Post 44

Well, here I sit, once again, fingers pressed above computer keys, lots of thoughts running though my brain.

I just got back from a quick, very quick, trip home to see my family and loved ones. I cried as I waited to board my flight to L.A., then onwards through to Sydney and home. I kept hiding out in the ladies washroom, allowing the tears to flow unfettered, unashamed.

I've been back in oz almost a week and I'm still feeling really displaced and full of meloncholy.

But in this haze and daze, a sneaky little realization came about.  It quietly dawned on me the other day, that I no longer feel afraid of growing obese if I do not diet or excersize. The fear that I have sat with for months and years, that I will grow obese and immobile if not contained in some way.

The fear that if  I didn't contain my hunger through dieting, or contain my body via excersize, I would grow obese and unhealthy.

I did not trust myself, or my ability to be healthy and happy without rules and constraints.

And suddenly here I am, discovering that I had 'forgotten' to be afraid. That I had allowed my fear to slip into the background, unchecked and unnoticed.

And that I am still me, still the same size I was ten months ago when I started this whole journey into food freedom!

Shocking isn't it? I certainly think so.

This process and specifically this new development within my process, has really got me thinking. Why has my fear subsided and how? Is it because after months of not feeding (pardon the pun) into it, it starved to death, or went searching somewhere else for a meal, leaving me in peace?

I'm considering the idea that if a fear is left long enough, untethered, and is not fed into by my actions, it just lets go of me and dissappears. I think this may be so, because the fear I'm talking about has been so strong in me for so long.  These last months I stopped blogging because it felt so repetative to be saying over and over, "I am so afraid, I am so afraid."

But despite the overwhelming presence of my fear, I didn't resort back to my old habits based on the fearful thoughts I was having.  Instead, I just accepted that the fear I had was awful and terrifying, and that was it.

I was totally committed to riding this experiment out, to the other side. Obviously, a part of me believed that there was light on the other side, and I just had to keep faith that my fear would pass and that I would not end up huge and unhealthy.

The idea that I would increase in size and no longer be able to enjoy a healthy lifestyle was really terrifying and very real to me.

Now here I am, not dieting nor on any eating plans, nor feeling scared about what and/or how much I eat.  I don't jog or do any organized excersize like I used to, and I am exactly the same size I was when I stopped all my regimented practises, and moved into food freedom.

I would like to say, moved 'joyously' into food freedom, but if you've been reading my blog, you know that just ain't so! It has been hell on wheels, and a never-ending anxiety riddled experience for me.

But i've hung in there and now, I feel good today!

I feel like a big weight of fear, not fat, has been lifted off my body. I feel lighter and happier and more content with accepting the ebb and flow of my bodies weight in relation to the moment I find myself in.  I am both larger today than I have been in the past, and I am also smaller today, than I have been in the past.  And tomorrow, my body may be different again. 

But I'm not afraid of these changes, but more accepting that they exist and I have no need to fear them.  That a vacation spent indulging in breads and sweets will result in a puffier mid section, just as sincerely as I know that I can trust my body to decide when it just feels like a salad for dinner.

I was always worried that my choices would result in something scary and out of my control.

I don't feel that way today.

Hip hip hooray, I feel peace today!

Post 43

I have not written in such a very long time.

When last i wrote, I recall feeling stuck in a repetative place...recognizing that I held a deep habit of eating for comfort, relief, avoidance, distraction, boredom and to numb myself from situations and emotions that I didn't want to feel.

I was starting to feel desperate in regards to the weight that I was slowly yet steadily gaining.  I was feeling very tempted by the idea of starting an excersize routine to lose the weight.  And I felt as well, that to do so would be a step towards avoiding the recognition of how I use food. And a step away from moving forward in my food freedom journey.

I then, ended up having a totally unrelated situation in my life that threw me into conflict and fear.  I found that I was so stressed out and afraid, that I could not eat, nor nourish myself with food for 4 days straight.  I found that I carry my fear deep inside my tummy.  This was news to me.

As the weeks passed, this situation came under control, and I was slowly able to eat again.  And I clearly recall, as I felt better, but still was not back to feeling like my normal self, how I wasn't really interested in food, or using it to dull my emotions.

What an odd way to observe such a change in myself at that time.

I got rid of alot of emotional baggage once I came through this experience.  And I feel that along with the emotional baggage, I also dropped off alot of un-needed weight.

I believe that we store so much unresolved emotions in our physical and emotional bodies and I daresay, that I certainly rid myself of alot of heavy emotions during these last few weeks. 

I'm curious to see how this will effect me physically.  At the present, I feel lighter in both spirit and body.

POST 42

It has been so long since I've posted...I've been feeling really stuck and very confused about all matters concerning my eating habits, excersize and my weight in general.

In the last few weeks, since following the xmas holiday, I found that the ring and watch I wear had grown tight on me and were no longer comfortable to wear.

I found this fact rather depressing and I found myself thinking that it would be a good idea to cut out carbs for a few meals and/or start excersizing so as to lose a little weight. 

But I did neither of those things, and instead I took  myself to the beach for a relaxing walk in the soft, white sand.  I walked and let all my thoughts fly out of my head and sent them way up into the sky. I found peace and comfort in drawing my attention to my barefeet in the sand and the feeling of my calves and thigh muscles being used with each step I took.  At the end of the walk, I dove into the ocean and floated around in joyfullness.

The next morning all I could think of was how great my walk had been the day before and when I could do it again. 

That evening, at sunset, I walked along the beach again.  I felt the same sense of freedom, peace and delight in the moment.

Since then, I've been walking everyday and loving it. 

But part of me is sneaky and right away began plotting how often I would walk and began calculating how many calories that would burn off...which then made me feel guilty about doing it because I refuse to loose weight through EXCESSIVE excersize because I don't want to  mask the results of my eating habits.

If I start losing weight through excessive and repetative excersize, I will have no need to challenge my unhealthy emotional eating habits.

So I was feeling pretty torn about continueing my walks and whether or not it was a good thing for me.  I was worried that I was falling back into a familiar pattern of depending on excersize to justify my eating habits.

But I've happily come to the grand old conclusion that anything I love could not be 'bad' for me and I certainly love my walks!

And I realize that my old habit of engaging in exersize that I found dreadfully boring specifically to burn calories, is very different from doing physical activities simply because I enjoy it.

That is surely feeding my soul!!!!!!!!