Post 44

Well, here I sit, once again, fingers pressed above computer keys, lots of thoughts running though my brain.

I just got back from a quick, very quick, trip home to see my family and loved ones. I cried as I waited to board my flight to L.A., then onwards through to Sydney and home. I kept hiding out in the ladies washroom, allowing the tears to flow unfettered, unashamed.

I've been back in oz almost a week and I'm still feeling really displaced and full of meloncholy.

But in this haze and daze, a sneaky little realization came about.  It quietly dawned on me the other day, that I no longer feel afraid of growing obese if I do not diet or excersize. The fear that I have sat with for months and years, that I will grow obese and immobile if not contained in some way.

The fear that if  I didn't contain my hunger through dieting, or contain my body via excersize, I would grow obese and unhealthy.

I did not trust myself, or my ability to be healthy and happy without rules and constraints.

And suddenly here I am, discovering that I had 'forgotten' to be afraid. That I had allowed my fear to slip into the background, unchecked and unnoticed.

And that I am still me, still the same size I was ten months ago when I started this whole journey into food freedom!

Shocking isn't it? I certainly think so.

This process and specifically this new development within my process, has really got me thinking. Why has my fear subsided and how? Is it because after months of not feeding (pardon the pun) into it, it starved to death, or went searching somewhere else for a meal, leaving me in peace?

I'm considering the idea that if a fear is left long enough, untethered, and is not fed into by my actions, it just lets go of me and dissappears. I think this may be so, because the fear I'm talking about has been so strong in me for so long.  These last months I stopped blogging because it felt so repetative to be saying over and over, "I am so afraid, I am so afraid."

But despite the overwhelming presence of my fear, I didn't resort back to my old habits based on the fearful thoughts I was having.  Instead, I just accepted that the fear I had was awful and terrifying, and that was it.

I was totally committed to riding this experiment out, to the other side. Obviously, a part of me believed that there was light on the other side, and I just had to keep faith that my fear would pass and that I would not end up huge and unhealthy.

The idea that I would increase in size and no longer be able to enjoy a healthy lifestyle was really terrifying and very real to me.

Now here I am, not dieting nor on any eating plans, nor feeling scared about what and/or how much I eat.  I don't jog or do any organized excersize like I used to, and I am exactly the same size I was when I stopped all my regimented practises, and moved into food freedom.

I would like to say, moved 'joyously' into food freedom, but if you've been reading my blog, you know that just ain't so! It has been hell on wheels, and a never-ending anxiety riddled experience for me.

But i've hung in there and now, I feel good today!

I feel like a big weight of fear, not fat, has been lifted off my body. I feel lighter and happier and more content with accepting the ebb and flow of my bodies weight in relation to the moment I find myself in.  I am both larger today than I have been in the past, and I am also smaller today, than I have been in the past.  And tomorrow, my body may be different again. 

But I'm not afraid of these changes, but more accepting that they exist and I have no need to fear them.  That a vacation spent indulging in breads and sweets will result in a puffier mid section, just as sincerely as I know that I can trust my body to decide when it just feels like a salad for dinner.

I was always worried that my choices would result in something scary and out of my control.

I don't feel that way today.

Hip hip hooray, I feel peace today!

Post 43

I have not written in such a very long time.

When last i wrote, I recall feeling stuck in a repetative place...recognizing that I held a deep habit of eating for comfort, relief, avoidance, distraction, boredom and to numb myself from situations and emotions that I didn't want to feel.

I was starting to feel desperate in regards to the weight that I was slowly yet steadily gaining.  I was feeling very tempted by the idea of starting an excersize routine to lose the weight.  And I felt as well, that to do so would be a step towards avoiding the recognition of how I use food. And a step away from moving forward in my food freedom journey.

I then, ended up having a totally unrelated situation in my life that threw me into conflict and fear.  I found that I was so stressed out and afraid, that I could not eat, nor nourish myself with food for 4 days straight.  I found that I carry my fear deep inside my tummy.  This was news to me.

As the weeks passed, this situation came under control, and I was slowly able to eat again.  And I clearly recall, as I felt better, but still was not back to feeling like my normal self, how I wasn't really interested in food, or using it to dull my emotions.

What an odd way to observe such a change in myself at that time.

I got rid of alot of emotional baggage once I came through this experience.  And I feel that along with the emotional baggage, I also dropped off alot of un-needed weight.

I believe that we store so much unresolved emotions in our physical and emotional bodies and I daresay, that I certainly rid myself of alot of heavy emotions during these last few weeks. 

I'm curious to see how this will effect me physically.  At the present, I feel lighter in both spirit and body.

POST 42

It has been so long since I've posted...I've been feeling really stuck and very confused about all matters concerning my eating habits, excersize and my weight in general.

In the last few weeks, since following the xmas holiday, I found that the ring and watch I wear had grown tight on me and were no longer comfortable to wear.

I found this fact rather depressing and I found myself thinking that it would be a good idea to cut out carbs for a few meals and/or start excersizing so as to lose a little weight. 

But I did neither of those things, and instead I took  myself to the beach for a relaxing walk in the soft, white sand.  I walked and let all my thoughts fly out of my head and sent them way up into the sky. I found peace and comfort in drawing my attention to my barefeet in the sand and the feeling of my calves and thigh muscles being used with each step I took.  At the end of the walk, I dove into the ocean and floated around in joyfullness.

The next morning all I could think of was how great my walk had been the day before and when I could do it again. 

That evening, at sunset, I walked along the beach again.  I felt the same sense of freedom, peace and delight in the moment.

Since then, I've been walking everyday and loving it. 

But part of me is sneaky and right away began plotting how often I would walk and began calculating how many calories that would burn off...which then made me feel guilty about doing it because I refuse to loose weight through EXCESSIVE excersize because I don't want to  mask the results of my eating habits.

If I start losing weight through excessive and repetative excersize, I will have no need to challenge my unhealthy emotional eating habits.

So I was feeling pretty torn about continueing my walks and whether or not it was a good thing for me.  I was worried that I was falling back into a familiar pattern of depending on excersize to justify my eating habits.

But I've happily come to the grand old conclusion that anything I love could not be 'bad' for me and I certainly love my walks!

And I realize that my old habit of engaging in exersize that I found dreadfully boring specifically to burn calories, is very different from doing physical activities simply because I enjoy it.

That is surely feeding my soul!!!!!!!!

POST 41

Wow, its been a month since I've written anything on my blog...I have felt so busy with school and 'stuff' that I just stopped taking the time to write.

But here I am again...

I have been feeling a little afraid again, about my choice to eat what i want, when I want, when I am hungry.  I am still not excersizing to loose weight and I'm not restricting my food intake so I have been feeling a little helpless lately.

It seems with my busy schedule that the more tired I get, the more food I consume.

I am still so confused and challenged by the idea of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.

I've been thinking that its really hard for me to stop eating a plate of food say, at a restaurant, which i have ordered and paid for, if there is still more food on the plate.

And at home, if I've opened a package of anything, I feel compelled to go into automatic pilot while eating, and I don't stop till its ALL GONE!!! Even if I'm stuffed to the gills to do that.

So todays blog is just admitting that I do really have a struggle with food intake and that relationship with over eating results in me gaining weight.

And I am choosing to not mask the results of my relationship to food by forcing my weight down through all sorts of unhealthy manners like overexcersizing  and dieting.

Sigh...wish me luck....

So today is dedicated to honouring once again, exactly where I'm at with peace and acceptance and self love!!!

POST 40

The other day I had the privilege of dancing as a beginner in a belly dancing concert.  I felt sexy and tuned into the Goddess energy as I shook and swayed my round, soft belly.

I watched a solo dancer who came on after me.

She was a 'bigger' girl with a luscious, soft, overflowing tummy and hips...and she was POWERFULLY SEXY!

When she danced, the entire auditorium sat mesmerized.

And it made me wonder, does this sexy woman feel sexy out in the 'real world'? Does she feel sexy when she's out shopping? When she's out on  a night on the town with friends?

Does the love and appreciation for her body permeate outside of her dancing?

In belly dancing, our rounded bodies are acceptable and preferred to that of a flat, muscular tummy.  The roundness shapes the moves and the style of dance we do. 

But obviously in western society, this is not wildly accepted as the norm.  This girl would probably have to shop in plus size shops and would be challenged to find role models similar to her shape in our fashion magazines. 

I couldn't help but ponder all this, as I watched her dance.  She was so amazing and confident.

I couldn't help but hope that she is one of those women, who actually do have an inner confidence that permeates her entire life.  I would love to believe that she is someone who chooses to love herself exactly as she is, inspiring the rest of us.

So today's blog is for her...

Thank you for reminding me that sexy belays shape, but lives in confidence!

Hip hip hooray, you are beautiful today!!

POST 39

Today I have been thinking about a way to put my journey into food freedom into simpler terms...

I realize that in the past, whilst over-exersizing and dieting to maintain a certain weight, I was focused on being loved by others.

Now that I am no longer adopting those principles, but am enjoying food freedom, I am motivated by Self Love.

Wow.  Thats pretty powerful stuff.

Today I am in awe of the power of Love for My Self...its the best kind!

Woop woop hooray, I'm in love with myself today!!!

POST 38

Well its been over a week since I've written in this blog. 

I have been barrelled over with work and school committments.  But although I have wanted to commit to writing on this blog daily, there have been really repetative days, where I feel nothing much has changed as far as my food freedom journey is concerned.

I am still eating what I want when I want. I am still refusing to look at food as something that I have to treat as a threat.  I am still refusing to excersize to lose fat.

But I am still eating when I am already full.  I am eating when I'm bored and scared and tired.  I am eating even when I'm already full because it just tastes so good and I feel it would be a shame to stop.

I went way outside my comfort zone the other night.  I drove to an area of Sydney that I've never been before to attend an info night for a school and program I am considering attending in the new year.

During the discussion lead by the schools founder, I found myself reacting with a migraine.  I made it through the session, thanked the team leader, and raced to my car to try and make it home to bed before the headache could get any worse.

On the drive home, all I could think about was how awul I felt, and how much I wanted to eat something.  I felt that food would be a distraction from my pain.
Food would be a distraction from my pain!!! Doesn't it say it all, right there?

As I drove on, the pain in my head moved into my tummy and I felt as though I were going to vomit.  Yet I still craved the comfort of putting some food in my mouth, as a way of feeling better.  Finally, I could fight my urge no longer, and I ate some nuts I had in my bag.  No sooner did I eat the nuts, then I had to pull over and vomit.

What I learned from this experience is that I crave food as a way to distract myself from my pain.  Its almost as though I want to eat despite myself and how I feel.  I certainly know that the nuts I ate on the way home made me physically sick because the state I was in, yet my emotions and thoughts were all about eating them to feel better.

There exists a major disconnect in side me and I am prepared to work through it.

Todays blog is dedicated to working through my pain, and coming out the other side all the better for it!!!

Hip hip hooray, I'm courageous today!!!

POST 37

Today I feel incredibly tired from being really busy with work and school and social commitments.

I also feel really thankful that I'm not adding to my stress levels by feeling that I must fit in some major exercising as well...

In the past years, I would make sure that I was exercising for at least an hour daily or a few times a week, to burn calories and stay slim.  I would usually drag my tired butt off to the gym to sweat all over a cardio machine.  Sure I felt great once I was doing it, but I was bored, bored, bored.

I was making myself go because I believed that only burning off major calories would allow me to stay slim and trim.

So I would 'workout' for a few months until I got so burnt out from all the energy I was investing in the exercising, I would stop, cold turkey and take a break from it all.  I would then make up for lost time by sitting on the couch, watching DVD's and eating chips...one of my favourite past times without a doubt.

What I was finding was that I was in a real roller coaster ride...training and exercising really diligently than getting so exhausted, I needed a break. And subsequently, my weight would follow suit...staying down while exercising but ballooning out when I took a break.

Nowadays, since starting this blog, I am not forcing myself to exercise unless it is something that I find fun, or I need to do for my health.  I am taking weekly belly dancing lessons which I love and look forward to and they have the added bonus of stretching out tight muscles, getting my heart rate up and creating greater flexibility and strength in my body.  I also feel sexy doing it which is an awesome plus!

For health, I walk in nature to clear my head, get regular weekly massages and follow a stretching plan which I've put together to address some postural weaknesses and tight muscles I have. I find the stretching boring and sometimes hard work, but I need to do it for health reasons so I do.

Apart from that, my time is my own.

So today, I feel especially grateful for having the free time and self appreciation that a focus on food freedom has brought me, as opposed to feeling afraid that if I don't exercise today, all hell will break loose....

And in my experience, it doesn't...

I have yet to increase in size, but my life is certainly increasing in happiness and joy!

woop woop!
hip hip hooray, today's a great day!

POST 36

I recall a few years ago when a friend of mine had me thinking about the power of healthy eating, not just on our bodies, but on our emotions as well.

His name was Garrett. We were hanging out as his girlfriend Melanie, is a good friend of mine. 

Garrett was really cool and I liked him straight away because he was funny and genuine and was quite extroverted.  We enjoyed some deep and meaningful conversations about life in general.

Garrett had Turrets Syndrome and one of the ways that he discovered he was able to keep it under control, was by eating raw, healthy foods.

When he ate healthy, his symptons were minimized and he also found that his emotions were much more postitive and balanced.  He told me that when he would eat any junkfood, his Turrets would rear up and his emotions would drop into a funk as well.

I remember being really effected by this idea, as I had never really thought that the crappy, processed food I ate at times, could effect my emotional state.

After that, I started experimenting. The results for me were that when I consume alot of chocolate and or processed candy or sweets, I do experience a drop in my positive emotional state.  After eating alot of sugar, I tend to feel a bit down and depressed. I also feel that way after drinking soda pop/soft drink. 
When I eat chips and savoury junkfood, I don't get the same drop in my emotions as I do with sugar.  This never ceases to interest me.  I even find that if I eat sugar just before bed, I have nightmares.

I've asked other people if they react the same, but it seems everyone is a little different although quite a few people do seem to get a drop in the emotions from excess sugar.

Just food for thought....

POST 35

I feel like I'm running out of things to talk about within my food freedom journey.
I feel as though it has, at the moment, become really repetitious for me. 
This is where i'm at:
I am still surprised to find that my weight isn't really fluctuating, but nor am I getting any slimmer by eating what I want, when I want and not excersizing.
I am still choosing to focus on my physical health versus my physical size.
I still can't fit into any of my jeans.
I still have cellulite.
I feel blessed to having somewhat silence the voice in my head that was telling me I "had to go to the gym or take a long run"  everyday.
I feel blessed to have so much more time to spend laying in the sun, or reading a book, or stretching on the beach .
I feel like I'm adjusting to this journey, with less fear than in the first few weeks, and thats a relief!
Looking forward to creating even healthier habits on this journey while enjoying food freedom!

POST 34

Today on my journey of food freedom, away from a fear of food and what it can do to my body, I don't really have anything specific to write.

Things seem to be pretty steady for me right now.  I'm having moments where I stop eating when I am full, and I continue to eat what I want, when I want it without guilt.

I also still manage to keep eating when I am full too. Like the other night, my friend Deedra was visiting from Canada, so all day I didn't really think about food much beacause I was having so much fun with her.  But then we settled in to watch a movie and munch on some junk food. 

Deedra fell asleep with a case of jetlag, and I ate my own bowl of chips and then hers too. I was certainly not hungry when I ate her bowl, but I felt at the time, "that I couldnt stop".  Why was this the case?

I ate so much beyond feeling full, that I then felt sick!

What emotions was I trying to avoid, I wonder?

I think I was feeling anxious about having a friend in my house, that I hadn't seen in years.  Anxious that she wouldn't find my house, or me, up to scratch.

And although I know instinctively that my friend Deedra is not like that at all, I couldn't help but be afraid of criticism anyway.

I felt unsettled for that first day, wanting to have 'everything  perfect'...

Funny how my habits of overeating often have nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with my emotions...

So todays blog is dedicated to releasing my need to please and/or be perfect!!!!
And to trust that I'm ok just as I am.
It is safe to be me!
Hip Hip Hooray, its safe to be ME today!!!!!!

POST 33

I had an a-huh moment, the other day...

Lately I've been wearing short tops that show off my belly.  Not so interesting in itself until it dawned on me that even though I'm currently wearing size 12 clothing, I feel really good in my body and feel proud to show off my size.  Yet, just a few months ago, when I was a size 10 with a much smaller body and a trimmed tummy, I didn't feel 'good enough' to show it off...

I was still thinking in terms of how I 'should look' and comparing myself to models in the mags and to other women and girls I would see.

Now I'm not doing that, I'm just loving Me!!!

That really makes me think that its truly not my size that counts, but my attitude that really makes a difference!!!!!

a-huhhhhh.....

POST 32

Today I went to see a sports masseuse.

He was shocked at how tight all my muscles were and I was shocked at how much it hurt to have him work on me.

It really hit home for me, the impact  all the years and hours of running and lifting weights and over excersizing, have had on my body.

I realize now the importance of taking this time out to really get to know where my body is at and what it needs to be healthy.

Certainly a balance lifestyle is part of the key to health. But its finding that balance is what I struggle with. 
In the past, my focus on excersizing was to lose weight, and firm up.

To do that, I would run for hours on hard pavement and uneven ground. I would run on hot summer afternoons and freezing cold winter mornings in the snow.  I would work out with weights, for hours a day.  I could, at one stage, squat more than alot of the guys at my local gym. 

I was really proud of that, and proud that I was making my muscles bigger, and tighter. And proud that my body was slim and trim.

I rarely stretched nor did I balance out those excersizes with yoga or any relax classes. 

Now years later, I'm noticing things about my body that are a possible result of that excersize regimen:

I have a shortened left leg; I have an anterior tilt which means in plain terms, my spine tilts forward; I have tight calves, thighs and glutes and I experience back pain every so often. When I try to stretch or do yoga, I struggle to hold a posture because my muscles are so tight!

And to think that my physical issues today are related to a motivation to lose weight and be thin.

Nowadays, my focus is on loving myself and giving myself what I need to be healthy and happy.
Obviously, excersize is a part of that healthy lifestyle, but I am now choosing participation in experiences that I enjoy and feel good to my body.

I now choose excersize, not based on how many calories they burn, but on how fun they are to do!

So today's blog is dedicated to finding out how to enjoy our bodies and to be motivated by love for them, not what we want to change about them! 

I'm sure with that in mind, I'm off to a good start in getting my body into a healthy place.

POST 31

I've been thinking about the psychology behind my motivation for writing this blog.

I am aknowledging that I am no longer running away from "the fat man"....the man inside my head that warns me to stay two steps ahead of him because if he catches me, he'll turn me into a ball of fat.

For years, I literally ran kilometres a day, trying to outrun the 'man'.

But it became so gosh darn tiring, running from this man....running from a part of myself in fact.

And it didn't work trying to stay one step ahead, because eventually I grew weary and needed to take a rest.

And then I stopped running, just for a moment.

But when I stopped running, I got so consumed with fear about the fat man catching up to me, and what would happen to my life, if he did? I became horrified with the thought of becoming unlovable and unacceptable...and unworthy of love. And I believed that going up a size in my clothes was an unloveable thing for me to do.

Who will love me if I'm fat, I wonder? And how will I love myself, if no one loves me?

And I know the emotion of feeling unlovable, and I know how bad it is. How awful you feel when there is something about you that you feel is bad or stupid or just plain wrong...

You feel helpless and vulnerable, and sad, and alone.

So of course, it makes sense that I run to avoid feeling these feelings again. And I'm wise to want to avoid that pain.

But it's wrong to believe that running a million miles from my fears of being unlovable will make them go away.

And its courageous to turn instead, and face my fears. It's a move based on faith and self love, that I decide to stop running and choose to stand my ground and address my fear.

And when I do face my fears, they tend to after time, fade a little. And in the place where they once lived, a stronger thought rings true...

That I am no longer a little girl who needs to be scared of something as trivial as a buddha belly, or a cottage cheese thigh...

I am all that, and much much more!

I embrace fat.
I embrace imperfections.
I embrace my health.
I embrace my lazy days and freedom to spend it anywhere other than the gym.
I embrace this wise woman inside me, who reminds me that I'm an adult now and I can CHOOSE to love all of me.  I can choose to believe and act on the belief, that all of me is loveable and acceptable.

POST 30

Today I've been thinking about how I, and many other people, eat for taste not hunger.

It makes sense to me, that I have such a hard time only eating enough food to feel full, when the food I'm eating tastes so darn good!

Why eat a bowl of salt and vinegar chips, when I can eat an entire bag?

Mouth ulcers...thats why...my bodies way of subtly informing me that I've eaten enough for one day.

Funny how my body tells me when I've had enough, whether it be hives from eating handfulls of almonds even though their something I'm allergic to. Or jelly-belly sickness in Mexico from eating a jello I bought off a boy on an 18 hour busride...some things don't agree with me...and my body knows!

So why is it so darn tough to listen to this body of mine, when she tells me to stop eating when I am full? Or to not eat something in the first place when I know it makes me feel crappy...icecream, I'm talking to you here...

I think part of the problem is that food tastes so darn yummy!  The other day, I felt full, but I kept eating a yummy breaky I threw together.  I asked myself why I still wanted to eat, and I answered,"because it tastes so good!"

Wrong answer!  If i'm eating when I'm full because something tastes good, I am not honouring my body.  But when food tastes this good, its hard to put my body first!  I want to put my taste buds first! I want yumminess and sweetness, and saltiness and- can't stop I'm eating fabulousness...Why eat half a bag of chips when I can eat the whole darn bag?

Mouth ulcers...that's why...my bodies way of telling me I've had enough for one day.

So todays post is in recognition that sometimes a lesson learned may be a long time coming...and old habits die hard, especially while there are still chocolates and chips on a shelf at a grocery store.

Here's to learning to how to eat for hunger, not taste.  Wish me luck! So far I need it!

POST 29

The other day, I wrote in an entry, how I felt time really assists one in adjusting to changes in ones life.

When I first decided to stop excersizing specifically to lose weight and chose to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted eat, as opposed to being on an eating 'plan' to stay slim and trim....I was terrified that I was going to end up obese.  I was truly worried for my health and well being at that time.

In the beginning of this journey about a month ago, I imagined that there was no way in hell I wasn't going to get bigger and bigger in size the longer I chose to eat what I want, when I wanted it.

But today it donned on me, that even though I've thrown all eating plans out the window and am not excersizing (to lose weight) apart from some dance classes, a little walking and some relaxation yoga...I haven't become huge.

Sure, I've got a budda belly and some thigh fat...but gosh, I feel good.  I feel fit and healthy and am able to do anything physical I feel like.  Now that is living!!!!

And it seems that time, as it passes, helps me adjust to this new way of thinking.  Time is helping me relax and encourages me not to worry about tomorrow, but focus on enjoying today.

Thinking about time got me thinking about a little story...

Growing up in my house, we always had a scale in the bathroom.  Mum was pretty consistant with using it. I never had a relationship with it until I hit highschool, or when I hit puberty at about 12.

That was about the time I started worrying that maybe I wasn't the 'right size'.  I started wondering if I looked the way I was supposed to.  Did I look normal? Was I ok? All of these questions started running through my head.

I started weighing myself, thinking that was a way I could gage if my size was acceptable.  It was around that time that interestingly enough, I started collecting fashion magazines like Vogue and my favourite, Elle.

As the years passed, I continued to use my mums scale. 

I distinctly remember always feeling bad about myself after I got off it. I never felt small enough to accept myself as beautiful...

I started to dread the idea of any guy picking me up while horsing around...afraid he'd find out how huge and heavy I was...I was terrified that he'd discover my secret and wouldn't like me anymore...and I was convinced that if a guy found out how heavy I was, he would tell the entire school and I would be so ashamed that I was so 'unfeminine'.

Years went by, and I was now into my 20s.  It was around this time that I remember weighing myself and the number was really low...surprisingly low...but instead of feeling good about weighing so little, I convinced myself that the scale was out and the number was wrong.

It was at that moment, that I began observing my thoughts and thinking how crazy was I to let these numbers on a metal contraption determine how I was going to feel about myself. 

I was so used to feeling bad about myself, even a positive number on the scale didn't lift my mood.  I still chose to feel bad.  I still chose to feel unacceptable to myself.

I decided then and there to quit the scales and to no longer weigh myself. 

It's been about 13 years now and I have no idea how much I weigh because I have never again looked at my weight on a scale.  If I have been weighed at the doctors, I ask that they don't tell me the amount, and I look away as I'm weighed.

This small step towards freedom has taken TIME...in the early years of my withdrawal, I was so often tempted to take a quick peek...I would tell myself, just have a quick look to see if you're ok.  "You're looking really slim and you hardly have any cellulite so weigh yourself, and you'll get to feel proud of how slim you are." 

But I never fell for it...and over time, the need turned into desire,and finally the desire too, slipped away.

Now when women talk about how much they weigh with sadness, I can't relate to that self judgement because I really have no idea.  And I feel lucky to be away from that feeling because I know it doesn't feel nice.

And time helped me sort that one out...so today's entry is dedicated to all of us who want to find new ways of loving ourselves and enjoying the freedom it brings...

And to time, for giving us the helping hand we sometimes need.

Hip hip hooray, it gets easier each day!

POST 28

Well, today finds me once again, enjoying eating what I want, when I want it, but feeling challenged in the area of only eating enough to feel full.

I am tired from school, work and social committments, and find that I head, not to the bed for a nap, but to the pantry for a pick-me-up snack.

And to top it all off, most of my old bottoms like skirts, shorts and pants are not fitting. 
In fact, just the other day, when racing off to doubles tennis with brad and our friends, I couldnt fit anything but for a pair of brad's boardies. Now that was depressing!!!!! And they were a perfect fit, not loose at all...in the PAST none of brads shorts would fit me so that's a double yowie owie...

Needless to say, that really got me down...I started wondering if the beautiful and vivacious creature that I was seeing in the mirror, was just a figment of my imagination? I mean, sure when I look in the mirror I see the cellulite and the fat rolls, but more importantly, I see how sexy and curvy I look.  I feel like a real woman!!

But being the same size as my man, that really got to me! I thought about it for about 48 hours, wondering if my body weight is out of control or something...

So how did I deal with those emotions you ask?  Did I quickly decide to jump on a diet or head to the gym?  Did I jump on the bandwagon of self-loathing and fear?

No I did not!

So how did I get through that, and still come out feeling beautiful and blessed and lovely?

I mentally brushed the thoughts away that made me feel bad about myself. 

I chose to deliberately focus on the positive body image ideas I have about myself like how lucky I am to be so healthy.

I focused on feeling appreciative that I haven't needed to go to the hospital for anything in 5 years and have not needed to see a doctor in over a year.  I'm on no medications and suffer from no ailments! I think that makes me one heck of a lucky girl!

And then I got to thinking that if a pair of my boyfriends shorts fit me and feel comfy on, as opposed to squeezing into something uncomfortable of my own, than why not wear them with joy?

Afterall, my body has taken care of me this long, so I need to return the favour and make her feel good too.

So once again readers, this journey towards food freedom and a positive relationship with my body is not a light an easy one...but it can be if I continue to make it so using my power of focus and positive thought.
Yip yip yippee, I'm not afraid to be meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

POST 27

As I have said before, I am finding food freedom in my life, by eating what I want, when I want it, but only when I'm actually hungry. 

That last bit, about eating only when I'm hungry, that's the tough one for me.

I started the habit of turning to food for comfort at such a young age, that I now have years of experience of turning to food and eating for many other reasons than feeling hungry.

I have a difficult time even recognizing when I am full.  I get confused and find myself so focused on how good it tastes that I want to keep eating, regardless of if I am even still hungry.

Lately, I find that I seem to be adjusting to this routine.  I am starting to feel a certain peace come over me.  The fearful thoughts and worries about my weight and what food can do to it (if I don't excersize like mad, or stick to a strict eating plan) are slowly dissipating with time...

I know from experience that time can go a long way in  healing a broken heart, but I never really thought about its ability to create change in ones life.  I'm finding that if I do something long enough and over and over, time seems to help me along.

I feel that I am adjusting to my beliefs in food freedom, and am beginning to trust this process.

I no longer feel that I am dangling over a cliff, with the possibility of falling to my death, screaming.

I am starting to feel safe and content with my relationship with food.

Obviously, I am still struggling at times to only eat when I am hungry and I still get tempted to substitute the food I feel like, for something that I know will be less calories...

But I'm getting there,and the road is feeling alot less bumpy.

So today, I want to convey that this journey, at this time, is getting easier.

Woop woop, and hip hip hooray, this journey is easy today!!!!

POST 26

As I mentioned in my last post, I was at a conference this past weekend.

Not knowing anyone, and being in a new situation, I was out of my comfort zone and on top of that, I ran out of money, so I couldn't eat anything for an entire day.  That sucked. 

But I got through it and I realized how much of a crutch food is for me....

I also became really aware at the conference, how lucky I am to be housed in a healthy body.

It was physically tough sticking out 2 full days of sitting on a hard, plastic chair listening to speakers. 

I recall looking at those around me, and seeing that alot of people were really struggling to sit that way for so long.

I specifically caught sight of a woman near me.  She was really uncomfortable and kept sighing and shifting her weight about.  She looked like she was feeling less than fabulous.

I really took that in.  I thought how blessed I am to have such a healthy body and how it really is my job to keep it as flexible and mobile as possible....

I realize how I want to be able to tackle the challenges that life brings me, with joy and comfort, not pain.

And experiencing food freedom and sustaining a healthy approach to food through eating what I want when I want it, when I am hungy, is a key to that physical health and wellbeing.

So today's blog is dedicated to that beautiful woman at the conference, who strugged to get comfortable in her own skin, the way I struggle to get comfortable with food.

May our journey's both follow a road of peace and joy...

POST 25

This weekend, I attended a conference in the city.

I drove the 2 hour drive alone, knowing that I would most likely not know another soul at this 2 day event.  And I was right. Not only did I not know anyone, but it was alot of information that was way above my head. 

I felt really outside of my comfort zone pretty much the whole time.  All of my senses were really active and I didn't have much time to think about food on the first day of the conference.

On the second day, if you can believe it, my debit card wasnt working so I was unable to buy any food all day.  Into the afternoon, I was pretty hungry, but again, because there was so much going on around me, I didnt notice too much.

It really made me realize that when I try new things, and step outside my comfort zone, food isn't such a priority to me.  In my everyday life, food is my favorite way to treat myself and make myself feel good..."Oh it's friday night so I'm gong to buy a big bag of chips to celebrate"...."I've got to pay some bills at the mall so I'm going to make it fun by treating myself to a chai latte." and on and on.

I also found, how well I can function on very little food.  That is a real eye opener for me as I have such a hard time with not eating when I am full.  I actually find it difficult to connect with the feeling of my tummy being full...I tend to keep eating till I feel sick and then use the sickness as a gage for being full.

But this weekend, my tummy was hungry, but I still got through the day.  That makes me feel empowered, to know that I can be outside my comfort zone, without access to food, and still be ok.

If you read my past blogs, you will know how much comfort and safety I derive from a full belly so this is a big realization for me.

Hip hip hooray, I'm learning today!