Well, here I sit, once again, fingers pressed above computer keys, lots of thoughts running though my brain.
I just got back from a quick, very quick, trip home to see my family and loved ones. I cried as I waited to board my flight to L.A., then onwards through to Sydney and home. I kept hiding out in the ladies washroom, allowing the tears to flow unfettered, unashamed.
I've been back in oz almost a week and I'm still feeling really displaced and full of meloncholy.
But in this haze and daze, a sneaky little realization came about. It quietly dawned on me the other day, that I no longer feel afraid of growing obese if I do not diet or excersize. The fear that I have sat with for months and years, that I will grow obese and immobile if not contained in some way.
The fear that if I didn't contain my hunger through dieting, or contain my body via excersize, I would grow obese and unhealthy.
I did not trust myself, or my ability to be healthy and happy without rules and constraints.
And suddenly here I am, discovering that I had 'forgotten' to be afraid. That I had allowed my fear to slip into the background, unchecked and unnoticed.
And that I am still me, still the same size I was ten months ago when I started this whole journey into food freedom!
Shocking isn't it? I certainly think so.
This process and specifically this new development within my process, has really got me thinking. Why has my fear subsided and how? Is it because after months of not feeding (pardon the pun) into it, it starved to death, or went searching somewhere else for a meal, leaving me in peace?
I'm considering the idea that if a fear is left long enough, untethered, and is not fed into by my actions, it just lets go of me and dissappears. I think this may be so, because the fear I'm talking about has been so strong in me for so long. These last months I stopped blogging because it felt so repetative to be saying over and over, "I am so afraid, I am so afraid."
But despite the overwhelming presence of my fear, I didn't resort back to my old habits based on the fearful thoughts I was having. Instead, I just accepted that the fear I had was awful and terrifying, and that was it.
I was totally committed to riding this experiment out, to the other side. Obviously, a part of me believed that there was light on the other side, and I just had to keep faith that my fear would pass and that I would not end up huge and unhealthy.
The idea that I would increase in size and no longer be able to enjoy a healthy lifestyle was really terrifying and very real to me.
Now here I am, not dieting nor on any eating plans, nor feeling scared about what and/or how much I eat. I don't jog or do any organized excersize like I used to, and I am exactly the same size I was when I stopped all my regimented practises, and moved into food freedom.
I would like to say, moved 'joyously' into food freedom, but if you've been reading my blog, you know that just ain't so! It has been hell on wheels, and a never-ending anxiety riddled experience for me.
But i've hung in there and now, I feel good today!
I feel like a big weight of fear, not fat, has been lifted off my body. I feel lighter and happier and more content with accepting the ebb and flow of my bodies weight in relation to the moment I find myself in. I am both larger today than I have been in the past, and I am also smaller today, than I have been in the past. And tomorrow, my body may be different again.
But I'm not afraid of these changes, but more accepting that they exist and I have no need to fear them. That a vacation spent indulging in breads and sweets will result in a puffier mid section, just as sincerely as I know that I can trust my body to decide when it just feels like a salad for dinner.
I was always worried that my choices would result in something scary and out of my control.
I don't feel that way today.
Hip hip hooray, I feel peace today!
