowing myself to trust that the food I eat will have a loving and healthy relationship with my body.

I am pondering alot about my fears of food and what it does to my body.

I've been thinking...doesn't fear in general cause a certain amount of stress on the body?

If you think about all the times I engage with food, every meal, every snack and every drink...if I'm afraid of food, then thats a heck of alot of fearful thoughts I've been having.

I've been thinking that not only can food way me down, but the fear around food can way me down too!
Emotionally heavy thoughts like helplessness and hopelessness and fear and shame, and judgement too...they are all really heavy thoughts to be carrying around.

If I am sustaining a fear of food and what it can do to my body/size, I'm sure that adds weight to my emotional body.

Isn't that a comical thought...that my fear of food and the weight it can put on me, may be creating a heaviness in other areas of my life...like my psyche, emotions, and spirit...

POST 18

I was just trying to sign into my blog, when lo and behold I stumbled upon another womans blog.  She too, is writing about her journey towards food freedom!!! I was so excited to read her personal accounts of a journey towards food freedom.  Very cool! Check her out on my homepage.

I've had a few busy days and have felt there was not much to write about.  I am still having positive moments of self acceptance and love, when I look in the mirror and feel beautiful and precious.

But at the same time, I am still bouncing back into feelings of fear about my eating habits and what they can do to my body.

Because its bikini season here, all the new designs have landed in stores.  I took about an hour the other day, to once again, try on lots of different designs.  Looking at myself in the mirror has felt really confusing...I see fat and cellulite but I also see beautiful skin and sexy curves.  I am quite bottom heavy at the moment and I find that really hard to look at.

But I believe that if I allow the feelings of dissapointment about my body to be the emotions that I connect to, then I will only be feeding my fear of food further.  So instead, I am focusing on the happy thoughts of  self love and acceptance.

I look healthy and sensual.  I look like I enjoy all that life has to offer.  I look strong and confident.  I look curvy and sexy.  I feel feminin and luschious.  I feel I am nurtering myself as I look in the mirror and feel love.

I've been feeling some truly deep thoughts and emotions about my body, fear, freedom, food, and self love...but they are still too confusing to get out into words.

But one thing I'd like to say is that I believe at this point in time, that there is so much more that affects our body size and shape, than just the food we eat, the calories we consume, and the calories we burn.

I am starting to experiment with the crazy notion that loving my body can actually change its shape.  The idea that loving my body will create a new type of emotion that can allow emotional shifts to occur, which in turn will change habits and effect how my body looks and feels. 

I 'm starting to feel that its not the food or the calories I need worry about, but the fears themselves. And thats what I want to deal with, on my journey with food freedom.

POST 17

Yesterday, it was my boyfriends birthday.  We celebrated by, among other things, eating lots of junkfood, including a yummy birthday cake.

I enjoyed a piece and was stuffed, with no room to spare in my tummy.  Yet there I was, cutting off more cake and wolfing it down.  I ate a couple more pieces until I felt really sick.

It was bedtime and my tummy was now hurting me, being so swollen with too much food.

As I looked down at my sore, swollen tummy, I began to feel really bad about myself.   I started having thoughts like "You are such a weakling.  You always eat to much.  You can never stop when you are ful."

I started feeling like I was spiralling into more bad feelings about myself, so I decided to sit down on the floor, on a cushion cross legged and spend some time tuning itno how I was feeling about myself.

I took a few deep breaths to become centered and then I observed my thoughts and what I was telling myself.  I discovered that I was saying really mean things to myself and putting myself down.

So it was at that moment, I decided to change what I was thinking.  I decided to tell myself that I loved myself, no matter what.  That I loved the parts of me that choose to eat too much, even when I'm already full.   I choose to accept all the parts of me.

I came out of that mini-meditation and self reflection, feeling much better emotionally.

And I reminded myself that I can eat what I want, when I want it, trusting that by giving myself freedom in regards to food I eat, I will eventually find a place of balance. 

But in order to get there, I need to love myself during the journey.  And I need to love all of me, not just the parts that eat healthy food.

So today is Loving Leanna Day! Hip Hip Hooray, I love Leanna today!!!

POST 16

Today I awoke, thinking that although I am eating what I want, when I want it, I'm still not fitting into alot of my clothes.  I've still got a larger-than-I-would-like body and loads of cellutlite on my butt.

Although eating what I want, when I want, has not given me the type of  body  I've desired for so long, it has actually given me something much greater:

I feel ok.  I feel acceptance for who I am and what I look like today.  I feel relief that I don't have to do anything to change my weight.  I don't have to make myself run, or go to the gym.  I don't have to diet or force myself to eat a certain way. 

I'm feeling so much freedom and relief, as though I've jumped off a running wheel....one which cost me alot of energy, yet never got me anywhere.

So today, I'm celebrating a life worth enjoying.  I'm honoring the me that wants to eat too much cake on my birthday, and the me who loves herbal tea and sunflower seeds for breakfast.

I'm honoring the me that loves myself even when I eat too much, knowing that all the parts of me AND all my choices, are ok. 

Hip Hip Hooray, I'm ok today!

POST 15

Today I am thinking about how much easier life would be, if only I can continue to trust my relationship to food.

And I imagine that if I truly trusted my body and felt safe eating what I want, when I want, I would feel strong, and secure in myself. 

I wouldn't look outside of myself for answers in regards to diets and excersize. I would decide what my body wants and needs by looking inside myself.

I got to thinking about this the other day when I pulled out the Body and Soul section of the Sunday Telegraph.  One article that really caught my eye featured interviews with people who had lost weight.  It was titled, "What I ate to lose weight".

In the past, I would have been pouring over that article, trying to get a heads up on my own weight issues.  But this day in particular, I found it sad and unnecessary.

I'm wondering, isn't there a much easier way to maintain a healthy weight that is appropriate for me? 

I have spend so much time and energy reading articles, and looking for that one food to eat, or not eat, that will allow me to remain at my ideal weight.  But I'm now feeling that I can give myself the answers simply by eating what I want, when I want it.

After all, what is right for Joe Blow, may not be right for me.  I am honouring my body and my own uniqueness. 

I trust that I have the answers inside me!