POST 29

The other day, I wrote in an entry, how I felt time really assists one in adjusting to changes in ones life.

When I first decided to stop excersizing specifically to lose weight and chose to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted eat, as opposed to being on an eating 'plan' to stay slim and trim....I was terrified that I was going to end up obese.  I was truly worried for my health and well being at that time.

In the beginning of this journey about a month ago, I imagined that there was no way in hell I wasn't going to get bigger and bigger in size the longer I chose to eat what I want, when I wanted it.

But today it donned on me, that even though I've thrown all eating plans out the window and am not excersizing (to lose weight) apart from some dance classes, a little walking and some relaxation yoga...I haven't become huge.

Sure, I've got a budda belly and some thigh fat...but gosh, I feel good.  I feel fit and healthy and am able to do anything physical I feel like.  Now that is living!!!!

And it seems that time, as it passes, helps me adjust to this new way of thinking.  Time is helping me relax and encourages me not to worry about tomorrow, but focus on enjoying today.

Thinking about time got me thinking about a little story...

Growing up in my house, we always had a scale in the bathroom.  Mum was pretty consistant with using it. I never had a relationship with it until I hit highschool, or when I hit puberty at about 12.

That was about the time I started worrying that maybe I wasn't the 'right size'.  I started wondering if I looked the way I was supposed to.  Did I look normal? Was I ok? All of these questions started running through my head.

I started weighing myself, thinking that was a way I could gage if my size was acceptable.  It was around that time that interestingly enough, I started collecting fashion magazines like Vogue and my favourite, Elle.

As the years passed, I continued to use my mums scale. 

I distinctly remember always feeling bad about myself after I got off it. I never felt small enough to accept myself as beautiful...

I started to dread the idea of any guy picking me up while horsing around...afraid he'd find out how huge and heavy I was...I was terrified that he'd discover my secret and wouldn't like me anymore...and I was convinced that if a guy found out how heavy I was, he would tell the entire school and I would be so ashamed that I was so 'unfeminine'.

Years went by, and I was now into my 20s.  It was around this time that I remember weighing myself and the number was really low...surprisingly low...but instead of feeling good about weighing so little, I convinced myself that the scale was out and the number was wrong.

It was at that moment, that I began observing my thoughts and thinking how crazy was I to let these numbers on a metal contraption determine how I was going to feel about myself. 

I was so used to feeling bad about myself, even a positive number on the scale didn't lift my mood.  I still chose to feel bad.  I still chose to feel unacceptable to myself.

I decided then and there to quit the scales and to no longer weigh myself. 

It's been about 13 years now and I have no idea how much I weigh because I have never again looked at my weight on a scale.  If I have been weighed at the doctors, I ask that they don't tell me the amount, and I look away as I'm weighed.

This small step towards freedom has taken TIME...in the early years of my withdrawal, I was so often tempted to take a quick peek...I would tell myself, just have a quick look to see if you're ok.  "You're looking really slim and you hardly have any cellulite so weigh yourself, and you'll get to feel proud of how slim you are." 

But I never fell for it...and over time, the need turned into desire,and finally the desire too, slipped away.

Now when women talk about how much they weigh with sadness, I can't relate to that self judgement because I really have no idea.  And I feel lucky to be away from that feeling because I know it doesn't feel nice.

And time helped me sort that one out...so today's entry is dedicated to all of us who want to find new ways of loving ourselves and enjoying the freedom it brings...

And to time, for giving us the helping hand we sometimes need.

Hip hip hooray, it gets easier each day!