POST 31

I've been thinking about the psychology behind my motivation for writing this blog.

I am aknowledging that I am no longer running away from "the fat man"....the man inside my head that warns me to stay two steps ahead of him because if he catches me, he'll turn me into a ball of fat.

For years, I literally ran kilometres a day, trying to outrun the 'man'.

But it became so gosh darn tiring, running from this man....running from a part of myself in fact.

And it didn't work trying to stay one step ahead, because eventually I grew weary and needed to take a rest.

And then I stopped running, just for a moment.

But when I stopped running, I got so consumed with fear about the fat man catching up to me, and what would happen to my life, if he did? I became horrified with the thought of becoming unlovable and unacceptable...and unworthy of love. And I believed that going up a size in my clothes was an unloveable thing for me to do.

Who will love me if I'm fat, I wonder? And how will I love myself, if no one loves me?

And I know the emotion of feeling unlovable, and I know how bad it is. How awful you feel when there is something about you that you feel is bad or stupid or just plain wrong...

You feel helpless and vulnerable, and sad, and alone.

So of course, it makes sense that I run to avoid feeling these feelings again. And I'm wise to want to avoid that pain.

But it's wrong to believe that running a million miles from my fears of being unlovable will make them go away.

And its courageous to turn instead, and face my fears. It's a move based on faith and self love, that I decide to stop running and choose to stand my ground and address my fear.

And when I do face my fears, they tend to after time, fade a little. And in the place where they once lived, a stronger thought rings true...

That I am no longer a little girl who needs to be scared of something as trivial as a buddha belly, or a cottage cheese thigh...

I am all that, and much much more!

I embrace fat.
I embrace imperfections.
I embrace my health.
I embrace my lazy days and freedom to spend it anywhere other than the gym.
I embrace this wise woman inside me, who reminds me that I'm an adult now and I can CHOOSE to love all of me.  I can choose to believe and act on the belief, that all of me is loveable and acceptable.